Political Satire

Trump Drafts Unemployed TikTok Stars for Panama Canal Takeover

What else do they have to do, says Trump

WASHINGTON — Forget storming the beaches of Normandy. The new frontline in President Trump’s latest military escapade? The comment section of a particularly spicy Panamanian pupusa review. Faced with a critical shortage of personnel for his planned “reclamation” of the Panama Canal, President Trump has turned to an unlikely pool of recruits: unemployed TikTok influencers.

Following the Supreme Court’s upholding of a TikTok ban, millions of content creators found themselves adrift in a sea of algorithm-less despair. Seeing an opportunity to simultaneously solve two “national crises,” Trump unveiled his new initiative: “Operation: Canal Capers.”

The plan, as described by a White House spokesperson (between bites of a Big Mac), is to deploy battalions of beauty gurus, dance-fluencers, and DIY dads to Panama. Their mission? Not armed combat, but content combat.

“These young patriots,” Trump declared at a recent rally (held in the parking lot of a Mar-a-Lago-adjacent Taco Bell), “will flood the internet with pro-American, pro-canal content. We’re talking viral dances about dredging, lip-sync battles about lock systems, and ASMR videos of treaty…