how to acquire drugs in a new city

[pay attention, kids]

Disclaimer: please don’t do any of this. If you could see the absolute dumpster fire that such decisions turned my life into, you would know that following my life’s choices would be somewhere in the top three dumbest things you could possibly do. Seriously. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter, because if you are at all like me, you wouldn’t listen anyways.

Addict or not — you may find yourself in a place where you are determined to locate one of your favorite substances in a new city. There are going to be times when you need to find powder for a party in Portland, or a benzo for a bus out of Baltimore. It’s going to happen.

I’d much rather you learn from the many, many errors I’ve made over the years, so that you are better equipped to escape many of the near death experiences that adventures like this often ended in when I was still green. We’ll call it harm reduction; just to keep my filthy conscience clear of more sh*t. Plus, whats the point of having extensive knowledge in an ultra-specific arena if you aren’t going to share it with a fellow degenerate?

So, here are some simple tricks and tips you can follow to lower your chances of getting arrested, robbed and/or stabbed in the pursuit of drugs in a new city from a ‘probably’, to only a ‘slight possibility’:

1. I know your friends have told you that you can buy drugs off Craigslist. But your friends were wrong. You can buy fake drugs off Craigslist. You can get set up for a controlled buy on Craigslist. But, you can’t buy real drugs of any decent quality off Craigslist anymore. That goes for OfferUp, LetGo, Facebook Marketplace and the likes as well.
2. There is one app that is worth its weight in gold though. A very well kept secret, so I hope its users don’t show up on my doorstep for outing them. It’s a rave-oriented app which is completely unknown and unmolested by law enforcement, and is a Mecca where people openly advertise their….services. And admittedly I’m not going to make this super easy on you by just giving you the name. But, you just search the city you are in, and will know you’re in the right place if you see some sh*t like “PORTLAND EDM RAVERS AND FURRY LOVERS UNITE” — I know it sounds weird, but just check it out. Open the chat, and say something like “Sry for the new acct; new phone and forgot my login. Anyone of you f*ckers have a 🔌 for ❄️?” (they are very suspicious of any freshly minted accounts trying to acquire substances) Then move on to the next chat in the search results. Do this three times and wait thirty minutes. Don’t post on eighteen chats all at once — people will assume you are L.E. and the red flags will be raised. Be patient, people will respond. It’s a very active community.
3. The best course of action is of course to plan ahead. That said, I am aware that not everyone is as open as I am to putting large quantities of controlled substances into their carry-on luggage. So, lets discuss another way of getting things to another city. The dark web isn’t the scary place its made out to be. Download TOR browser. Acquire some BTC. Go to your favorite darknet market. Buy a product, and put the shipping address as whatever hotel you are staying at (or friend’s house, if you don’t mind them being slightly upset after-the-fact). Should be in the format of “_____ Hotel, C/O Guest John Hamilton” — then call the hotel and tell them that you are staying there in a week on business, and had to send some marketing materials ahead of you, so if they could just hold it and furnish it to you upon check in, that would be fantastic. This happens all the time — I used to work in hotels, so I would know. Just make sure to tip your front desk person once all goes smoothly.
4. Depending on the substance you are looking for, homeless people can be a great resource. But like three whole pages could be filled regarding all the intricacies you must have knowledge of to truly make a homeless drug deal go smoothly. And I know nobody wants to read those three pages, so let me at least give you the main points:

