GETTING LOST WILL HELP YOU FIND YOUR “SELF”
Have you ever found yourself so lost you couldn’t even begin to unravel directions back to integer zero? I don’t mean in your car or in the woods; I mean the structure of the world you’d created crumbled to the ground.
It has happened to me:
On the same day I learned my fiance had run off with her personal trainer, I also learned I was being called on the personal guarantee from a project I’d been involved with. I was in shock at the romantic betrayal, and even more shocked at being called out as a minority partner with the personal guarantee. (What I’d come to learn is that with a personal guarantee your equity isn’t what counts. If everyone else is insolvent, it’s you that investors come after). As the saying goes, “Bad things come in 3's…” So, to top it off, my now ex-fiancee had taken the dog I’d become very attached to. Not a great day.
I remember sitting on my patio, on a gorgeous fall afternoon and whatever I focused on, my eyes just kept crossing. In a word, I was “lost.”
Fortunately, I have great friends and family. I was embarrassed to call my dad, but told him what was happening and asked what to do next. His response was simple: “Don’t do anything, I will be there soon.” He was in New York and I was in Denver; he was by my side within 12 hours. Once Dad arrived, he went straight to work… like a General delivering marching orders. As we drove from the airport he was already outlining the plan, “Jeff this isn’t like the handle came off the cup and we can simply glue it back on. This is shattered glass. There is ZERO fixing this. We have work to do, which consists of getting her out of your house, and out of your life.” We picked up a picture of Clint Eastwood and put it next to my bed. Dad said “Jeff, I need for you to be thinking ‘What would Clint do? What would Steve McQueen do? What would Vince Vaughn do?’ Now is not the time to act like Woody Allen or David Schwimmer, capiche? Anytime you get a text message, a phone call, or an email, know that on average what you send will be shown to ten people. Just ask yourself: ‘Would Clint send that?’”
Starting right then, I began to make my days and myself busy. Maniacally busy. A friend bought me an audio program on “Getting the Edge.” What could it hurt? At that point, I truly was willing to try anything. One exercise was to write down all of your goals, for each area of your life. Everything you wanted to achieve, or at least try: “Health and Fitness, Socially, Relationships, Financially, Spritiually.” I wrote voraciously on each topic; pages and pages of goals, hopes, and ideas. However, when I got to the topic of spirituality, I simply sat there and stared. Then blinked. And then stared some more. I’m not a religious person, and likely never will be. However, the life coach was stressing how this component was perhaps the most important aspect of existence. I sat there for a while and felt a ton of resistance. Was this some religious sermon, trying to convert me when I was at my most vulnerable? I was smarter than that!
I did what anyone would do in this confused situation: I went to Wikipedia:
“The term spirit comes from the Latin word spiritus “soul, courage, vigor, breath”, and is related to spirare, “to breathe”.
This lead me to:
“Spiritual-but-not-religious:
After the Second World War spirituality and religion became disconnected. A new discourse developed, in which (humanistic) psychology, mystical and esoteric traditions and eastern religions are being blended, to reach the true self by self-disclosure, free expression and meditation.”
Wait… this was different than I’d thought. As I delved deeper, I began to realize Spirituality is nothing more than the development of your Spirit. Every coach I’d had stated the virtue of strengthening my spirit, and this seemed in line with all my martial arts training. Spirituality, I came to find, did not equal religion. It was my personal journey towards self-understanding. And through the pain of a bad week, I’d “woken up” and discovered a new path.
This was almost five years ago.
——————————————————————-
Unfortunately, it seems many of our greatest lessons in life come through pain and failure. My greatest periods of growth have come upon the heels of hardship; injuries, death, breakups, financial problems. However, I wouldn’t give back any of that pain. You never know where periods of personal disaster will lead. Although we see pain as a negative, you can never be so sure. I remember a story my Grandma Babe used to tell me;
“There once was a farmer who owned a horse. One day the horse ran away. All the people in the town came to console him because of the loss. “Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a bad thing and maybe it’s not.”
A few days later, the horse returned to the farm accompanied by 20 other horses. (Apparently he had found some wild horses and made friends!) All the townspeople came to congratulate him: “Now you have a stable full of horses!” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a good thing and maybe it’s not.”
A few days later, the farmer’s son was out riding one of the new horses. The horse got wild and threw him off, breaking the son’s leg. So all the people in town came to console the farmer because of the accident. “Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a bad thing and maybe it’s not.”
A few days later, the government declared war and instituted a draft of all able-bodied young men. They came to the town and carted off hundreds of young men, except for the farmer’s son who had a broken leg. All the townspeople came to congratulate him,”Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a bad thing and maybe it’s not.”
(And on, and on, and on it goes…)
Once you ‘awake,’ begin awareness training and become mindful, you begin to see every action as a spiritual practice. From washing the dishes to folding the laundry (my girlfriend will argue I should practice both of these more). This mental training helps you truly grasp the reality unfolding before you. Understand this; everything that you imagine is not reality. Being ‘awake’ means not going through life mindlessly, and to hold your ‘self’ accountable for your attitudes, decisions, diet, and the like. It’s also how you treat yourself and others, and how your words and actions affect your friends, family, community, and the Earth.
Being mindful means you can treat life’s disasters with curiosity and grace. Injuries, death, and problems will all happen. Relationships will end. These events are inevitable, however the way you receive these crises is up to you. I have begun to see life’s pitfalls as a necessary part of my training. It’s easy to find my breath and have a good attitude when it’s all going my way. The training comes into play when things go South.
A friend of mine had a breakup recently with “Sally.” He was despondent. I said to him, “Well look at it this way: There was the day before you met “Sally,” and a lot can happen in a day, a month, a year.
Meditate on that
