You Don’t Need to Be a Zen Master to Gentle Parent
Why the all or nothing approach to parenting makes you a worse parent
Often moms tell me, “I think it’s amazing that you are able to gentle parent. I love that approach, I just could never do it because I am not Zen like you, I just lose it.”
Well, let me tell you a secret (that is not actually a secret at all). I am not a Zen person. I scream at my son sometimes. I lose my temper. I am not a perfect parent at all.
I am not proud of it, not one bit. I strongly believe that no child should be screamed at and I definitely don’t want to scream at my son, the person I love the most in the whole world.
And I am also a parent educator, so you might think, “why are you saying this then? How can you be teaching positive parenting if you scream at your child?”
And I tell you why. Because there are no perfect parents and all parents in the whole world screw up their kids somehow. Why? Because parents are humans and by definition imperfect.
And the reason I share so openly that I make mistakes as a mom is because I believe this image and goal of perfect parenting that we see all over social media is very detrimental to parents, children, and family relationships.
Your parents weren’t perfect and you will never be perfect yourself as a parent because THERE ARE NO PERFECT PARENTS! And the sooner we come to terms with this, the sooner we can work on doing the best we can.
Because when we are swallowed in guilt, feeling sorry for ourselves, and catastrophizing how awful our kids will turn out because of us, we are not working on making amends. And that is such an important skill to teach our children.
So next time you are feeling like a bad mom because you screamed at your kid or you weren’t perfect and now you’re thinking about all the ways you are affecting your child…. Stop! Take a deep breath and say to yourself, “I made a mistake because I am human and I didn’t become super-human just because I became a mom. Being a mom is really really hard and anyone in my position would be feeling overwhelmed right now. I am human. I have feelings. My feelings are normal and there are probably thousands of moms across the world feeling what I am feeling at this exact same moment.” Hug yourself, take a deep breath and this will help you self-regulate.
Once you are able to access the rational part of your brain, remember that it’s not about being a perfect mom, it’s about doing the best you can 51% of the time. Now get up and go apologize to your child.
Explain to your child that you screamed (or whatever else you did) and that it was wrong. Do not justify why you did it because when we blame other people for our actions, it’s no longer an apology, is it? Instead, explain that your outburst has nothing to do with your child, it happened because you were unable to self-regulate because you were mad. And explain that being mad is normal and that all people get mad sometimes, even moms. But that it’s never ok to scream at someone and that they don’t deserve to be screamed at ever by anyone. Explain that it was wrong and that you are sorry.
I promise you, you will go to bed feeling better and your child will have learned so many important lessons:
- That everyone makes mistakes, even moms, and that it’s normal to make mistakes, they also don’t need to try and be perfect.
- That when we make a mistake we make amends.
- That mommy loves them even when she’s mad.
- That mommy was mad because mommy had a hard time self-regulating, not because they are bad kids.
So in that small moment of connection, you changed the way you felt, you changed the way your child felt and you made the bond between you two even stronger.
When we stop trying to be perfect parents and instead focus on modelling imperfection to our children, we in fact become much closer to being the parents we long to be.
Bio:
Cristina is a mom of a Preschooler and a Positive Discipline Educator focused on early childhood as well as the founder of Changing Parenting.
Join her free community for parents of children aged 3 to 6: https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentsofpreschoolers.changingparenting/
