a love letter to the things that have sustained us

[the things we have come to rely upon during depressive episodes]

If you are at all like we are at The Paradox Press, your life has been filled with ups and downs, trials and tribulations. In your moments of desperation — be it in your soft, or deadly states of depression, what has sustained you? Here are some of the things which have sustained us through the years:

• Nicotine. Cigarettes, vapes, zyn, gum, long-cut, who cares — yes, please! My only concern is that vape juice seems to have topped out at 5% nicotine. Why are we not pushing the government’s arbitrary line of five-percent further? And, you might be thinking, “that stuff is going to kill you!” Perhaps. But honestly, I haven’t ever even really felt my lungs lagging, even in the most intense cardio workouts, so…I think I’ll probably be just fine.
• Fruity Dino Bites. Oh my god. Fruity. Dino. Bites. Soo good. Look, I know that this is allegedly the budget variety of Fruity Pebbles, but as a serious connoisseur, I can tell you that Fruity Dino Bites is superior in every regard. First, you get more. Like, a bag the size of your pillow. I don’t care how long your depressive episodes are, these pillow-sized bags are capable of sustaining you. In fact, I once survived exclusively on fruity Dino bites for over six days. No water. No other food. Just milk, and Fruity Dino Bites. Second, it stays crispy longer. Fruity pebbles become mush in seconds. Finally, the flavor is superior. So thank you, Malt o’ Meal, for this glorious gift you provide. I promise I haven’t forgotten, even if I have stopped purchasing. It is not that I don’t love you. I’m just doing a bit better, at the moment. But I may need you again someday soon, so please stay on the shelves.
• Yebba, for her album Dawn, in which she processes the loss of her mother. I’ve luckily still got my parents around, so cannot directly relate — however, the passion and soul that she poured into that album, along with other tracks like my mind, were able to break through my emotional fortress; which had me in the grips of an emotionless, despondent state. I started crying around track two and didn’t finish until track six. At the time, I hand wrote her a thank you letter and sent it to her agent. The only time I have ever done such a thing. I wonder if she ever got it.
• McConnell’s salted caramel chip ice cream. Yes, it’s pretty much like twice as expensive as Häagen Dazs, but honestly, it’s also twice as good. I’ve fallen asleep next to a mostly full pint before and can report that drinking the melted ice cream the morning after is equally as pleasurable as getting to it while it is still frozen.
• Apple headphones — yep, I realize this is pretty lame. But, when the phone feels heavy — both metaphorically, and depending on exactly how bad of shape I’m in at any given moment, physically as well, I have found myself capable of placing calls while lying on the couch with my AirPods in that I would not otherwise have made, were I forced to hold the damned thing up to my ear.
• Snowboarding. Which is basically a hike through the snowy Sierra Mountains where you… like….don’t have to hike. Perrrrfect.
• GT’s Gingerade Kombucha. I know some of you prickly pears may have feelings about this, but calm the f*ck down. It has trace amounts of alcohol in it. I’ve drunk a gallon of kombucha in one sitting before and can tell you that it would not even intoxicate a mouse. That said, something about the ginger, and the probiotics give you a little happy buzzy feeling in your tummy that is just fantastic.
• The possibility of a future with Her. This is the thing that continues to sustain.
• Musical theater. Many people have probably glanced in their rearview, or straight-head-turned to look at me singing my vocal cords bloody while driving. Honestly, I could probably list you fifteen musicals that I know word-for-word, and can sing through in their entirety. But, let’s just go with the top three. Wait. F*ck this is hard. Well, Phantom of the Opera was my entry into musicals, so it’s gotta be on the list. Hamilton, which I got to see in the fourth row, center stage, because of a gift from Her. Les Miserables, has to be number three because of Anne Hathaway, who absolutely murdered her part, and drew our attention away from the travesty which was Russel Crowe. And screw it, I can’t stop at three — so, tied for the fourth place would be Wicked, Rent, and Dear Evan Hansen.
• The Vault Artist’s Community in Long Beach, which allowed me, for the first time in my life, to feel like an artist. As is par for my course, I left this community with my tail between my legs, and straw up my nose. But, I probably would have offed myself during this particular year of addiction if it weren’t for Roark, my neighbors Dounya and Justin, and of course, Her.
• My cats. Yes, unfortunately, that is cat-(s) plural. Kimbra was my first love. And a big-ups and rest easy to her fat brother Shorty. The latest is the stray Sihaya, a name taken from Frank Herbert’s Dune. The fiercest little b*tch you’ll ever meet. Simply misunderstood, she is.

That’s enough for now. But I’d love to know, what are the things which have sustained you through the years?