A Whole Lot of Judging
… says a whole lot about the one who judges.
We act to satisfy certain needs and wants, whether present or previously unsatisfied. Our actions range from the morning cup of coffee to perk up and a simple ponytail to camouflage a bad hair day, to daily morning prayers and making sure the lucky pen is brought in on exams day. Similarly, the 80-year-old who brings home baked cakes to her neighbours all day long might yearn companionship. The friend who shuts down might not want to talk about their parents’ flailing marriage. The father who never misses a football game might refuse to let their child feel the sadness that he himself had experienced, with no parent cheering him on as a child. The mother who keeps on giving choices probably had none when growing up. The family who smiles for the camera refuses to make its tears public.
We do the best we can to meet our needs and wants.
Yet, we spend a chunk of our time judging the best of others.
Making a judgment call versus being judgmental
We need to understand others to make sense of and to navigate the world in which we are living. Making quick judgments about our surroundings — for instance deciding to bolt when coming face-to-face with a menacing looking stranger on a quiet street — is a survival tool. We need to make quick judgments in other situations too, such as behind the wheel when figuring out whether it is the right time to change lanes or not. Should I be reaching out for a handshake or a hug? As a musician, do I carry on with my next planned piece for this specific audience? Such decisions require us to process available information quickly and effectively.
However, making judgment calls about our surroundings for immediate action is not the same as being judgmental.
Being judgmental is an act of comparison. It is how we grade others’ actions using our beliefs and convictions as yardstick. It happens quickly, is often based on inadequate information, and it reeks of biases based on stereotypes and errors in thinking.
It is not uncommon to be judgmental of individuals and their behaviours instead of collecting information to understand them. In fact, try to recall the last time you simply watched someone emptying their shopping cart at the cashier without a running commentary inside your head. Chances are, you cannot. So many processed foods; such a disorganized cart; money down the drain — just look at all the alcoholic drinks!
The harm of being judgmental
Each one of us sees the world through our own coloured lenses. Our life experiences imprint on us a specific way of understanding life and this perception changes over time. Yet, it remains our own perception. When being judgmental of others, we use our perceptions as facts and, since we want our understanding of life to be right, we tend to assume that others are wrong. We assume that the quiet friend is boring, and that the loud voiced one is arrogant. We see an over-indulgent parent in the one who allows their child to make food choices; or we view the young person who does not attend local prayers as lacking cultural knowledge.
When I am judgmental of your actions, it says a lot about me, not about you.
Imagine the beautiful connections we might miss out on because of our tendency to judge others. It robs us of the opportunity to truly understand another individual. You might have found great friendship in the quiet peer if you simply did not assume them to be boring.
We can also hurt others, both overtly and quietly, by being judgmental. Calling out on a young parent about their disciplining methods causes embarrassment and self-doubt. Reacting in a passive-aggressive way is also common when we become judgmental. Have you ever been the recipient of the eye roll when you asked a question during a meeting? It hurts and makes you flustered, does it not?
How can we be less judgmental?
It would have been so easy to simply stop being judgmental, but it is not something that we can simply turn off. However, there are some things which we can do to better keep ourselves in check.
· Remember that first impressions do matter, but they may not always be correct.
Be receptive to other information which might contradict your initial thoughts about a person or a situation.
· Be kind to others. Each one of us tries to do the best we can, and messing up occasionally is part of the game.
· Be kind to yourself. We tend to be less judgmental of and harsh towards others if we practice being so towards ourselves first.
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