There is No Such Thing as Time
The concept of time is my biggest enemy.
I always thought I was my own worst enemy. There are moments of great progress towards self-acceptance that mask my impulses of self-sabotage. When I think about a force that harms me more than my own mind, it is time. It is the essence of time.
I’ve spent years digesting the true concept of time — what it is and what it isn’t. I know it is a manmade construct. It provides some sense of clarity about where we are and what we should be doing on a regular basis. It provides comfort, but it is scary to consider.
Maybe the human understanding of time is a figment of our imagination. There is no before or after, today or tomorrow. Therefore, there is only now.
As I kid, I would joke that I wished to be a vampire. My reasoning for this was frank.
“If I didn’t need to sleep, I would be a millionaire by now,” I would proudly declare.
My mom would laugh as she asked me about all of the things I would accomplish through the dead of the night. Excitedly, I would rattle off an extensive list of hobbies, crafts, and forms of entertainment I wished to experience.
There were goals I knew I would attain if I just had more time.
Even as a child, I was always looking to gain another skill and advance myself. Innately efficient and fast-moving, it took many years to foster any sense of patience. When I had to wait, I felt like I was losing time that I could never get back. It never felt like time was on my side.
As a young adult, my relationship with time transformed into my biggest threat of anxiety. I never felt like I was retaining enough, milking all of my collegiate experiences, evolving fast enough… I recall a huge topic in therapy for me was the fear of “wasting time.”
By the time I graduated college, my fear of wasting time had risen to my top four fears. Honestly, that’s not something I have really shared with other people, but a flow of consciousness can lead to that, sometimes.
I go through ebbs and flows of accepting there is only now.
Sometimes I think I want the ability to control time in some way. When I am at peace with my body and mind, I accept that the only thing I can control is myself. I try to transmute my fear. I learn to embrace time.
Why empty the day of its strengths? Through every moment of each day, I have the opportunity to fully immerse myself in the richness of life, in the beauty of now.
So I close my eyes and breathe into what is now. I accept my current reality as a small human in a vast universe, discovering my purpose on this planet with each passing moment of now.
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