There are People Who Experience Happiness.
Well, that’s not really my life, yet.
There are people who experience happiness in this world.
Fullness.
Wholeness.
Nourishment.
Health.
Softness.
Safety.
Openness.
Centered.
Well, that’s not really my life.
Not all of it, that is.
There are parts inside me that only know of war.
Battle.Guns. Weapons.
Sleeping with one eye open.
Keep yourself (and your child) safe no matter what.
Trust no one.
This has been my inner Warrior’s manifesto and creed.
I’m learning more with time, this type of living will give me a heart attack someday.
It is very exhausting.
Being in this warrior state ALL THE TIME is also maddening. Paranoid making. Having everything be such high stakes all the time…
Uh, No.
No, thank you.
Kindly.
This is the result of resistance.
Resistance to what is true.
Resistance to The Call.
Resistance to The Way.
A Warrior Archetype, without full submission to The Way creates chaos.
Drama.
Confusion.
Instability.
Ungroundedness.
Disharmony.
Destruction.
Pain.
When in alignment, all these attributes are incredible.
Out of alignment?
Well, that creates the perfect ground for hurt and suffering.
A wounded heart.
Wounded and open as if my heart was outside sitting on your porch.
Outside of my rib cage.
Pure physical muscular flesh living outside of your body with very active nerve endings.
Exposed.
Naked.
Bare.
Vulnerable to the gentle air that leaves your lips as you whisper a hmm before you even sound out the first word of the sentence you are going to speak.
Like nails on a chalkboard.
Screeching.
Tightening.
From pink to purple to black.
Like your fingers get after playing with snow for hours with no gloves.
It burns as it thaws.
My warrior has had a brutally cold heart as a defense mechanism.
I’ve felt it -the cold.
The things I am capable of doing to anyone who poses a threat.
The ease with which I can just switch out, pull the trigger, with no remorse.
Dancing the dance. Playing the game of survival.
With only a shrivel of a feeling at its core — bitterness.
Feeling this bitterness IS the source of my fire at the moment.
Yes, I’m bitter and I’ve tried to hide it with toughness.
With being guarded.
Paranoid.
There is one thing I can no longer deny.
My heart is open.
Broken open.
And people do have the power to hurt me. As I have the power to hurt others.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Many protective resentment layers keep me stubborn in the cold.
But the opposite of that is what’s needed here.
Courage is what’s needed.
Hard, steel, strength is now my very own personal enemy as long as it is not in service to the highest good of all.
This is not to deny my deep relationship with this part of me, it is to highlight how when any part of us is run by our egoic patterns, it’s no good for anyone.
A warrior who does not drop to their knees and submit to Her is a danger.
It is a warrior's duty to surrender to Her, otherwise what the hell are you doing?
What are you fighting for?
What hole are you trying to fill?
Don’t you see, it is only in full surrender that will give you the very thing you’re fighting for anyways?
Surrender is the key.
Drop.
Bend.
Break.
Shatter.
Soften.
Your body is fragile and so is your life.
I don’t intend to live without my inner warrior.
I know that I won’t. Ever.
I do intend to sever the cords and ties it has to my ego.
I’m in pain and I’m hurt.
I decided that it’s time I experience happiness.
Fullness.
Wholeness.
Nourishment.
Health.
Softness.
Safety.
Openness.
Centered.
Put your armor down.
What are you fighting for?
I already said yes.
I already surrendered.
I am a good warrior, with nothing left to prove.
It is already known.
Surrender is the key which means surrendering my sword over to Her.
I hold the sword, She ignites it.
I raise it to the sky, and She parts the ocean.
Bringer of clarity.
Lightbringer.
Cast out to the shadows as your devil.
Hidden behind the veil of your perversion and sin.
Hidden in the orgies of your thoughts. Chained to the walls and cages you created inside of your body.
The constant need to fight and defend the sweet innocence of your desire.
With my armor down and nothing left to prove, I get to be human.
One who bleeds, feels, hurts, cries, softens, and longs.
A human, a soul, who’s learning to appreciate the depth and range of her love.
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