My buddy rushes into my office one morning, and with no predicate whatsoever, blurts out, “I bought a Porsche!”
“Last night! It’s so awesome! It’s got this thing, and does this thing…” and proceeds to tell me All The Things about his new Porsche. And he’s so goddamn giddy over it, I find myself grinning along with him, shaking my head at his enthusiasm.
At one point he pauses and says “Oh man, I’m sorry, I’m not bragging or nothing.”
“Bragging?” I scoff. “Fuck that. Let’s go look at it.”
So we go out into the parking lot, and we ogle that car so hard that I swear to god it blushed. Half an hour we spent walking around it and admiring, caressing, and waxing poetic to its many engineering pulchritudes. And every morning I watched him park, and walk away backwards, staring at his lover, missing it more with each step.
The primary reason that this situation played out as it did is because Peter wasn’t bragging. He was sharing. He wasn’t trying to impress me with his new Porsche. He was excited about it, and he needed to share that excitement with somebody. After all, how much does it suck when you’re hopping about excited over a thing, and nobody to share it with? Well, it sucks.
And sex is no different. We men rather tend to brag about our prowess. We know our way around the bedroom, know how to please a lady, and for some, it’s true. Mostly not. Especially those dudes that brag about it. (Dudes Who Brag: you’re not impressing anybody. It’s just fucking annoying. So shut up.)
Thing is, if you do know your way around the bedroom, you would know that it’s difficult to get a lady off with physicality alone. Which is to say that it doesn’t matter if you know how to find the G-spot; if you’re not connecting with her, you’re just a human-shaped dildo. In other words, if you’re not sharing.
When I was younger, I wanted to be good in bed. I made a point of learning what women liked, and trying shit out. How’s this? Oh you like that? *mental note, proceeds* Eventually, as with any skill that you hone, I got good enough at it that I knew my way around the bedroom. I could perform at a peak level, and I loved recapping with my lady afterwards. Did you like that thing with the thing? Yes, no? It wasn’t bragging, nor self-inflation. I was learning about what she liked, and making sure that I did that thing with the thing in just the way she liked it. And her responses were very gratifying.
I’m not just talking about a squeak. Not just an orgasm, or ten of them. I’m talking about her being so completely overwhelmed by what I was doing that she forgot her fucking name. The world shrunk to a five-foot sphere, at which we were the center. There was no self-consciousness, no inhibitions, no propriety, no expectations. There was only pleasure. Given, taken, shared. Reciprocated, fed from.
And that’s the secret of Sexual Gestalt.
The more I learned, the more I pleased her. And as I became more confident, I could move with ease and predict outcomes. I could command her response to me. And the more she enjoyed herself, the more I enjoyed myself. To be clear, I got off on getting her off. And she got off on me getting off. When you take pleasure in your partner’s pleasure, and your partner takes pleasure in yours, the pleasure of sex as a whole becomes recursive; the more pleased they are, the more pleased you are, the more pleased they are, ad infinitum.
And that was when we reached the point, together, of the most ridiculous, mind-blowing, spine-shattering, endless, effortless, conscienceless, incredible, romantic, beautiful, transcendent, hot, hot fucking sex you can possibly imagine.
But it’s not about performance. It’s not about tricks. It’s not about 12 Ways to Spice Things Up. It’s not about Million-Dollar-Points. It’s not about breathing techniques or Kamasutra or almost anything you’re going to read anywhere in a book or throwaway article about How to Sex Better. It’s about the connection. It’s about the exchange. It’s about trust.
The important of trust cannot be overstated.
When your partner is feeling self-conscious, it’s because she’s unsure of how you feel about her. When your partner is inhibited, it’s because she is self-conscious. She’s concerned with what you think about her. She’s worried that if she turns the wrong way, you’ll see something you don’t like. If she engages in this activity or another, you’ll judge her. If something goes wrong, you’ll blame her. She’ll withdraw, and it’s not her fault. If your partner is thinking about herself, if she’s in her head and not her body, it’s your fault. Period. Blame her all you want, you’re wrong.
You must earn her trust. And I do mean earn it. How do you do that? Communication. Like my buddy and his Porsche. Here’s this thing, and I want to share it with you. Here’s me being sincere. Honest. Real. No armor. No half truths. Bald, selfless, unmitigated truth. About everything. (Yes, everything. Trust cannot be conditional. Conditions are limitations to trust, or non-trust.) Whatever she needs, whatever she wants, that is your job.
She needs to know that she is safe with you. She needs to know that you are as into her as she is into you. That you are enjoying yourself, and enjoying her. That her well-being and pleasure are your utmost priority. And when hers is yours…
You’ll cease to be self-conscious. And so will she. You’ll cease to worry…
You will be moving.
And so will she. Gestalt. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Originally published at johnfpendleton.com on April 22, 2017.