Fuck These People
Truly I say this with so much love
Things don’t faze me as much as they used to anymore.
Instead, they irritate me.
Like a fly who constantly wants to get in my face and on my food.
Or a mosquito who insists on biting any part of my body even after I shoo it away.
It pesters me, but it doesn’t break me.
It annoys me.
That’s what that lady does.
She annoys me.
She sits in front of my house, right in front all day pathetically trying to claim it as her throne.
I detest it.
I detest her presence.
The dragon in me gets seriously ignited when around her.
I’ve learned to trust myself in holding the high sensation my anger and rage offer me without actually exploding and creating a catastrophe,
I benefit from the jewels of her wisdom.
She’s my protector and her scent is deeply connected to a deep sense of justice and truth.
So when this lady gets close to me and my skin feels spiky, I deeply trust it.
My rose bush brings out all her thorns when in her presence like a cat with her claws.
Now, the part of me that actually ‘wants’ to hurt her… that’s on me. It’s on me to keep this dragon in alignment with the highest good.
That’s my responsibility to decide what that is and what that looks like.
That is MY work.
That part of me does exist and I’m sure in all of us. Very few learned to love and embrace it.
The part that wants to get gully on this lady’s whole body and cause damage.
This part of me very much wants to take the thorns that are emerging and use them to stab her whole body with it, so she can feel it.
Leaving a bloody mess.
But that’s not real power.
Also not a real good use of my power.
Real power is being able to feel the discomfort, stay true to my boundaries.
It’s the lion who holds the rose in its teeth with grace and does not snap it. THAT’S real strength and power.
This situation here is temporary.
That’s what the wise voice whispers into my dragon’s ears to help ease and soften Her ferocity.
A ferocity I’ve learned to honor and revere.
This. Is. Temporary.
Breath. Slow down.
Truly, I can abandon this ship if I wanted to.
I have the option to make anywhere else home.
I have the option of letting it all go and leaving them behind.
Let them be.
I spoke with a good friend last night, and I gained some perspective.
He’s the cocaine version of my relief.
The bling.
The glamour.
The fantasy.
The opening of a heart space for a family.
The invitation. It felt so beautiful.
He even included my daughter in it, which felt very special.
The possibility to offer my daughter to be raised in a community.
Yes, I have a community now and I want a different kind of community.
I want both.
I want my daughter to have these solid roots and I want her to have other roots.
I can have it. We can have it.
I want her to see that, yes, we have family, but we don’t abide by our inherited limitations.
Allow me to introduce MY new creed.
For me and my child.
For every generation that comes after me.
And also for the healing of my bloodline 7 generations forward and back.
We believe in body positivity.
We believe in sacred sex.
We believe it’s your body, your choice.
We believe that we chose this life and that we choose it.
We believe that life is much bigger than we see here on this planet.
We believe that the only true hell is where we keep ourselves captive in our own guilt and shame.
We believe in consent and desire.
We believe in the Holy Spirit of Desire.
We believe that everything serves a purpose in life.
We believe in magic.
We believe that catholicism and religion have been a manipulative social construct meant to keep people oppressed in their own fears.
We believe we are both human AND divine. That it is our God-given destiny to embody who we truly are however that may look. Despite what your opinion of what a godly lifestyle is.
What is a Godly lifestyle? You can’t say. A person’s destiny is their own. Period.
It’s their destiny no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
I may not be able to save my parents.
I may not be able to save anyone here.
It’s no longer my intention.
I’m letting go of being a rescuer here in my family.
It’s not my job to rescue them.
I am no one’s Savior.
Their journey is for them to take.
Their journey is sacred.
All life is sacred.
Including the journey of this annoying-mosquito-fly-pestering b i t c h that is sitting on my porch.
Fuck these people.
And truly I say it with so much love and reverence for life.
Namaste.
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