Mental Health
The Aftermath of Ignoring My Mental Health
I should’ve sought help earlier, but I didn’t.
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When I was a university music student, I struggled to keep my mental health in check. I never felt at ease, and I experienced anxiety and depression far worse than my peers.
I wasn’t aware of how important it is to care for your mental health. Where I’m from, mental health awareness is more openly spoken in public these days. You can see messages and helplines in trains, buses, and malls.
But back when I was studying music, talking about it meant you were weak-minded. And meeting a therapist meant you were crazy! I remember how empty the counseling office always was at my faculty.
My ignorance to care for my mental health led to tons of hardships that I could’ve avoided by getting the right help.
I didn’t know I had PTSD until five years after graduating when a professional finally diagnosed me.
What Is PTSD
Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe condition that develops after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event.
Primary PTSD symptoms include:
- Mood Fluctuations
- Dramatic Behavioural Changes
- Avoid Afflicting Memories
- Nightmares
- Sudden Flashbacks
- Anger Issues
- Dissociation
- Jittery
- Difficulty Concentrating
- Blackouts
- Memory Lapse
Wasted Opportunities
My piano professor had plans for me to achieve the success he envisioned. Thinking back, he pulled a lot of strings to provide me with opportunities. But I threw them all down the drain, one by one.
My struggle with mental health worsened when I was in the music performance department at the university. Everyone was always on edge, and I felt tremendous pressure weighing on my shoulders.
I often felt like I would explode, and my mood constantly went through drastic changes. One moment I’d feel normal. Then the next thing I knew, I’d feel utterly hopeless.
My mood fluctuations and anxiety resulted in a recurring queasy feeling and unpredictable decision-making.
I remember when my piano professor told me to audition for the youth philharmonic orchestra. He knew the conductor very well and asked him for a favor.
As soon as I heard the news, I felt like throwing up. So I told him I shouldn’t go, but he insisted it would be best for me. Not wanting to disappoint him, I went and wasted the maestro’s time.
I learned from my piano professor that mistakes are opportunities to improve. But he failed to mention that too many mistakes could tire you out.
And that was what happened to me — one wasted opportunity after another.
That’s why at some point, he gave up on me.
On Stage Blackout
Whenever I performed at the recital hall, I never failed to embarrass myself. I’ve always had music performance anxiety, but it was worse due to my poor mental well-being.
My lowest point on stage was when I had a blackout while performing. As I was playing the piano, suddenly everything went black. Then, when I finally came to, I continued playing as if nothing had happened.
Little did I know, I repeated a phrase over and over again during the blackout — like a broken record. Which explains the overly judgemental looks when I bowed.
To me, it felt as if a few moments went missing in between the piano piece. But to the audience, I was a horrible pianist.
I even affected a vocalist’s performance when I accompanied him during the exam. Luckily, the examiners disregarded my mishaps. But I knew some who would’ve yelled at me right then and there.
Though the vocalist didn’t fail his exam, he was clearly unhappy about it. And he had every right to. I knew I wasn’t in good shape, but I pushed myself anyway to make some extra cash.
Leaving Music Behind
After I graduated, I was utterly lost. I didn’t want to have anything to do with music anymore.
All it brought me was pain and chaos. I thought to myself.
Sounds a tad too dramatic, isn’t it?
But that was precisely what I felt. And it was exactly what learning music did to me at the university.
The music performance department was too brutal for me. People see you as either outstandingly good or absolutely bad. I’m not sure if this happens in other universities as well. Or perhaps it’s just a difference in culture.
I left music behind for a while, and I was everywhere. From working as a waitress at a hotel to working in the Distributor Service department at a Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) company.
By the way, I highly do not recommend anyone to be part of MLM. Unless I supposed if you have networks with fat wallets to recruit. Well, that’s a story for another time.
After roaming around aimlessly, I started to miss music again. So I taught full-time at a music academy and rekindled my love for music by teaching children!
After a few years into the teaching scene, I was finally financially ready to seek professional help for my mental health. So I went and learned about my condition.
