Home and Away: China and the Cult of Family
Chinese International Students
Infamous, or just plain famous, for their lavish lifestyles and flashy dress code, the position they inhabit in the collective consciousness is one associated with decadence and excess. At least the perception of them is. International Students occupy a unique space, existing in parallel with locals but rarely intersecting. Problems like language barriers and their penchant for only hanging out with each other lead to herd mentality where, as the out-group, outsider opinions get projected on them without rebuttal. Naturally there is recognition that not all International Students fall into that bracket, but due to the distance, the more intriguing or nuance aspects of their experiences are missed. It is only from within close proximity that one begins to see traits of modern Chinese culture.
Hailing from a Chinese family myself, I was somewhat familiar with the customs and morality inherent to the culture. But when I was exposed to the modern incarnation of the values that I had been taught as a child, it really impressed on me the extent to which China had evolved into the modern era. I think the best example to demonstrate this, is the value of “Family”. The more I talked to the International Students about this, the more I realised that the boisterous new year’s dinners were only the surface of a much more sinister possibility.
In western culture, the idea of family exists but as a broad idea. The parents are responsible for the child until they become a legal adult, where they leave the nest to begin a independent life. This is heavily contrasted by the Chinese idea of family; a more conservative interpretation where children have obligations not just to the parents but to extended relatives that last for life. The conservative nature further cements a hierarchy in the family, most often patriarchal and gerontocratic. This unique set of values leads to a feedback loop where conservative ideals are perpetuated through generahtions. Where grandparents pass on their old values to their children, who lack the authority to reject it. There are few ways to break the cycle, one of which appears to be fleeing the country to study abroad.
This completely changed how the international student experience was perceived for me. It always seemed like a luxury, but I had never considered it an escape. Whilst this isn’t necessarily the case for every international student, it was a troubling perspective nevertheless. Changing countries to escape family troubles seemed drastic but the social climate in China is still one still dominated by social standing. Domestic troubles are generally confined to the house. External help is seldom sought, leaving most situations perpetually raging.
What is especially disheartening to the situation of international students who study abroad to flee familial issues is that just leaving isn’t enough. After hearing about a particularly abhorrent situation where someone was treated as a bona-fide servant and caretaker of their siblings since the ripe old age of 13, based solely on her gender, I offered the standard advice one would give in a toxic relationship: “Just cut them off.” However all those I spoke to in regards to this issue gave a similar response. “You just can’t”.
The virtue of filial piety is one of the main tenants that prop up the Confuscian idea of family. Loyalty to your parents is a big part of being a good person, and thus rejecting your parents and family is a far graver sin in Chinese culture than in western culture. This sentiment extends far back in history, and is hard baked into the culture. From Antiquity to as recent as the Qing Dynasty, Chinese people wouldn’t cut their hair because their body was considered a gift from their parents, and to cut one’s hair was disrespecting that gift.
One has to look at this sort of culture and question whether this fanaticism towards the family unit is healthy for their society. While in western society, there are numerous stories about toxic parents being cut off, even when forced to clean the whole house herself everyday, scapegoated for a younger brother’s every mistake and be treated on the daily as a second class person, that person still can’t walk away from that toxic family. With overbearing and spiteful grandparents that rule the household, the only way to escape without sacrificing their future was to flee abroad, but even that wasn’t enough.
Family also exercise their control to bind their children to them by dictating what degree they do. In the aforementioned example, the person was able to study abroad, but the family decided to make her study accounting for the sole reason that their family business lacked accounting knowledge and she would help bolster the family business. Ironic, considering the reason for her studying was to escape the family. Another student I talked to mentioned their passion for drawing and art, but was strong armed by their father into finance because they were “an investment” and were expected to take on the family business. This is one of the most damaging parts as it acts as a financial ball and chain with which to bind the students in this scenario. Many have expressed the sentiment of being indebted to their parents, and having to repay their education later, as their parents spend large amounts of money to keep them here. Even if those parents are extremely toxic. As locals, we see exorbitant costs of studying abroad and tend think of it as consequence free to them, but in truth, its yet another shackle to the family unit. Children in Chinese families are traditionally afforded little autonomy and are viewed as an investment as they are expected to take care of the parent when they retire.
