On Becoming an Island
and how to combat the loneliness epidemic
It is the present-day norm for many Americans to default to a life of solitude. Plenty of us eat, sleep, work, and recreate, alone. Being a young twenty-something, I know that gaining some independence in the world can be a thrilling time. I remember how enthused I was to pay my first month’s studio rent and establish what felt like for the first time a life that was in my control.
Although it is comical how eager I was to begin draining my childhood savings account.
And though I believe living alone has been a formative time where I’ve become more self-reliant and comfortable with my introverted tendencies, I am beginning to realize that the concept of “living alone,” which may even be a luxury to some, has been oversold to us, without enough counter-emphasis on the negative consequences of social isolation and how to combat them.
I think this concept has also been marketed to us. As I scroll through my youtube account the number of “living alone” vlogs is exhaustive. Hell, my entire Medium platform is dedicated to solo living and travelling. These images do a good job painting a very dreamlike idea of what it’s like to be a stylish individualist, whose thriving, and has their shit together. But often times these glamorous snapshots do not convey how easy it is to slip into episodic or even chronic loneliness.
Even as a die-hard introvert who often starves for their silent evenings, I relate to feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and the distress that can result from that.
The loneliness epidemic
According to a recent Kaiser study, 22% of adults in the US struggle with loneliness and that’s more than the number who smoke or have diabetes. People who struggle with loneliness also have a higher chance of being diagnosed with cardiovascular disease, dementia, and insomnia. This to me was a sobering statistic when I heard it on a recent podcast episode from Hidden Brain.
Additionally, Dr. Ilardi, a professor of clinical psychology, writes in his book, The Depression Cure, how nearly 25% of Americans have no intimate or close connections and the majority of their time is spent alone. The author goes on to explain how less time spent with loved ones or even in the company of looser social ties is a risk factor for depression and suicide. This is due to the fact that our stress hormones rise and our mood and energy begins to plummet the longer we are disconnected from people.
Given this information, sometimes I reconsider my individualist way of living when I think about how our ties to larger communities, whether that be local, religious, or familial, aids not only our biology but our psychology.
For example, Dr. Ilardi’s research shows how clinical depression rates were found to be non-existent among modern-day hunter-gatherer bands. One group in particular are the Kaluli people of the New Guinea highlands. The reason being is they live a life parallel to that of ancient Hunter-Gatherers, who were dependent on their community for survival. Living in such traditional communities provided protection from neighboring threats, increased the number of pooled resources, and evened out the burdens and responsibilities amongst clan members.
Now I may never truly understand what it is like to live in such a community, to feel a distinct tribal connectedness and responsibility to the land one occupies. But despite the natural hardships that must befall the Kaluli people due to the lack of technological resources which we possess, they sound overall more emotionally resilient.
The effects of loneliness
The real problem with loneliness is the shame which surrounds it and this becomes debilitating for those consumed by it. That the person feeling alone and invisible thinks there is something inadequate within themselves that is causing this feeling of social desolation.
As a brand new ER nurse the effects of loneliness and what it leads to are very familiar to me. Every patient that is seen gets screened for depression and level of suicide risk. Illnesses related to mental health are prominently seen throughout the department. Not to mention feelings of grief, bereavement, and fear, which patients and families may feel alone in when dealing with such emotions.
Loneliness lingers everywhere, whether we are with or without people.
I remember one day I was feeling particularly alone and wrote this in my journal—
“I was feeling really dreadful last night on my drive home from the restaurant. I was thinking about how I wish I had people to talk to on a daily basis about things and that I could enjoy myself more around people.
I wish I wasn’t all about self preservation, tidying up the cabinets in my brain, and dusting off the coffee table every 5 seconds, obsessed with budgeting and to-do lists, and feeling that I must take on all the responsibilities — so much to the point that I become so independent that you could drop me on an island, and I wouldn’t need anyone.
I’m becoming that. An island.
I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
The antidote to loneliness
How do we rebuild connections within our communities and within ourselves? This problem of feeling disconnected from others has been at the forefront of my mind recently. And I have been collecting bits of research and tools that are meant to mitigate the feelings of loneliness.
One of the more obvious ways to combat loneliness is to improve the quality of time spent with those in our social networks.
Dr. Iliardi states how we should write down a list of all the people we feel the closest to, no matter how far away, geographically, they happen to be and schedule in a time to meet up, call, or facetime. He says that “physical distance does not have to rule out the possibility of keeping such relationships alive.”
I found that writing down the people I feel the closest to forced me to get out of the cycle of thinking that “I had no one to talk to on a daily basis.” I also did realize I have people who I feel very close with that do in fact live in other states and countries. Whenever I scheduled phone calls with these people I was always so relieved that I did.
The second way to combat loneliness is to reframe the way we are experiencing “alone time.” I learned this in a podcast episode of Miss Congeniality with Eli Rallo. She says that the feeling of loneliness can emerge when time spent by ourselves was unintended.
Maybe we had a movie date with our friend and they ended up cancelling. “I did not intend to be alone tonight.” But what Eli does is try to change this feeling of unwanted alone time into time spent by herself that is exciting and something she actually would choose to do by herself.
This bleeds into the most important part of this recipe for reconnection and that is learning to connect with oneself. Learning how to simply be with ourselves in a kind and compassionate way, gets us in the right mindset. That way we can show up in our actions and conversations with others, with more intentionality and joyfulness.
“We can understand one another, but each of us is able to interpret himself to himself alone.” — Demian, Herman Hesse
My journal entries are not always the kindest towards myself —
“I’m filling up all the parts of my life that are irrelevant to the world. The way I must feel the world by myself all alone, on my couch, tidy a dish, and bike in the mornings.”
I think if I started to create a more hopeful outlook even when doing what feels so mundane at times I’d feel more in tune with myself. That just because I happen to be by myself does not mean there is some fatal flaw within me. It’s just that I need time to feel the world all by myself, alone on my couch, and that to me can bring a sense of peace and internal stability. Doing chores in the morning and going on bike rides are things that set me up for success and I can start to honor that.
So maybe becoming an island is not such a bad idea. It may be this deliberate solitude and time spent accepting who we are and our own capabilities that can stave off loneliness. That way we can reenter society and be excited to engage with those around us.
Thanks for reading and for being here ❤
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