My 37-Year-Old Friendship — Died for 20 Years
7 Powerful ways to defibrillate relationships when you can’t find a pulse
Yes, my 37-year-old friendship was dead for 20 years. You may do the math and say, “girl that means you have only had 17 years of friendship.” No, I have a 37-year-old friendship
Yes, I could feel the hope — and hope maketh not ashamed. Please take a minute and read Jo Ann Harris’s article on hope. You will get some great insights.
7 Powerful ways you can breathe life into friendship, even if you have to let it go
1. Feel the hurt
This occurs after what happened…happened! The last conversation was had and it didn’t seem to work! Apologies made — forgiveness was on the table and it still didn’t work. You know it will never be the same — it will never be the same!
2. Step back
Stepping back is about you — about self. Your emotional health and/or your mental health perhaps. You have been affected and infected by hurt, upset, misunderstanding — the pain of betrayal, maybe guilt and so much more — but you make the choice logically to step back.
3. Own what’s yours
Talking to other people can help you here. People you respect and trust — to a certain extent. At the end of those conversations, owning what’s yours is crucial. It’s personal and most of it must be done on your own. You may feel you have nothing to own — be that as it may, just do a quick scan anyway.
4. If possible — have the last conversation
You may have had a few conversations after what happened but this is the one that you know may be the last one, and if there are others, they may be strained.
This is difficult, but you can do it — try not to defend yourself too much. Defensiveness may deflect your healing. Please try to stay in ownership a bit at a time, because there is so much to learn here.
5. Grieving the loss
Depending on your situation, this may be absolutely necessary. To avoid it may not be in your best interest. To avoid it may render you dysfunctional to yourself.
You would go to the doctor for a fall or a wound or at least tend to those wounds. It’s the same kind of thing. Pretending it doesn’t hurt won’t stop it from hurting.
This is leaning into the loss working through it, not around it. For some, there’s an empty place where a friend used to be. No matter how many lovely friends you have — one of them is missing
6. Checking for the pulse
This is after some time of healing. You see in those 20 years that I thought my friendship was dead. I had hope!! I certainly agree that the hope would need to come from a fundamental premise.
In those 20 years that my friendship was dead — It was actually still alive — I felt a pulse!
That pulse may be felt in the form of a memory, you may get a phone call, a ‘bump into’ moment. Someone may tell you that ‘so and so’ asked about you.
You may see that person at a funeral or a wedding or a number of other ways. You may not even know in those moments if you feel a pulse, until later.
Some may say the friendship is DEAD — let it go! — What Now?!
7. Using the defibrillator
This is the best part. Defibrillate away — Hope & Healing is the defibrillator. Use the defibrillator on yourself. Use HOPE & HEALING on yourself. Whether your friendship is reconciled or not, Is not the issue. I actually had peace about that friendship without reconciliation — 20 YEARS!!
In the 20 years before reconciliation, I had hope and peace as I continued with my life. I would have continued doing just that, no matter what!
My 37-year-old friendship is intact today because of these 7 powerful things. I so wanted to share them with you.👏 Yes, we definitely reconciled, and have a great friendship today.
“Hope maketh not ashamed”…Romans 5:5
If I was to conclude…
Those 7 powerful ways evoke healing in a three-fold sort of way.
- You Heal — so you don’t inhibit your ability to love that person — a very spiritual thing. Not easy, but keep at it!
- You Heal — so you can go on with your life and your calling, whether there is a formality of reconciliation or not.
- You Heal — so that if, or every time, you think of that person or see that person you experience different measures of resolve. Your heart becomes the bearer of an unseen beta test.
You become the data that says, you can breathe life into friendship, even if you have to let it go. You can care for or even love that person and not be in contact with them again. I’m going through it right now with another friend. Life Changing!©
Sandra McKechnie
Please buy me a coffee to support my work.💖Thanks so much.
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