This kind of viewpoint is especially intriguing when you contrast it to the western mentality. For example, when a couple get married, the couple pay for the wedding but the families of the bride and groom can offer to chip in or foot the bill. Meanwhile in Chinese culture, the families not only pay for the wedding, but also buy an apartment for the couple and sometimes a car as well. While it is a kind gesture, it is sometimes viewed as a bit of a trap as it forces many responsibilities on the couple like a utilities bill and maintenance on the car. An international friend explained it as a method of forcing the couple to enter the workforce swiftly and make money. That being said, it is important to note that the act itself isn’t supposed to be malicious in any way but rather to help the couple get on its feet faster whereas in the western tradition they would have to slowly make their way to their own apartment and car.
One could also look at the tradition as excessively lavish and an egregious display of wealth. While not perceived so in Chinese culture, from an outside perspective it would seem unreasonable to go to such lengths.
It is important to note that these kinds of scenarios are not the norm, and that the Chinese family structure is not inherently bad. The Chinese system of family, when all goes well, creates an immensely tight knit family and it’s easy to see why such a culture has developed. If it goes well, it goes great. The supportive parents are re-payed later down the line for their efforts and the family is close and strong. The downside is that if one node corrupts, it drags everyone around them down. With the kinds of embedded power in the system, if things go bad they can very easily intensify to horrible.
A strong family culture seems to be one of the fundamentals of developing as a nation. From the idea of the Nuclear Family to the One-Child Policy, its apparent that governments try to encourage a standardised family unit that can prop up a nation — or at least the appearance of such. Given a population of nearly 1.4 billion, domestic dispute are guaranteed to arise. However, because of the importance given to public reputation and face, these disputes are rarely taken to the next level. As the idiom goes: “marry a dog, follow the dog, marry a rooster, follow the rooster”. What you end up with is what you’re stuck with. This trend of poorly thought out marriages seemingly plague the nation and it arises from a number of factors. One of them, however, is our old friend, Societal pressure.
As China develops, so too does its culture. The emergence of a new style of family, the DINK further show the slow cultural change. DINK, referring to Double Income No Kids. These kinds of families reject children and recognise that its a significant decision to undertake, not to be taken lightly. However, they face large amounts of societal pressure, with the general sentiment that “Having a child is the only way to make your life complete”. Grandparents also want an heir, and often pressure their children to get married early and had children early. Combine these and you have a society where people who are not ready for marriage are incentivized to enter into marriage. People who are not ready for children are chastised into having children. This has lead to the phenom of the “Invisible Child”.
The “Invisible Child” experience is one I heard a significant amount of times when talking to the International Students. In high income or DINK families the parents do not, or are simply unwilling, to raise the child themselves. They pass on that responsibility to either the child’s grandparents to raise exclusively and utilise employees to conduct parental obligations. I heard many a story about secretaries dropping off meals for the children at home and holidays spent at the parent’s company being entertained by employees but not the parent. This type of upbringing can easily estrange a child from their parents, and when you consider the amount of influence that the estranged parent can have in their life, it seems almost unfair.
It will be interesting to see how familial culture in China develops further. There is a great deal of societal and cultural factors at war. Old beliefs are slowly being rejected as unsuited for the majority of people in modern China and the social landscape seems to be warming up to the new style of family and living. But the damage appears to be done. The prevalence of unhappy marriages has lead to a large mistress industry,to the point where the job of Mistress-Dispeller is a legitimate living. The crude divorce rate has increased from 1.75 per 1000 people in 2006 to 3.2 in 2018 — one of the highest in the world.
China has reached the point where its old traditions have gone from nuisance to actively detrimental. As more millennials reject those beliefs, it will be interesting to see how the idea of family develops in the future. It seems to be slowly evolving into something similar to the western style but it’s also possible that a whole new unique family unit can emerge. But hopefully whatever change it brings, it bridges the gap of old and new cultures and patches us this broken system that can create situations where children have no choice but to flee.
