Dear Money,
For all you have and haven’t done.
My friend, my teacher, my lover.
Money, it’s time we had a talk.
I’m sorry for the ways I’ve used you, looked to you as my savior, and made you a scapegoat for my love and happiness.
There was once a time I condemned you, I burned your letters and scratched your face out of photos, I deemed you evil because my love and desire for you was astounding. I rejected you because I didn’t see myself as worthy of you.
In your absence I learned to create, to find myself in the darkness of my soul. And then you came around again, and you kept coming, staying close to me. I rejoiced.
But the truth, Money, is that once I had you, I wanted to keep you forever. I sunk my claws in and I controlled you. I know you wanted to be free. The truth is that’s all I’ve ever wanted, too. You wanted to come and go, to be who you are. You promised you would always be there when I needed you. I believed you, but more than believing you, I wanted you to be mine. And in that way, I denied you.
I denied us both.
I know it’s been rocky between us sometimes, and as we’ve made love you see the doubt in my eyes, or the split second I avert your gaze.
Your promise to me is that you will always provide me everything I need, should I trust you and lean into your harvest.
I open to you, Money. I am ready.
And my promise to you is that I will not make you my savior. You will never be my excuse to not go where my soul guides me. You will not be a false idol whom I worship and make the face of my deservedness and worthiness. I will receive you, fully.
I’m sorry for the ways I’ve rejected you while making you the object of my attention, for the ways I played games with you, distrusted your love for me.
To trust you, Money, is to trust my wholeness.
You are my equal. And I love you.
To our partnership.
For now and always,
Hailey
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