Why Fear Is Really Your Friend.
A personal account of the value of fear, and the dangers of overconfidence.
As a child, I wasn’t socialized properly and became overly fearful of social situations and many people. As an adolescent, I began training in martial arts to build confidence, eventually traveling the world as a risk manager. However, along the way, there have been several reminders of the value of healthy fear for humans, and why we should never forget our instincts.
The Threat
The man was deeply ill in body, mind, and soul. He had abused alcohol and drugs for years, abided in a bounded state of rationality, and could be triggered into an abusive, violent rage at a second’s notice. He had already attempted to strike my head twice, and although I didn’t realize it, I had a serious problem — I wasn’t afraid of him.
A Normal Work Day
When I returned to Dublin, I had first accepted a rewarding contract as a teacher, but as it was 2008 with all the unhealthy fear of the financial crisis, I had also decided to take another job in the “recession-proof” private security industry. Apart from working in some bars and clubs that were very instructive for any student of criminology, there was one retail location where I regularly worked the door, primarily to watch for handbag thieves.
The manager and staff liked me, and I really liked them: The company culture was relaxed and friendly, and the fact that they had recently had a selection of security guards who didn’t give a damn ensured that I was well received. I just did the job professionally, making an effort to provide a presence and be part of the team. Above all, having years ago been punched as a teenager by a nightclub bouncer in a shop where I was working, I was acutely aware of the need to step up immediately for the staff if there was a physical threat.
The Addict
I saw the middle-aged man walk in beside a younger woman and noted that they both seemed a little untidy, but that was no reason to give them any trouble: All walks of life were welcome to come in, browse, and do business.
The girl seemed a legitimate customer, and she left her companion sitting on the seats in the middle of the shop to look at the products. As I looked back at the man I saw the first indication of a problem: He was already falling asleep on the comfortable chair.
This was not acceptable. We had a lot of young women sitting down beside him to try on products and this would unsettle them and potentially be reported. I moved closer to examine the parts of the body that often give the most accurate information about a person — the hands.
Professional shoplifters will sometimes go so far as wearing suits in order to deceive security, and wear hats, glasses, and wigs to cover their faces. However, they almost never take the time to clean their hands, and the indications of their own tragic lives are often clear to see there.
The man’s hands indeed indicated a person who had not cared for himself in many years; the dirt was visible and the fingernails were long and ragged. I looked back at the girl and wondered if she was really an honest customer, or if she was in to “dip” a handbag, with the man as her security.
The Incubation of The Conflict
It’s never good to wait to react to these kinds of situations; it’s much better to be proactive. Paul, the store manager, was on the floor as usual during busy periods, and I walked over to him to advise him of what I could see, and ask what his preferred response would be. As expected, he acknowledged my concerns and said he would deal with the situation. He was right: Being approached by a member of security in a dark suit often triggers people with drug problems into an immediate overreaction.
At that moment, the man fell asleep on the shoulder of another customer who was seated beside him. She looked at him in surprise, and then her eyes looked around for assistance — Paul walked over immediately.
The Escalation of The Conflict
I moved to a position behind the man and saw Paul speaking quietly and using friendly body language, which seemed to bode well. However, then something bad happened — The guy stood up.
This is never a good sign, and it indicated that the broken record of conflict and pain that had been created when this addict was a child was about to be triggered. I knew how incredibly quickly these things can escalate, with verbal and physical violence often bursting out spontaneously. As I walked over, I saw the man move directly into Paul’s personal space and extend his finger menacingly. I was about to intervene when Paul looked directly at me over the man’s shoulder and said simply “Right. Get him out.”
It had taken only the briefest glimpse into the man’s venomous nature to persuade Paul to make this decision. Now, there was going to be a conflict, but at least I had the element of surprise and could control where the incident would occur—outside.
Conflict
The man was completely unaware that I was directly behind him, and was caught off-balance, with a finger still in Paul’s face, as I put my hands on his shoulders and steered him towards the door. These people have incredible subconscious intelligence and experience of violence, so he refrained from doing anything until he ascertained exactly who he was dealing with. Outside the front door, he turned back to face me, took a second to scan my stature, my face, my clothes, my perceived nationality, and my demeanor. At this point, he felt confident that he could start abusing me at the top of his voice.
That was fine; I hoped it was theraputic for him, and exactly as I was wondering where the girl was, she helpfully made an appearance to see why he was shouting: Both now outside the premises—even better.
The man was working himself up to a crescendo of rage, and fluently abused Paul and myself with an impressive display of foul language, but most of his colorful rhetoric was directed towards me—He wanted to see exactly how much he could get away with and began to approach my personal space.
