The Truth Is, I am Saul
I don’t have the confidence in myself that I will succeed, so I stop at the dream, and I imagine the possibility.
Husband: what if you put your all into something, maybe a business, an idea, writing, or something, and it fails?
Me: I wouldn’t allow myself to be all in. It’s easier for me to support people who do; I actually find it admirable. However, I don’t think I can do that because it could fail. Me not doing it is like me preventing it from failure. I don’t have the confidence in myself that it will succeed, so I stop at the dream, and I imagine the possibility.
After this conversation, the next night, I was reading 1 Samuel 15, and I have been here ever since.
To summarize, in this chapter, God has rejected King Saul. God gave Saul the command to completely destroy the Amalekites, “kill men and women, infants and nursing babies, oxen and sheep, camels and donkeys” (1 Sam. 15:3). However, they spared king Agag and the best sheep, goats, cattle, and choice animals, as well as the young rams and the best of everything else.
They intended to offer these as a sacrifice to the Lord. The text tells us, “to obey is better than sacrifice” (1 Sam 15:23). At this point, the Lord has regretted that he made Saul king of Israel, and He rejected him. Saul confesses, “I have sinned…because I was afraid of the people, I obeyed them” (1 Sam 15:24).
The truth is, I too, am Saul.
Point 1: Partial obedience is disobedience.
I must obey God’s commands completely. I should not be doing what I think He would be pleased with or what I think is best. Like Saul, he felt the Lord would be pleased with them because they spared the best and offered it as a sacrifice. The Lord did not tell him to do that. He told him, and He’s telling me what to do which will please him. Obey what He said, and He will be pleased with me.
The Lord said to me, “Brittany, it’s time to stop half completing your assignments. Half completing results in half reward but half obedience results in disobedience.”
Point 2: Carry out what God commanded me, or He will find someone else.
“The Lord has torn the kingship of Israel away from you today and has given it to your neighbor who is better than you” (1 Sam 15:28).
It would behoove me to carry out the instructions of the Lord, or He will replace me. He has given me purpose, but I keep half-doing it. He specifically called me, and He believes in me, and this is my second chance to be obedient.
Side-note: God said to me, “you been faithful with giving the first 10% of your harvest, now give me the first of your time.”
Point 3: When you think you are right in your own eyes, you will walk in disobedience.
Saul said in 1 Sam 15:15, “the best was spared to offer sacrifice to the Lord, but we destroy the rest.” So in Saul’s eyes, because he set the best apart for the Lord and destroyed the worthless things, he thought he completed the instructions. The Lord did not ask for a sacrifice, He didn’t ask for something to be spared for Him, but they felt they were right in their own eyes.
Somehow, I think people’s opinion of me is right. Somehow, I think it matters. Somehow, I think it’s important or valuable. Only God’s opinion matters. Only what He believes about me matters. People should not control me.
Subconscious, I am demonstrating, people are right, and God is wrong. In my eyes, people’s opinion of me is more important than God’s view. This is simply not true, Brittany.
Point 4: Giving up something is not greater than obedience.
I want to give up food or social media, but I wasn’t obedient to the last thing the Lord commanded me. To be clear, we are to fast and surrender things, but obedience to God is greater than sacrifice (1 Sam. 15:23).
I need to obey first.
Sacrifices are to happen, they are essential, but I need to obey.
Point 5: I have sinned because I am afraid of people. I obey them.
I am afraid of people. My fear of people has been causing me to disobey God and His instructions for me and forfeiting His purpose for me because I obey their expectations, standards, opinions more than I obey God’s expectations, standards, and opinions.
Father, forgive me and not reject me. Father, free me from this mindset completely. Father, I no longer want to obey the world. I do not want to disobey You because I am half completing my assignment because of fear of other people. Daddy, I really want to be free from this mindset. I know Jesus is my freedom. Holy Spirit, change my thinking. I need to be renewed by the cross. I am sorry, I want to obey You. I want to complete Your instructions. I do not want to do partial work. Lord, I know it won’t happen overnight, but keep me here until I am entirely free.
Side-note: I think about how we try to impress our bosses (For example: the Battalion Commander, the Bridge Commander, the General in the Army), but I have to be authentic and be me. I want people to like me, but everyone won’t like me, and that’s okay. I have to accept that. I have to get to the point where I do not value their opinion to the point I have to alter who I am for them to be happy, pleased, or impressed with or by me. I must know who I am in Christ.
I am the righteousness of God. I no longer want to dream and see the possibilities of success, but I want to experience it.