Top Things we learnt from reading ‘I wish I knew this earlier: Lessons on Love’ by Toni Tone
Hello girlies. Now that the month of love has passed (and made way for the vital Women’s History month), we want to do a quick debrief. For February’s non-fiction, self-development pick, we read Toni Tone’s debut, I wish I knew this earlier to learn from an online big sister about how to thrive in romantic relationships. You can hear all of our thoughts on the pod here.
Ms Tone split the book into three parts: the Dating stage, the Loving stage and the Healing stage. Each sub-chapter starts with a one liner summarising the learning, followed by a short explanation of it, leading into the rest of the chapter. Though it wasn’t our favourite read, we did learn loads! This book prompts deep thought and if you decide to take its advice seriously, we know that you’ll be on the path to making romance related decisions that serve you and your partner(s).
Let’s get into it.
1. Struggle is not a rite of passage we must experience before happiness
Can we all divest from struggle love please! Life is a crazy ride and we all expect some twists and turns. That does not mean that we need to entertain partners who will disrespect us to prove that we can handle it. My spirit literally burns every time that I hear about a man who said “she stuck through thick and thin” at the altar. Do not let people take advantage of you to earn love. Love should not be earned. With the right person, it is freely given and supporting your partner in life’s trials and tribulations is not the same as struggle love.
2. Feelings are individual
Don’t assume that your partner’s feelings align with your own. Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you want something more, tell them and find out what they want. Just because you spend three hours a day on the phone, does not mean that you know exactly what this man, woman or person is thinking or feeling. Check in and share openly. Don’t assume that you know what they are feeling or thinking. Otherwise, you risk dissatisfaction, for yourself and for your partner(s).
3. You are responsible for your own happiness
Connections with other people are life affirming but they will not save you from yourself. If you don’t like yourself, if you’re unsatisfied with your life, a relationship can’t change that. Do not burden your love with this task. Only you can make yourself happy and love with others is the cherry on top of that.
4. Sometimes you miss the routine
Every break up alters your routine. The person you called everyday, slept next to and made plans with is now gone. I assume you’ve broken up for a reason. Maybe it’s no longer working, maybe there was a betrayal, maybe you’ve grown apart. Whatever the reason, they’re now gone. You may think that you yearn for them but you may actually yearn for the stability they represent. And it’s okay and perfectly normal to see the void they’ve left behind and feel sad.
5. Beware of exes who want to stroke their ego
Sometimes exes come back. Great. Why are they here? Use your discernment to decide of this is a valid second chance or a person who is using you to feel desirable. We are guilty of seeing returning exes as confirmations of our inherent desirability. And maybe that’s part of it. But they might only be back to use you. Don’t entertain that.
Finding love can be a bumpy ass ride. Try to enjoy it. And don’t forget that your longest and most important love story is the one you have with yourself. So love yourself fully and boldly so that you know what love looks like for you.
