When Nothing is Better than Something
Emotional and physical distance may be the answer to some parental relationships
We live in a time when all of the good moments are captured and plastered online for everyone to see. Friends post pictures out to dinner, on winery tours, and at concerts with their parents. They are full of smiles, evidence they are having a good time.
The media also portrays strong familial bonds. While there may be disagreements or friction between parents and children, usually there is still a strong bond. Someone they can fall back on and despite all their differences has their back no matter what.
Just look at Ms. Marvel and her mom.
Which can make it hard to understand or imagine how being estranged from a parent might be the best thing.
We use ‘estranged’ to describe relationships where closeness and affection have been lost, a state of alienation from the previous relationship.
Wives are estranged from ex-husbands.
Estranged uncles find themselves part of the movie plot after their sister suddenly dies.
Estrangement can happen for various reasons, but they all lead to the same thing — the emotional and/or physical distance in a relationship that once existed.
In 2021, the New York Times reported that about 40% of Americans have been estranged from a family member at some point. That’s nearly half the population.
Becoming strangers
Family estrangement occurs when at least one family member begins distancing themselves from another.
It is most common for grown children to distance themselves from a parent, typically due to an ongoing issue in the past that the parent hasn’t resolved, addressed, or accepted. But it can also be a result of a disagreement on a current life choice, like significant other, religion, or politics.
Familial estrangement is voluntary and different from involuntary estrangements, like social services removing a family member, or parental alienation, when a divorced parent intentionally harms the relationship their child has with the other parent.
In a survey of young adults, Psychology Today found that about 17% had experienced estrangement with a parent, and more often it was with their father.
Estrangement is a spectrum and not a “one-size-fits-all” experience, and someone may fluctuate between different aspects of estrangement over the years and as the relationship and different circumstances change. — Together Estranged
Barriers are built between family members
Familial estrangement is no accident, it isn’t a routine that family members find themselves falling into. It is a deliberate choice, that usually, a grown child makes to distance themselves physically and/or emotionally from a parent or other family member.
The reasons for the estrangements vary in each situation. While many estrangements may be similar, it is rare that they are identical.
Commonly noted causes of familial estrangement include -
- Not feeling loved, supported, or accepted
- Physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse or neglect
- Poor parenting skills
- Substance abuse
- Financial issues
- Differences in religious and/or political beliefs
- Spousal conflicts
- Childhood trauma
- Other ongoing disagreements
Putting that barrier up, distancing the relationship with a parent, isn’t easy. There is the idea that we only get one set of parents and that family is everything. Or as crime boss “Black” Mariah Dillard Stokes always says,
Family first. Always.
Sure, we only have one biological mother and father, but that doesn’t mean they are the only parental figures we can have. Our significant other’s parents can stand in that place, a step-parent, or even the parents of a close friend.
When a relationship with a family member is not healthy — meaning it is emotionally, physically, or financially abusive and causing suffering — the victim has every right to stop interacting with that person. You should not have to tolerate unacceptable behavior just because someone is related to you. — Susanne Babbel MFT, PhD, Effects of Trauma: Estrangement From Family
We all deserve healthy relationships, which may mean not having a relationship with a parent right now. And that is okay.
In the parent’s shoes
It is most common that the estrangement blindsides a parent, typically they have missed cues on what is wrong for an extended period of time, and finding a resolution may be difficult.
Communication is key to problem-solving, but in these cases, the lack of communication is key to the child’s mental health. Parents should give their children room to breathe, reflect, and process.
When communication opens up, parents need to listen, with compassion and without defending themselves. Parents need to hear their children, really hear them, and acknowledge what is being said. True understanding is the only path to a resolution.
Parents shouldn’t plea or beg, and they should understand that violating a boundary that has been set won't improve the situation.
The situation may also warrant a parent starting therapy or discussing the situation during existing sessions. By working with a professional they may better learn how to support their child and possibly mend the relationship.
Taking control
An estrangement doesn’t have to be forever. There is no rule book for how estrangements work, beyond the physical and/or emotional distance factors. Some estrangements last two months, others two years, and some may go on forever.
Each estrangement is unique, but, dependent on the situation, a resolution may be possible.
It is important for each of us to remember two things — our circles of control and our freedom of choice.
We get to choose who we give power to and who we take power from. We get to choose when people have power. These choices are within our control.
Outside of our control is the reaction others may have. Their approval, understanding, and perceptions.
We get to choose who knows why we are estranged from a parent and who only knows that we are estranged.
We have control over how long the estrangement lasts and have the power to choose if a resolution can or has occurred. We get to choose what the resolution looks like, if it can be met, and when it is met.
Choosing to leave other negative interactions, to remove the power someone else has on us isn’t a new thing. We leave jobs that take advantage of us. We leave abusive partners. We leave friendships that have violated our trust.
That’s what boundaries are for.
We can leave relationships with family, it is okay and sometimes it is the healthiest decision we can make. It is about taking control of the situation and making sure you are taking care of your needs. That you are healthy, mentally stable, and able to find enjoyment in life.
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