I Have Confidence In You
One of the weirdest things for me about being in my 40s is that I am confident about so many things. Confidence isn’t an emotion I’ve spent a lot of time with in my life. I was highly unconfident as a child. I was told I was fat, I was told that I was only merely competent at so many of the things I truly loved (horseback riding, creative writing, uhm, walking) and that if I wanted to see what perfection and confidence looked like, I should look at Sally and Molly and Jessica. I have no idea if those girls were confident or not, but they seemed to exude it, and that was enough to throw me off.
After college, upon entering “the real world,” I had a bit more confidence, but it was mostly based in ignorance. I thought I knew what was going on, what I wanted to be and how to get there. But there was something really important I wasn’t confident in, and that was my own skin. I continued to believe I was fat and unattractive and undesirable. I believed what the magazines and the tv shows told me, that to truly be successful you must compete with other women and that there was only one seat at the table and if I wanted it, I had to ruin someone else. In other words, I totally bought what the patriarchy was selling.
And when I look back at this phase in my life, I do so with a mixture of rage and intense sadness. Because I know now that none of what I thought was true. And I’m so pi**ed about all the opportunities I missed. Because, just when I thought I was at my least attractive, I was actually at my most (at least in traditional terms) attractive, and if, at that time, I had had the confidence I have now combined with my looks and my body, I would have been UNSTOPPABLE.
And this to me is the lesson I have taken away from my life and insist on passing along to all the younger women I know: The patriarchy WANTS you to believe this bullsh*t, because when you are confident and when you are working with (not against) the other women in your life, you are f**king UNSTOPPABLE, and that’s why they’re scared of us, that’s why they try to put us down, and that’s why they try to keep us in our “places.”
When we’re fighting each other, we take our eyes off them, and they get to keep doing what they do: Running things, helping each other out, making moves, making deals. So I’m going to bring it back to that ship to Themyscira: There’s a job for everyone on this ship, but if we can’t all agree on the same destination and work towards getting us there, it’s never going to happen.
So know this: I have confidence in you. I believe in you. I believe in your dreams and your ideas and your competencies. I believe you can be whatever and whomever you want to be, and I hope you believe this of yourself and others, too. If you are having trouble achieving your dreams, tell me. Tell everyone. We will help you in whatever way possible. Don’t take your eyes off the man, don’t take the bait, don’t buy his opinions. You are beautiful and smart and competent. YOU HAVE GOT THIS and we’ve got your back.
This essay first appeared as the intro to Pallas List email number 23.
The Pallas List is a bi-weekly newsletter of the Pallas Network. Our goal is to connect women one-to-one with people that can refer them to the job of their dreams. As a side benefit, we also hope to add a little motivation! If you feel so motivated, please send along any job opportunities you may have. My inbox is always open: ann@pallasnetwork.com xo — Ann
