On Her Own Terms
It’s an elision, a glossing over of the deeper questions that need asking: What societal problems are causing these women to challenge the status quo, to reject “business as usual”?
If I had to nominate something for Phrase of the Year (I’m sure that’s a thing, right?) I’d go with “On her own terms.” It’s everywhere, in seemingly every story. I have just a few tools at my disposal, but, as near as I can reckon, the phrase was included 186 times in news stories indexed by Google in 2017. Already in 2018, it has been mentioned 184 times. And over on Google Trends, the term is showing a clear trend-line upwards. That’s something. (Or maybe it’s not. I miss the tools of journalism.)
ANYWAY. Whether it is something or not — in a larger context — is kind of a moot point, because it is clearly something to me. The first time it grabbed my attention was in this article from Business of Fashion about how some direct-to-consumer brands (mostly founded or fronted by women) are making deals to sell their internet-only wares IRL in some legacy department stores. One brand, the maternity line, Hatch, brokered such a deal with Sak’s Fifth Avenue, and then, sacre bleu, cancelled the agreement (and has turned down others since), because the founder, Ariane Goldman, “never really wanted to grow the brand without that control.” Can you hear the implied “on her own terms”? I can.
You’ll also catch the phrase in nearly every story about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Stacey Abrams. And then you’ll also catch it in pieces about body positive yogi Jessamyn Stanley, Cardi B (about her pregnancy), a woman named Carol who planned her own death after being diagnosed with a terminal disease, Danica Patrick and the end of her career, Meghan Markle, author Kate Bolick who wrote a book called Spinster, and perhaps the most term-setting of women term-setters, Katherine Hepburn and how she rose again after being named “Hollywood’s most baffling question mark.”
Are you still with me? If so, hugs and kisses! I promise I’m getting there. Today, I was introduced to a new study, published in the Harvard Business Review, that says women who downplay gender differences are more successful in business. Wait one MFing moment: You wanna tell me that while the press is sitting out there, holding a magnifying glass over every woman who tries to do something “on her own terms” the actual secret to success is to focus on how similarly capable both women and men are? *head explodes* “Gender blindness … doesn’t actually mean ignoring differences. It’s about focusing on similarities but also about individuality: what makes someone unique as a person rather than what makes someone different as a woman.”
And so, to my point: “On her own terms” is lazy journalism. It’s an elision, a glossing over of the deeper questions that need asking: What societal problems are causing these women to challenge the status quo, to reject “business as usual” (and then to be swiftly and near-ruinously “punished by men who feel left out)? Why do we think women should just play “by the rules”? Why do we think women’s businesses should operate as non-profits? Why do we think that yogis should be skinny? Why do we think a woman isn’t complete until she has a child? But most importantly: How do we change the damn terms? I’m sure you’re shocked, but I have some thoughts ….
Be the change you want to see in the world. Instead of being catty at work spread positive gossip. Advocate for the women around you if you find yourself in a position of power. It may seem like the world is currently burning but I remain convinced that, with a generous dose of radical empathy, we can turn this dumpster fire around!
This essay first appeared as the intro to Pallas List email number 23.
The Pallas List is a bi-weekly newsletter of the Pallas Network. Our goal is to connect women one-to-one with people that can refer them to the job of their dreams. As a side benefit, we also hope to add a little motivation! If you feel so motivated, please send along any job opportunities you may have. My inbox is always open: ann@pallasnetwork.com xo — Ann