Learning How to Cope With PTSD
The therapist I met happened to specialize in PTSD. She told me that I was in a constant state of fight-flight-freeze, which explained why my mind was never at ease.
There are different types of treatments for PTSD, which includes:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
- Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
- Prolonged Exposure Therapy
- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
- Stress Inoculation Training
- Medications
In my case, I did CBT and EMDR. CBT teaches you how to understand and change unhealthy behaviors and emotions. Whereas EMDR uses rapid eye movements to reduce the emotional impact of traumatic memories from the past.
I won’t go into detail about each therapy. I’ll leave that to the professionals instead by the end of this piece.
My first session was just a ‘getting to know you’ meeting. That was when my therapist gathered as much information as possible from the very little details I was willing to share.
Getting help from a mental health professional is a two-way street. I’ve seen some who expected miracles from clinicians just by being present in their weekly sessions. But it doesn’t work that way!
In fact, according to a licensed independent clinical social worker, Laura Mueller — clients have to be willing to open up for therapists to help. She also added that there are no shameful and taboo topics in a therapy session.
But I’ve always struggled to share about myself with others. Thinking back, my therapist had a tough time dealing with me.
We started with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to improve my daily activities and thoughts. After going through CBT shortly, I started to live healthier:
- Spent some time talking on the phone with my best friend.
- Occasional lunch and dinner with some friends.
- Switched frequent gloomy thoughts to a more encouraging tone.
- Went for a morning hike on my day-offs.
However, I was a little put off by my first impression of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). The whole process felt unnatural, and I was never focused whenever we did it. The only thing I could think about was — Man, this is weird! I just want this to be over.
But my first breakthrough with EMDR was exhilarating! Finally, I was able to reprocess a few traumatic memories, which made me feel anew. But soon, I also realized that I had more bad recollections than I remembered.
After reprocessing one trauma, another came up. Then another, and another, and another.
It went on and on like it was never going to end. Every suppressed memory that resurfaced drained me to a point I needed to take a break from meeting my therapist. I was getting impatient as I expected to feel ‘fixed’ after each session.
But that’s not how therapy works.
3 Important Take-aways From My Therapy Sessions
1. Willingness To Seek Help
To get help, you must first be willing to seek one. You might feel hesitant to seek professional help and choose to keep everything to yourself. Or maybe you don’t have the means to do so… At least, not yet.
But you need to take the first step to help yourself so that other people can help you.
I was always afraid to be more open with others because I didn’t want to live with the possibility of being betrayed.
So not many knew about my past and that I was struggling mentally. I think all they knew about me was I’m no fun to be with because I always looked sad with some anger issues.
It felt awful how that was all people saw in me. But I can’t expect compassion from others when I wasn’t willing to give them the chance to feel that way towards me.
2. Accept Help From Others Graciously
Though I am improving, this is still a work in progress. If you’re anything like me, you don’t feel good accepting help from others. Your reasoning is you don’t want to be a burden.
But the thing is, people won’t offer to help if they feel that you’re a burden.
In the past, I used to turn down every kindness that came my way. Eventually, people stop offering help because it doesn’t feel good to get turned down when you genuinely want to be there for someone.
So when someone reaches out to help, do not hesitate to accept it. Because you may also learn how to seek and offer help by doing so.
3. It’s a Journey
There will be times when you leave your therapist’s office feeling on top of the world because you finally understood and moved on from a traumatizing past.
But there’ll also be times when you leave with more questions. And that’s okay. You can’t expect an immediate fix. Face each session as a journey rather than a goal you must accomplish each week
Honestly, to this day, I still have discouraging thoughts and sudden flashbacks from time to time. But since I’ve learned to understand my condition and some coping techniques from my therapist, I’m able to face every day a little stronger than I was yesterday.
As promised, you can read more about CBT and EMDR explained by professionals here on Medium!
- Learn more about CBT from an article by Adriana Azor.
2. Find out about the nontraditional psychotherapy — EMDR, from Hope Walker.
