How “Good Listening” Helps You Connect with the World

We listen for many reasons. We may want to learn something or gain information. We may want to influence someone. And we may listen to connect and develop a relationship.

How well we listen determines how rapidly we can build a relationship. The better the listening, the faster a bond develops. And once you have an established relationship, expert listening between the two partners can really cement your connection.

The problem is that we are not trained to listen.

In an article published in the Harvard Business Review, the researchers Ralph Nichols and Leonard Stevens assert that: “… with practically no qualification, people in general do not know how to listen. They have ears that hear very well, but seldom have they acquired the necessary aural skills which would allow those ears to be used effectively for what is called listening.”

According to Listen.org, we can think approximately 10 times as fast as we can listen, so the self-talk in our mind occupies most of our attention. We listen only 25% of the time when we should be listening 100%. Our immediate recall of the information we learn is only about 50% and in the long term we only remember 20%. That’s our challenge.

Listening, like playing a sport, is a learned skill. It is worth developing because conversation becomes much more powerful and bonding when each party feels listened to. And listening is not a one-way street: to form a true connection, each of you must take turns being the speaker and the listener.

Good Listening Will Strengthen Your Relationships

Writing in Psychology Today, the Psychologist Diana Raab states:

“The importance of listening in interpersonal relationships cannot be overemphasized. One study showed that there are two different types of listening: ‘listening to understand’ and ‘listening to respond. Those who listen to understand have greater satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships than others. While people may think they might be listening to understand, what they’re really doing is waiting to respond.”

Being listened to is a rare experience for most people. It feels good. Being listened to by a sincerely interested listener makes you feel more interesting and important. In turn, the person listening to you becomes more interesting to you. Your relationship gets stronger.

You can verify this for yourself. Just sit down with somebody who would be happy to listen to you, without interrupting, until you have said everything you wanted to say. Examine how you feel afterwards. You may be surprised!

Good Listening Enables Better Understanding

What does it mean to understand another person? I believe it hinges on knowing how that person makes meaning of his or her world. We normally rely on the spoken words we hear as the key to understanding the person with whom we are speaking.

Although the words are indeed important, psychologists tell us that the words are a very small part of the total communication that is occurring.

When two people speak, they each put forth and receive a flood of verbal and non-verbal information. By decoding this deluge of information, they will gain deep insights about each other. They can then use this information to either form a deep connection or move on. The skill set this requires is called “sensory acuity.”

A Metaprogram is a pattern of thought that determines what information a person takes in and what information they screen out. Each of us has numerous metaprograms. If I understand your metaprogram choices, I can communicate with you more effectively. Here are a few examples among hundreds of metaprograms we use:

Do you see life as a glass half full or half empty?

And when you make a decision, do you first look inside to know what to do or do you ask others for advice?

When you are learning something new, do you prefer to focus on the details first or on the big picture?

The Benefits of Passive listening

When you listen passively, you essentially sit back and listen without commenting. You will experience the pleasure of being silent. The spotlight is brilliantly illuminating the speaker, while you listen in the dark.

When you turn your focus to the other person and stop constructing responses in your mind, you can be wholly present. Even though you will have a multitude of thoughts and feelings, you must remember that your focus now is on the other person.

If after listening for a few moments you become impatient to respond, because you think that you know what he or she is going to say, you break in with your suggestion or comment. This destroys the connection.

Wait to respond until the speaker finishes his/her thought, however long it takes. Fight the urge to interrupt with your comment. Wait until asked to give your opinion. It may take a while, but you will build a powerful connection in the end.

While listening, you may experience your thoughts drifting. This is normal and natural. However, you should file away these thoughts and feelings for later consideration. Perhaps you’ll want to share them, and perhaps you will not. You have a choice. Just remember that while you are listening intently, you should be consistently refocusing on the speaker.

Passive listening is simply giving your full attention to someone, without responding.

The Benefits of Active Listening

A much more effective technique is to feed back the speaker’s words and ideas. For example, you might say, “I agree with you. (fill in) is very important in a relationship.” You may also respond with gestures, such as nodding your head,

Becoming an effective active listener requires that you acquire a new skill set. You cannot listen to someone speak without other thoughts going through your mind, including judgments and free associations that may or may not be relevant.

Your task as a listener is to reel yourself back in and focus your attention on the speaker. All the while you must be aware that these thoughts and images are fodder for your thinking.

Remember that quite a lot is going on when you’re listening to someone speak. Although it is difficult to do, practice being non-judgmental, especially when you disagree with what you are hearing. If periods of silence arise during the conversation, strive to be comfortable with this and not jump in to fill the void.