Grieving Lost Friends
Some friendships don’t last forever, and that’s okay.
It’s heartbreaking to realize that you will never be friends with someone again. Someone you loved, someone you trusted, hurt you like this.
I’ve been through my fair share of friendship breakups. The ones that end in an awful fight, the ones that ghost and disappear, the ones where they just sort of…fizzle.
We go through romantic relationships knowing that it might not work out, but we rarely have that in the back of our minds when making a new friend. It’s just assumed that they’re going to be our friends forever. But sometimes, a friendship just isn’t meant to be.
The loss of a friendship isn’t a personal failing on your part. Some people are meant to just pass through our lives like that. You are still worthy of friendship.
Even still, when I was going through it, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I analyzed it over and over again. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?
The truth is, there’s nothing you can do to change what happened. If the other person doesn’t want to be friends anymore, the best thing you can do is accept it and move forward.
I know, harder than it sounds. But it can be done.
Five Simple Steps to Take
Here are some steps that have helped me in the past. I don’t know for sure that they will help you. We’re different people after all, and something that works for me might not work for you. But it can’t hurt to try, right?
1. Get Closure
If you can, reach out to the friend and get the closure you need.
With a romantic relationship, there’s usually a moment when you know that it’s over. You can dust off your hands and move on.
With a friendship breakup, it’s a lot trickier. There’s not always a surefire way of knowing that the friendship is definitely over. Letting your friend know how you’re feeling and getting feedback from them will help you understand what happened.
2. Give It Time
I know, I know, it’s basic advice. But it’s true! Everything DOES get easier with time.
I am not promising that you’ll look back on this moment and laugh, but you will feel whole again, trust me.
Be honest with other people about what you’re going through, and give yourself space to grieve the relationship and sit with your emotions. Get that tub of ice cream. You deserve it.
3. Get Moving
Even when you don’t want to leave your bed.
We’re talking arts and crafts projects, working out, playing music, writing, whatever it is that you’re interested in.
There are three benefits to doing this. Number one, it takes your mind off your existential dread. Secondly, improving a hobby can make you into a more confident and interesting person. Lastly, as Elle Woods puts it:
“Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t just shoot their husbands.”
Or in this case, happy people feel better after being put through the emotional wringer.
4. Lean On Your Support Systems
One of the worst things about friendship breakups is that they ARE your support system.
Seek out your other friends for advice and support, and make sure they know how much you care. Friendships take active work, and once you take them for granted it is really easy for them to fall apart.
Talk to your family members. Talk to a therapist if you have access to one. Hell, talk to random people on the internet! I’m here in the comments section if you need somebody.
5. Meet Other People
It might feel like they were the only person that you could be best friends with, but they’re not. You have proven that you can love someone deeply, and that comes from you.
Finding new friends can feel daunting. But you can do it.
I started with baby steps, going on walks more often and asking people I vaguely knew if they wanted to get coffee. I even found new friends at online sites like Meetup.
When you are finding new friends, remind yourself that deep friendships take time. It will be worth the wait.
You are not alone. This has happened to almost everyone I know. It does not make you a bad person.
Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself. And forgive the other person too, while you’re at it. There are days when I want my old friend to be tearfully looking back and regretting her decision. But mostly I want her to be happy.
So go forward and seek out new friends.
So hi! It’s nice to meet you!
