A Year of Garbage Movies #93, “Norbit” (2007)

The year is 2006.

Eddie Murphy reclines on his couch at home, sipping mint tea to soothe his vocal cords after a long day of recording for Shrek the Third. He reflects on the franchise, and while he is pleased that Donkey is loved by both children and adults all over the world, he feels that it is time to return to the screen in-person.

He begins to nod off, half-formed screenplay ideas surfing on his subconscious. The hand holding the tea begins to droop.

“Duuuuuunkeh…..”

Murphy screams and spills tea everywhere. His insides turn to ice. He has always known his debt would have to be paid, but never suspected it would be so soon.

“I think you’re compensating for something, dunkeh”

The Shrek cardboard cutout in front of his trophy case has begun to speak and move. It gently picks up a gold-plated HD-DVD copy of The Adventures of Pluto Nash, examines the cover and swallows it whole.

“N-not yet. I’m not ready.”

Eddie Murphy is on the verge of tears. Deep down he knew that there was no escape from the swamp.

“Celebrities are like onions. Onions have layers. Celebrities have layers. Your layers have been stripped away. Your SNL career. Your acting career. Now you’re voice-acting career. All that’s left is the core. My favorite part of the onion.”

Murphy groans and picks at his mustache. He sold his soul for an iconic voice-acting role. He was promised renewed fame and riches for a time, but at what cost? He thought he knew.

“And what are you, at your core?”

The fake Scottish accent seemed to come from every direction. Eddie began to sob freely, snot and tears mixing with the dregs of the mint tea. Shaking, he got to his feet and began to shuffle to the kitchen.

“D…D-d…”

“WHAT ARE YOOOOOOU?!”

Eddie Murphy as the world knew him had to be destroyed. It was the only way to satisfy the green djinn. He crumpled over the breakfast nook, and clawed a pad of stationary towards himself. With an unsteady hand, he scrawls “Norbit” at the top and begins to vomit forth every abandoned joke, every half-formed idea rejected from his previous titles.

“D….DONKEY!”

He screams this last word as the stationary bursts into unquenchable flame and rises into the air. With the sound of 1000 lost souls abandoning all hope, it sails out the window in the direction of Dreamworks Studios.

The deed is done.

The being that was Eddie Murphy stands numb, oddly placid now that the pact has been fulfilled. He will be a good Donkey for many, many sequels. Numb and expressionless, he walks to the freezer and fishes out a damp yellow box. Without thinking he shoves the whole thing into the microwave and sets the timer to 10:00.

“Dunkeh?”

“Yes, Shrek?”

“What are you making?”

Murphy begins to giggle.

“I’m…”

The giggle turns to hysterical laughter as he rips open the microwave door and shreds the smoking cardboard box.

“I’M MAKIN WAFFLES!!!!”

He cackles as he crams handful after handful of burnt, crispy Egos into his mouth.

— — — — — — — — — -

At least that’s how I assume this lazier version of The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps came to exist. Eddie Murphy plays Norbit, a nerdy version of his Buckwheat character from SNL, as well as his own behemoth wife Rasputia and his adopted father Mr. Wong who is basically a collection of Chinese stereotypes.

While the movie was commercially successful and even received an Oscar nomination for “Best Makeup”, it was pretty hard to sit through. The movie rotates through a predictable set of punchlines, none of which are funny the first time nor the 99th time:

• Domestic violence
• “How you doin’?” (used as punctuation by Rasputia, Norbit’s wife)
• Rasputia is fat

This movie was mostly written by Eddie and Charlie Murphy, and in addition to the above “jokes” repeated ad nauseum, I have to wonder which of the Murphy brothers thought that an extended scene of Rasputia chasing down and running over a neighbor’s dog would resonate with audiences.

Pros:

• Kat Williams and Eddie Griffin provide actual humor that doesn’t involve Norbit getting slapped around or maiming animals.
• Terry Crews is present

Cons:

• I can’t enjoy the third Shrek movie quite as much, knowing this was going on in the background.
• As much as I’d like for another Jim Varney to exist, Eddie Murphy’s tried 3 times now and he’s just not up to the task.

Next up is #92: Prom Night (2008). Crappy horror is sort of my thing, so hopefully it’ll let me heal a bit before this slog continues.