My hands were up, but not in any kind of posture that could be seen as a fighting—or even defensive—stance. The whole point of the defensive posture of a security professional is that a belligerent attacker will not be aware of it: It is important not to challenge their ego with a visible stance, and this will encourage them to be overconfident and careless if they do attack.
However, there was always an invisible physical and psychological barrier up between us as my hands flowed and moved constantly in the space. I used my hands to assist my communication and appear non threatening, with the palms open and visible. In this way, they functioned as valuable antennae, and if he touched one of them, valuable information would be transmitted in both directions. I wasn’t worried at all so far.
Unfortunately, then he did come right in to test my defence, and his chest met my hand as I maintained the space between us with a slight push. I knew that it was a bad contact, and that if I had been a nightclub bouncer who warned him off with my own bad language and shoved him hard under the chin, he would probably have thought twice and perhaps gone home. But I had a shopful of customers watching us, and the camera on the door was recording everything.
Encouraged by my relatively passive response, he suddenly lashed out at my face explosively—It was fast, but he was drunk and clumsy, and I was waiting with my hand in exactly the right place to intercept. The fact that I was calm, thinking, and prepared was certainly an asset. I’ve always believed what a master doorman told me as youth—“If you can’t take a punch, you’ve got no business being on a door.” However, he had also picked up a battle scar of a partly missing ear lobe because of his particular style of physical intervention, and I was about to make the mistake of not paying enough attention because I knew I could take a punch from the man.
I moved my hand away from his chest and blocked his punch perfectly without trying to damage his arm with excessive force. Traditional blocks aren’t supposed to work in the real world, but as I said, I was expecting the angle that he would throw from.
However, his actions were also a probing attack, and after the first strike, he took a step back and started shouting again, momentarily putting his hands in his pockets at the same time. I should have paid attention to this obvious red flag, but I didn’t: At this point, the girl was shouting at the staff also, so I had half an eye on her.
He came in again, still blustering. Again, I kept him at arm’s length, and this time he adjusted his tactics and swung at me while keeping his hand in his jacket pocket. I assumed he was just trying to surprise me and blocked again, but the angle was slightly different and he caught me a glancing blow on the shoulder.
Two things happened: Firstly, I observed a flash of savage delight cross his face as he hit my shoulder. Secondly, I finally processed why his hand was in his pocket, and the fact that he might be trying to stab me with a concealed weapon.
It’s three strikes and you’re out: He wasn’t going to hit me a third time. My demeanour, energy, and stance immediately changed and I leaned forward and lowered my head slightly. My left hand was still out, but this time the antenna would be used to set him up for a strike from my own right hand.
Seamlessly, thanks to his lifetime of experience with violence, the man from the streets registered the change in me and instantly knew he had pushed his luck as far as he could. He took two steps back, looked over my shoulder, and fired a final verbal assault at Paul behind me. Then, he took the girl and walked away into the crowd.
Conclusion And Lessons Learned
I have, due to the course of my life, changed from a boy who was intimidated by anything and everything to a man who is somewhat more difficult to intimidate: Overall, that’s a positive development that I share with many people who have decided to start training in martial arts, public speaking, or writing. However, as I move into middle age, I believe that it is time to rebuild a healthy relationship with an emotion that has played a critical role in allowing humans to safely leave their primitive caves and last as long as we have—fear.
The day after the incident, I was asked by the assistant manager on duty if I had “booted someone out yesterday.” I relied that this was true and asked why they had asked. Apparently, someone watching the situation in the shop had sent in a customer email, saying the the incident had been well handled.
This was, of course, good to hear, but while I had been calm and restrained when facing violence, the customer didn’t know the mistake that I had made, and I knew that many security personnel bore scars or worse because of mistakes like mine. The old saying is true: It’s better to be tried (in a court) by twelve than carried out (in a box) by six.” In future, I would be more aware of my natural, healthy sense of fear.
I did get myself tested after the assault and I was fine: Fortunately, I had already taken a Hepatitis B shot because I traveled a lot. My fear of getting this disease had potentially played a role in protecting me from an infection in the shop.
Overcoming fear is a wonderful thing, but as another instructor told me, “A little fear is always good.” People try to protect themselves from serious injuries in cars by wearing seatbelts, but sometimes they end up losing their sense of caution and healthy fear, drive carelessly, and crash.
Creatures in the natural world rarely make this mistake. They experience huge stress and fear if under attack, but are able to quickly drop the feelings afterwards and move on. However, the memory of the attack is always stored for reference, and they never completely “switch off.”
I believe that we also should rebuild a constructive relationship—on our terms—with one of our oldest and most valuable friends: fear.
