Ivanka Trump is Home to Billions of Microorganisms
The Donald’s daughter is a stunning, intelligent host to a complicated ecosystem of micro-flora.
Ivanka Trump is in a difficult position: she’s a savvy, big-hearted woman whose loyalty to her family means being the one pleasant face of a toxic campaign, while simultaneously being a breeding ground for billions of anaerobic bacteria. As her father commits gaffe after gaffe in the lead-up to election day, the relief among campaign staff when Ivanka takes the stage is almost palpable. They know at least a few minutes will pass without incident when Ivanka steps behind the podium — notwithstanding the biochemical antics of the billions of bacterial flora lining Ivanka’s gut.
The second Trump child seems possessed of a compassion lacking, or at least deeply buried, in the rest of her nuclear family. But the organism we think of as “Ivanka” couldn’t exist without the universe of benevolent bacteria populating her digestive tract. An inheritance the size of Trump tower is wonderful, but it can’t protect you from Clostridium difficile, the mastermind bacterium behind infectious diarrhea. For years, Ivanka — Executive Vice President of Development & Acquisitions at the Trump Organization — has been relying on heavy hitters like H. pylori and various strains of Bifidobacterium to do the lion’s share of her digestive labor. The Vogue cover girl almost certainly produces an adequate amount of stomach acid; the most polarizing election in living memory has been rife with wild health claims about both candidates, and there’s no reason to cloud an already complex digestive process by implying that Ivanka isn’t pulling her weight in the HCL and bile categories. Her own enzymatic contributions to her metabolic processes are likely average. But the media’s rare charity regarding Ivanka often seems to miss the obvious — without the churning ecosystem populating her mouth, stomach, and (especially) colon, the billionaire heiress would be in bad shape.
Trump senior hasn’t spoken publicly about the dizzying spectrum of microorganisms inhabiting his daughter’s body, which comes as a bit of a surprise. Trump’s instantly-legendary hot mic moment with Billy Bush illustrates a passing familiarity with female anatomy; but one is left wondering if he realizes that the Lactobacillus crispatus in his daughter’s vagina is a crucial bulwark against infection.
At age 31, about 70% of Ivanka’s immune system is located in her digestive tract, even if she doesn’t know it. Most of human history saw our species eating food that was either raw or rotten. Has Ivanka personally endured the digestive ills that result from eating rancid meat? There’s no way to be sure. Nevertheless, she is the heiress of millions of years merciless natural selection; hence, her digestive system is equipped for crisis.
Trump’s daughter has been his adviser on women’s health and women generally, while providing refuge to over 100 billion anaerobic bacteria in every gram of her feces. Is that ironic? Not necessarily, say experts. Aerobes, like E. Coli, make up less than 0.1% of Ivanka’s stool. But who’s counting?
Perhaps we’ll find out the morning of November 9th.
