Is “No!” really a complete sentence?
Manipulation, Relationships, and Memes
I wish I’d come up with the idea that “no” is a complete sentence. It’s so badass! But it’s not always the best way to set your boundary.
In my very first book, 7 Easy Ways to Say NO to Almost Anyone, I devoted a chapter to that meme. My version was “no excuses, no justifications” — not nearly as sexy, but I guess that’s me!
I like to think I made up for that with a simple dose of truth:
Just because someone demands an explanation doesn’t mean you have to give them one. — Steph Sterner
If you’re like me, you see yourself as a good person. And if we’re both honest about it, we want others to see us that way, too. That’s OK. But we need to make sure we don’t want it too much.
Why? Because manipulators know how to exploit that weakness.
One of their favorite ways to do that is to wait for you to start explaining why you won’t do what they want. If that doesn’t happen on its own, they’ll give you a little push: “Don’t you want to help me?”
If this is your first rodeo, you’ll be happy to oblige. You don’t want anyone to think you’re unreasonable, and besides — once you explain, they’ll get it.
Unless they don’t want to.
A determined manipulator can spend anywhere from minutes to hours trying to talk you out of your perfectly reasonable choices. Before you know it, you’ll become obsessed with trying to make this person understand that this just isn’t a good time for you to invest — or go out for drinks, talk about your feelings, or whatever.
And he’ll be just as obsessed with wearing you down. Until you finally give in.
How did that happen?
So what keeps us stuck in this dynamic? Why don’t we realize we’re not getting anywhere and put a stop to it?
A few things come to mind:
1. We expect others to be as reasonable as we are. We’re convinced that once they hear our reasons, they’ll understand. So when they keep arguing, we work harder. It never occurs to us that they already understand.
2. We think we need a good reason to say “no”, and we’re looking for permission. For some reason, it’s not enough to know we’re right. We have to get someone else to say so.
3. We haven’t learned the difference between being liked and being respected, so we keep trying to be liked. Trust me, it’s a crappy substitute.
When you’re dealing with selfish, pushy, or entitled people, it’s important to get past these hurdles and focus on your rights. Otherwise, they’ll walk all over you.
That’s when you need to remind yourself that “no” is a complete sentence.
How Our Memes Fail Us
I love memes. They can be powerful, even inspiring. But that doesn’t mean we should always follow them. Would you say, “Just do it!” to someone who’s thinking about selling their car to invest in a pyramid scheme?
Memes are like advice, only punchier. And every good piece of advice has its context… and its limits. “Just do it!” is great for someone who’s procrastinating or overthinking. “No is a complete sentence!” is a great way to deal with users, takers, and all sorts of pushy, entitled people. But it’s no way to treat the people who care about you.
If Rebecca got you your first job and listened to you rage about your ex for months on end, you don’t just say “no” when she asks for something. You talk to her about it. You look for ways to help that work for both of you. Even if you can’t help this time, she’ll know you care. She won’t regret supporting you when you needed it.
Sometimes our relationships are more important than our rights.
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