The Most Important Question You Can Ask

On a May morning a few years ago, I walked out of the YMCA and said to a man standing nearby, “What a beautiful morning!” He smiled and said, “Every morning that I’m at the YMCA is a beautiful morning!” I was surprised. Just a few words and we had created an immediate rapport.

The dictionary defines “rapport” as a close and harmonious relationship in which people understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well. Over eons, we’ve developed subconscious techniques for connecting with other people. Without conscious thought, we mirror their spoken words and body language. And when we fully listen, we achieve a level of rapport.

About a week before this chance meeting, a colleague told me about a question he claimed could establish rapport very quickly. I decided to try it. Back at the YMCA I asked another member,

“I’m curious, what’s most important to you?”

He thought for a moment, then said, “That’s a really great question. I’ll tell you what’s most important to me. At 76 It’s being able to get up every morning, drive to the YMCA and connect with people I’ve grown to love over the years. We catch up for a few moments and then get to work on the machines.”

I immediately agreed. “Getting up in the morning and going to a place where you know you will meet friends whom you have come to love is very important. And I wonder, what’s important to you about seeing these friends?”

Without hesitating, he explained that, “I’m able to tell them things that are happening in my life and listen to things that they have to say about their lives. I feel very close to them when that happens.”

He was speaking freely now, so I continued. “What else is important?”

“I build beautiful sailboats,” he replied. “People who buy my boats have wonderful times sailing with their families on Long Island sound in a sailboat that I built with love and care. That makes me feel so good!”

Then he added, “You know, I want to tell you that I feel like I’ve just made a new friend! Come visit me in my shipyard. I’ll show you how I build a sailboat. Here’s my card.” I smiled and told him I would stop by soon.

Back in my car, I sat for a few seconds, thinking about what had just happened. I was surprised that after less than a minute of conversation, he considered me as his new friend. And I felt the same about him.

In the following month, I asked this question of a half dozen strangers. In every case, each said some variant of “That’s a great question!” They all expressed that they felt a bond with me as a result of our one-minute conversation.

At some point I began to reciprocate, telling each person of whom I asked the question what my values were. In every case we had a spirited conversation and felt close to one another.

How to Build Immediate Rapport

1. Start by saying, “I’m curious. What’s most important to you?”

2. When you get an answer, say “I agree, such and such is really important.” Do not summarize their words but feed them back in the same language they used.

3. Then ask them, “And what else is important to you?”

4. Repeat this process until you have d learned at least two of their values and their order of importance.

5. Ask if they would like to know what’s most important to you. Show them how to elicit your values. If they come to understand you as well as you understand them, you have the basis for a relationship.

Ask a friend or relative if they would be willing to have a brief conversation with you. Go through the steps described above. This is critical: you must wait patiently for the person to finish each answer, no matter how long it takes. Don’t interrupt them or rush to the next part of the exercise.

Also remember not to paraphrase when feeding back what they just said. Repeat their exact words as accurately as you can.

When they have finished speaking, respond with follow-up questions. Either ask “What’s most important about that?” Or “And what else is important to you?” Then sit back and wait for the other person to speak.

You should thank them for going through this exercise and talk about yourself and your values. Also notice how you feel about this person as a result of your interaction. They may tell you how they feel about you. When I asked the question, nearly every person told me they felt closer to me.

The Benefits of Creating Rapport

We are all social animals. Our happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment are the outcomes of the authentic connections we make with other people. Rapport enables us to make those connections, to build new and often lasting relationships quickly and easily.

Rapport connects business people with their clients, teachers with their students, politicians with their constituencies, speakers with their audience. Building rapport is also critical in creating deeper and more sustainable relationships with our friends and family. Without rapport, nothing happens. With it, the wheels immediately begin to turn.

If you think of communication as a relationship engine, then the fastest way to jump start that engine is by posing the question, “What’s Important to You?” When you do, you will be amazed by the positive response you will engender.