Losing Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
-Brene Brown

There are moments in our lives when we can see our own heartbreak. There are moments when we sit across from the person whom with we’ve tangled up our lives and the feeling of pure, unadulterated sadness resonates through our body as the unthinkable suddenly becomes painfully thinkable. When all of the moments that you had planned for — all of the moments that you were looking forward to abruptly become obsolete.

There are moments when we sit cross-legged across from our partner and figure out the break-up. Where you have to figure out what goes with who, when the last day will be, where the last kiss will take place. Fear floods our bodies. The road to this point has been wonderfully long yet simultaneously far, far too short. The road after this is shrouded in fog and mist — there is no clear way out. Years left together quickly turn into months, which turn into weeks, days, hours, seconds.

Anxiety takes over your sleep regimine and suddenly you’re awake until 4AM every other night, trying to stop the pounding of your heart and convincing yourself that you won’t miss anything if you fall asleep. Telling yourself that the person you love will still be there in the morning, constantly terrified that you’ll wake up and find them gone. The fierce hurt and pain turn into irrationality, turning into self-destruction which leads you into a deep, dark sadness.

Your best friend and partner are tangled up into a single person and suddenly, the hurt you’re facing is both caused and soothed by the same human being.

The moments where laughter fades away turn into quiet anguish. You blink away the tears and count how many hours you have left together, both scared to know and scared not to know. Suddenly, you’re trying to pull away from each other because it hurts too much.

When half of your heart has to walk away, it’s impossible to not take it personally. Heartbreak is personal. Love is personal. Looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing that you are being left behind? Before you know it, authenticity goes out the window. You showed your authentic heart and you feel abandoned. Speaking rationally, it makes perfect sense that the last thing you want to show people is authenticity. Your authentic self wasn’t good enough. Protecting yourself from the world feels safer. It’s safer to hide.

Right?

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”
-Brene Brown

Trading your authenticity for safety is not the solution. It may feel safer. It may feel easier. In fact, it is easier.

But you didn’t sign up for easy.

Refuse to give up on the time you have together. Refuse to isolate yourself. Refuse to be inauthentic. You love them. You want the best for them. Their success is your success — that hasn’t changed. You love them, and they love you — that hasn’t changed. You still have time left together — that hasn’t changed. Instead of running away, celebrate the beautiful mess that comes with loving someone throughout vulnerability, courage, pain, and heartbreak.

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees — these are risks that involve vulnerability and pain.”
-Brene Brown

We love people for seasons; your love shifts as the leaves change colors and flowers bloom once again.

You tangle your souls together for a few months and feel like you’ve loved them since the beginning of everything. You find someone who truly sees you. From the moment you recognize each other across the room, you two are solid. You are whole.

We are meant to change each other — to shape, influence, and inspire. We are meant to embolden and push one other to be courageous in the face of painful adversity. Destined for a life of beautiful self-awareness, we develop our strengths and tug each other in new directions. Soulmates shake you up, bring in new light, and transform you into a revolutionary human being with unimaginable power. They say hello for the first time, the second time, the four hundredth and thirty second time.

They say goodbye in a local airport.

We grow together, and we grow apart.

To love is a risk. But to not love at all? That’s even more terrifying.