Godly Love Lessons: Discerning Between Love and Infatuation
While scrolling through Instagram, I came across a picture with a married couple and the following caption, “True love isn’t found, it’s built!” Those six words spoke volumes to me. This quote deflates the fantasy that many of us have about love, especially women. You know, the fantasy that our prince charming will find us, sweep us off of our feet, and we will live happily ever after. I’m not saying that you won’t find a good partner or that you won’t fall madly in love but what the quote highlights is that true love won’t just happen on its own; it takes work from two committed people!
Often, what we call love is just excitement and infatuation! We usually equate love to the butterflies we feel when we first start a relationship…it’s new…it’s fun…it feels good. Unfortunately, this “feeling” only lasts for about 18 months max (sigh!) It is not love you are feeling but simple biology. Don’t believe me? Read on!
“When we enter a relationship, Mother Nature provides a bunch of brain chemicals that help us bond, fall in love and eventually propagate the species. During the first six to 18 months of a new relationship, there’s an increase in levels of dopamine, testosterone, PEA, and norepinephrine. Some of these chemicals are kissing cousins of amphetamines, so we can find our hearts racing when we think of our partners and even become flush and perspire. We find ourselves able to stay up all hours of the night and get anxious when we don’t get a partner “fix.” Over time, these addictive brain chemicals slowly reduce and our “normal” selves emerge to once again think about friends, family, and jobs and not just focus on our partner.” www.twoofus.org
A new relationship produces a type of “high” and when the high lifts, we think the love is gone. Actually, the love doesn’t start until the high lifts. This is why you have so many “serial daters,” they are chasing the high! I must admit that when I first got married, I had a misconception about love. I thought marriage was going to bring back the butterflies, and it does, but only temporarily.
After almost eight years, I agree with those who told me that marriage would require work. I remember feeling like I was somehow being punished because I didn’t feel like Allison in The Notebook. All sorts of thoughts entered my mind, like “Did I make a mistake?” It took the holy spirit, time, and godly wisdom from other married women, to help me understand that love is not a feeling but rather a choice! I had to choose to love my husband on a daily basis regardless of how I felt. And as we all know, feelings are fickle. When I changed my perception, my feelings changed as well. The biblical intent of marriage was to make us holy rather than make us happy. You can’t build a godly marriage with a secular concept of love. If you do, you run the risk of your relationship ending around the same time as the high.
Every marriage is unique, so I can only speak from my experience. However, there are some universal truths in marriage. First off, there is no such thing as the “perfect” marriage. You can have a happy and healthy marriage, but you will have to put in the work. Secondly, there aren’t any shortcuts to love. Much like a delicate flower, your marriage must be nurtured. You have to water it, expose it to sunlight, give it nutrients, and so on. Of course, I’m using these examples metaphorically, but you get picture. I am convinced that the divorce rate in America is as high as it is because of our misconceptions about love, the institution of marriage, and our need for instant gratification.
Do you want to get married one day? Well, here are a few tips to help you out along the way:
1. Be the person you want to attract. You can’t expect someone else to have what you don’t have yourself. Preparation is key.
2. Pray for a partner. Many people want to be married but don’t ask God for it. The Bible instructs us to pray about everything.
3. Be patient. Impatience can cause you to make rash decisions and miss out on what God has prepared for you. Wait on God!
4. Celebrate the love of others. Does it seem like everybody’s getting married but you? Well, I’ve been there! Your day will come so don’t be a hater.
5. Practice forgiving. Your spouse will hurt you. You will hurt them too. It is part of the human experience. We must be quick to forgive to stop anger, bitterness, and resentment from forming.
6. Enjoy your singleness. Being single is not a punishment or a plague. There are many perks to not having anyone else to consider or to consult. Embrace your singleness and by all means, enjoy it!
#TheGiftofTruth | www.thegiftoftruth.com