• You need to have the ability to at least make yourself look like a scrub with no or very little money. So basically if you look at all like me, just walk out of your house as yourself — no need to appear any different. To the rest of you, change clothes, yes, but theres no need to get your makeup kits out — you don’t need to look homeless. You just need to not look like a lick; a gullible guy or gal with money pouring outta their wallet and a nice set of car keys in their pocket.
• Never pull up in your car, unless you’ve got a hooptie on hand. Anything newer than a 2003 needs to be parked at least two blocks away from the homeless people you’ve identified. And then you need to walk up.
• Which brings me to my next point: You are looking for homeless people in their 20’s for the most part. Maybe early 30’s. People who look otherwise able-bodied and relatively sane. This usually means that addiction has them on the street, non mental illness, so they will be more capable of helping you in your pursuit.
• When approaching a twenty or thirty-something homeless person, you’re going to need at least a few slang terms for the substance you seek memorized and in your pocket. I trust you have a couple, considering you are looking for the stuff. But if you don’t, arm yourselves with some. Make sure they aren’t fifteen year old terms, and don’t try to call cocaine ‘Lindsey Lohan’ or worse, ‘Snow White’. Nobody in your target age range will have any idea wtf you are talking about. Just go with ‘blow’ or ‘yay’ like a normal person.
• The slang isn’t as important as the approach is though. Let us first address fear. So now that you’ve got your hopefully-not-too-shabby-chic, but rather just shabby clothing on and are walking up, you’re likely scared. There’s no need to be. Nobody is going to stab you for asking. Homeless people aren’t serial killers. In fact, its far more likely that your neighbor with the impossibly green lawn is the one killing all those cheerleaders. The worst a homeless person is going to do is say no, or potentially close-talk their way into a violation of your personal space that you may have to pull the ripcord over.
• Second, you need to prove you aren’t a cop. No, this doesn’t mean showing track marks or putting a fat line up your nose in front of them. If they are sitting, casually sit down five feet away from them. Don’t talk to a sitting homeless person while standing. Get on their level. Cops are too arrogant to do this for the most part. Next, it’s important to know that a cop is usually going to say something blatantly obvious along the lines of “hey do you know anywhere I can get some coke?” — like uhhhh no, pal. This kind of straight out language will get you a “no” every time. Instead, your approach needs to start with a “what up” and then finish with one of the following:
• You good?
• You on deck?
• You holding?
• You on?
• You got it?
• You got a connect?
• Anything along those lines should work just fine. You need not mention the substance you require up front. You just need to have them not turn you away immediately. Once engaged in the slightly cagey conversation which will follow, this is the time to move in with your newly acquired slang.
• Never let a homeless person out of your sight with your money. If it’s “ya I got you — give me the money I just need to walk around the corner and get it” — the response is “no offense but I’ve just done that too many times and had it go wrong. I’m down to walk there with you, and obviously I understand if the connect only wants to deal with you, but I just can’t let the money out of my sight.”
• You’re also going to want to let the homeless person know that you intend on “helping them out” for the favor. Just say something like “look, I need quality shit. If you can find me decent quality, I’ll help you out with ($20-$40), and I will be back and get you tomorrow as well if you can help me then too”
• This is important, as you need to establish that there is good reason to not f*ck you over in this specific situation, because you’ll be a regular source of $20-$40 a day for them if they are able to get you what you are looking for. Say this even if you have no intention of returning. God will forgive you if you genuinely ask at whatever latter date you decide to finally clean up your act. At least, I’m pretty sure he/her/it/them will. Can’t be sure.
• Lastly, if you have multiple friends who are drawing straws to be the one to approach a homeless person, your instinct might tell you to send the biggest, bulkiest dude as they would be most able to defend themselves. But, this would be a mistake. You want to send the skinniest f*cker you’ve got on your roster. Junkies and drug users are not frequent guests at the gym. They are typically a pretty pale and skinny bunch. They are likely to assume that anyone well-built is a cop, or at least are more likely to assume that. So, basically just send your most-torn-up mate out there….as long as they don’t have a mustache.
• And thats about the extent of the cliff-notated primer of buying drugs from homeless folks. Oh, and if you are just looking for pot, scrap all the cloak and dagger shit in my previous points, stop being a pansy, and just go ask like literally any dude on the street like a regular person.

5. There is a reason this one is in last position, because it's the most dangerous. But, all that I mentioned in the homeless section can be directly translated to buying drugs at your local seedy motel. However, these motel dwellers are without doubt more dangerous than your average homeless person, or even your lawn-obsessed neighbor. That’s because many of them sell drugs, and everybody knows it. They know their doors are prime-time targets to be kicked through by any local junkie with a pair of boots on. So they typically arm themselves. Seriously. And many of the people who populate these places are in gnarly meth psychoses. So tread carefully here. This is the last resort.

I’ll finish by making sure you all know that these tips are very much United States specific. Please do not attempt to buy drugs in a foreign country and then write me angry letters from the Gulag. I won’t respond…because you were warned.