Do You Care Too Much?
Why We Focus on Others Instead of Ourselves
Sometimes caring isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I should know. I spent years worrying about other people’s feelings, other people’s opinions, and other people in general. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want to get into any arguments. I wanted to be seen as a nice, reasonable person.
What they probably saw (when they took the time to look) was someone who was nice, but not comfortable being herself — someone who needed approval and hated conflict.
These days I’m not so worried about how people see me, or whether they’ll disagree with me. As long as I feel good about my choices and beliefs, I’m happy. And if someone has a good reason for disagreeing with me, I just might learn something.
It took me decades to get to that point!
I think it took so long because I didn’t realize I had a problem. I didn’t think about the choices I was making — or why I was making them.
I wish someone had told me what I was doing wrong — or better yet, taught me how to figure that out for myself. Looking back, I can see the warning signs were there. But I missed them because I didn’t know what to look for.
There were at least three red flags:
- I would rather listen to someone’s problems for hours (and desperately try to solve them) than walk away from a pointless conversation. One time an acquaintance asked me to help someone. When I talked to him, I discovered that his “problem” was that the women he was with wanted him all to themselves (because he was such a great, attentive lover)! I couldn’t even cut off a conversation with a guy who was (a) wasting my time and (b) trying to make me want to have sex with him!
- When people debated something, I was super careful about sharing my opinions. I’d put lots of energy into saying things in a way that people would agree with, rather than just saying what I believed and why.
- I did things I didn’t want to do because other people pressured me to. I hated to disappoint anyone or hurt their feelings.
Can you relate? Do you let people talk your ear off rather than get on with your life? Do you want everyone to agree and get along? Would you rather give people what they want than stand up for yourself?
If so, you’re caring too much about the wrong stuff. And that stuff isn’t what you think it is.
The Hard Truth
If you’re spending more time on other people’s problems than your own, you’re not just caring about them. You’re trying to be the hero, prove how much you care, avoid disappointing someone — or something else. I can’t tell you what that is, but I can tell you this: If it hasn’t already taken over your life, it will.
If you’re afraid to say what’s on your mind, either you don’t give people enough credit (most of us can handle the truth, even when we don’t like it) or you’re afraid of being rejected. Or you’re right: they can’t handle it and they would reject you. In other words, you’re hanging out with the wrong crowd and afraid to look for a better one.
The Control Game
If you’re letting people pressure you into stuff, you’re probably trying to control them. You read that right; I said you were trying to control them.
But how can that be? You’re the one suffering! They’re the ones getting what they want… aren’t they?
Not exactly. The truth is that everyone’s getting something they want, including you. But you might not be aware of what you’re getting.
You see, control isn’t a one-way street. If you weren’t getting something out of those sacrifices, you wouldn’t be making them. If you think you’re getting nothing in return, that means you’re not fully aware of whatever’s driving you.
Psychologists call this secondary gain. If you’re insecure, you might be looking for approval. If you’re lonely (or worried about ending up that way), maybe you’re trying to keep people around.
But what kind of people are you holding onto?
Reasonable people understand that you have a life, too. They don’t expect you to ignore your own needs every time they ask for something. Their love and care don’t come with that kind of price tag.
Stop Playing the Game
The only way to win the control game is to stop playing. So when you think you might be caring too much, ask yourself what you’re so afraid of and notice the first thing that pops into your head.
The answer might surprise you. And there might be more truth to it than you realize.
So keep asking. Keep track of your questions and answers in a journal or a file on your computer. Pick up a few books on things like people-pleasing, codependency, and setting boundaries. (I explain the psychology behind being a doormat in What About Me: The Insider’s Guide to Better Boundaries.) And when you find something that hits home, read it again. And again.
If you do these things, it won’t be long before you gain valuable insight into yourself and the patterns that aren’t working for you. And that’s the first step toward a better life.
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