Lucid Dreaming
Alchemizing Trauma
Earlier this year I started lucid dreaming.
I wanted to connect with the child part of me that was deeply traumatized and felt forgotten and locked away.
Back in February when my system (my body) first starting opening to feel old trauma it was a lot.
Honestly, I was terrified.
When I would wake from a lucid dream I had so much energy running through my body.
It felt like high voltage electricity in my nervous system.
It felt like a hot burning sensation pulsing through my chest and stomach.
My adrenaline felt like liquid fire in my veins.
It’s the highest sensation that I’ve ever felt.
My animal instinct to survive felt active and alive.
I would freeze and it was all I could do to just breathe through it.
I’d hold my little one and comfort her. Rocking her back and forth.
Slowly over the last few months, the sensation started to alchemize and I didn’t feel so frozen.
I know it’s directly related to my SXBMB™️ practice.
SXBMB™️ is pussy stroking practice through guided meditation.
It’s a practice of being present with what’s true and alive in the body.
For me, it’s slowing down to feel the quietest part within me.
It’s observing my mind and all the distractions that come in.
It’s being present with all the grief I’ve run from and all feelings I haven’t wanted to feel.
It’s noticing when I’m not in my body and returning to my body.
It’s sitting with the numbness I feel and acknowledging the numbness.
It’s expanding my nervous system to feel all without a goal.
Nothing to get, fix, or solve.
I can’t really explain how it happened.
I just know as I kept being with the sensations in my body during my SXBMB™️ practice something shifted.
About a month ago the frequency of my lucid dreams began to increase. I started to have multiple lucid dreams a night. I’d wake up with intense sensations.
When I shared with my teacher what was happening she said you gotta move it when it’s alive and active in your body.
“Lean into it,” she said.
The first rapid-fire thoughts in my mind were…
You don’t understand how intense this is for me.
I can’t do this.
This is just too much.
I can’t handle it.
Amongst all the thoughts, I could feel the truth of what she was saying land in my body.
I knew leaning into it was the key to moving it.
Otherwise, I was still soothing that part.
The past couple of weeks I’ve leaned into the sensation.
When I’d awake from a lucid dream I’d get up and do a somatic release and SXBMB™️ practice.
Last week I got in the car and screamed like never before.
Like Bloody Murder screamed.
Afterward, I was like
God that felt good.
I had no idea how much I needed to do that.
Yes, it’s moving.
And releasing.
One night it was 2:30 in the morning. I had just done a somatic release and I started my SXBMB™️ practice.
With my noise-canceling earbuds in and Spotify playing it felt like I was in another world.
I felt wide open.
It was profoundly spiritual.
I finally got it.
Truths poured in and I could feel and see what’s been said probably hundreds of times.
So much of what I have called trauma is the mind trying to protect me from my own life force.
As a child when I experienced sexual abuse it was a lot of pure life force moving through my body.
I contracted and froze around feeling that much sensation of my own life force.
My mind and body didn’t know what it was.
I was terrified.
It was too much at the time.
I needed it to stop.
I was like OMG my mind is still trying to protect me.
Protecting me from my own life force.
Protecting me from my own power.
Every time I would feel my power I would feel victimized and feel old trauma.
It was like a light bulb went on and I could see all the brilliant intelligent patterns my mind came up with to protect me from feeling my power.
All of the patterns feed each other.
Parking my power in multiple addictions.
Numbing out and soothing my pain.
Being afraid of it.
Never wanting to feel it
Anything to avoid it.
Feeling victimized by it.
Let alone learning to create with it.
Oh my Fucking God what a revelation!
Man, it’s been a long road to get here and I couldn’t be more grateful for the work.
This feels like just the beginning as I continue to lean into this spot.
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