Argue Successfully in Your Relationship: 3 Points to Take Home
So, you’ve been arguing nonstop with your love. Nothing seems to get accomplished during the arguments. You argue to argue. He listens to respond. Hitting below the belt isn’t even a thing anymore, you guys are going for the fatal blows! Your arguments amount to nothing, they hold no substance and you end up angrier than you were when you first initiated the conversation. Believe me, I know what you’re going through. My boyfriend and I have suffered immensely from arguing the wrong way. Now, you may be wondering, how in the world can anyone argue the WRONG way? Trust me, there’s a right way and there’s a wrong way. The wrong way produces no results, there’s no positive effect. The right way produces results, the conversation becomes productive, and it becomes necessary. Below are three things you must keep in mind so that you and your loved one begin to argue successfully.
1. You are a TEAM!
This isn’t a message for marriage couples only. If your goal is to marry, you too will benefit from this point. I don’t follow this rule like I should, especially when my goal is to chop his head off with words; however, if you are mindful of the fact that a team mindset is the goal, you can have healthy arguments. Don’t argue for argument’s sake, argue to better each other. Propose meaningful points to your partner so that your argument is HELPING not hurting. You and your partner should BENEFIT from a productive argument. It should lead to a place of inspiration and motivation to be better people for each other. Now THAT’S a real team.
You must remember this point in the moments of rupture, remember this point when you want to utter something that will emotionally scar him/her. The next time you argue conjure up mindful thoughts like: Is what I’m about to say necessary to the overall goal? Can’t I get my point across without hurting her? Remember who your teammate is, the one who loves you in spite of you, remember the partnership and the goal of your relationship!
2. Pride Makes Everything Worse — Get Rid of It!
You will not accomplish anything when pride steps in the way. I’ll give you an example. When we first began to date, my boyfriend and I struggled with who held the power in the relationship. I wanted to be in control, so did he. His argument was that he was the man (he knows I’m a feminist to the core). My argument was that I have always been independent. I then began to tell him that I didn’t need him. I didn’t need him to take me on dates, I can take myself. I didn’t him need to be successful, I have two degrees and I am in school for a doctorate. I went on and on and this just made matters worse. Needless to say, it got ugly! LOL!
Pride took this argument to a place it should have never gone. In fact, if we were operating in our kingdom building purpose (will be discussed in point 3), we wouldn’t have been arguing over who is in control of the relationship. Keep your pride at bay when an argument becomes necessary, and at times, they will be, but pride won’t make it a successful one.
3. Remember the purpose of your relationship, NOT the argument.
I couldn’t let you go without adding a spiritual element. Arguing can be made more successful if you keep your task as a couple in mind. Several people think that the only benefit to an effective marriage or relationship is happiness. That’s simply not the case. Happiness is not the only benefit (Read Tony Evan’s Kingdom Marriage). In fact, it could be argued that happiness is not the most important benefit. Your marriage, your relationship, should benefit others. It should be your goal as a couple to inspire other couples and you can’t do that if your arguments are about power struggles or about who makes the most money, or about whose career is better. So, remember this as you’re about to take him down a peg or two by devaluing him as a man. Remember the overall purpose of your relationship, not the surface purpose of the argument. The argument you might have tonight should not supersede the purpose you two will share for a lifetime. So choose your arguments carefully. Make sure that they are paralleled with purpose (different from the surface purpose of the argument) and significance, otherwise, LET IT GO!
I hope this has inspired you to change the way you argue! You won’t get it right each time. I don’t. But at least, you’ll be thinking. At least you know now that your arguments can be successful!
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