A Year of Garbage Movies #22: “Meet the Spartans” (2008)

This was it. I thought that maybe we had hit a floor with regards to Friedberg and Seltzer, a sort of global minima where no fecal matter, outdated pop culture references, or half-assed celebrity impersonations would penetrate the nadir of their comedic ineptitude. Oh how wrong I was. “Vampires Suck” is like a sweet memory compared to this abortion.

Mistake #1: Carmen Elektra makes a cameo appearance in almost all of their movies. A cameo appearance. In this one they gave her an actual role. She should not get those.

Mistake #2: In the opening sequence, we see a puppet of Happy Feet tea-bag (complete with penguin nuts) the lead before shitting directly into his mouth (complete with penguin diarrhea). This basically sets the tone for the rest of this movie

Mistake #3: Fully 15 minutes are dedicated to Leonidas kicking people into the well in front of Sparta. Not characters relevant to the story, or the genre, or movies, or the current year, or anything like that. We start with the Persian, then Britney Spears and her infant, then Kevin Federline, then the judges of American Idol. I think there were others too but my brain has already begun generating a protective lesion over the dead sector to protect what little grey matter still lives.

Mistake #4: “OMG THE SPARTANS ARE GAY LOL!” is not the funny the first time this joke comes up, nor the 117th time. It is even less funny when the characters call attention to it or explain it