A Year of Garbage Movies #72, “Speed 2: Cruise Control” (1997)

A disgruntled former employee manages to take control of the navigation system for an entire fleet of oil tankers, cruise ships, and large naval vessels of every kind. They are now travelling at top speed on a looping course that will ensure that two boats collide every 30 minutes until his demands are met. On a thinly disguised Royal Carribean ship, celebrating their honeymoon, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are the only ones who can stop — HA just kidding that would have been a much better movie.

The subtitle is actually just a devious bit of marketing manipulation. Given what “Speed” was about, you might reasonably assume that “cruise control” refers to the feature, standard on most cars, that keeps your automobile travelling at a consistent rate of speed so you can yell at your kids in the backseat in safety. In actuality they meant it in the most literal sense possible. Someone takes control of a cruise…ship.

If you were expecting the same tension and capacity for mayhem that accompanies a large, cumbersome bus swerving through an urban landscape at 50 mph then don’t fret, producers have not yet found a way to retroactively destroy good movies and the original installment is still available on most streaming services. However I hate myself and won’t take my own advice so Speed 2 is what we’re talking about today.

Basically nothing about this movie makes any sense. None of the character’s motivations, none of the responses to any of the character’s…