Asshole Astrology
Horoscopes for horrible people
Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
Everybody knows that astrologers are basically assholes with too much time on their hands and most horoscope writers are failed writers and barely functioning alcoholics.
I mean that in a good way.
As for you being a horrible person — don’t worry, I’m sure that you’re lovely.
Aquarius: You’re being chased by a swarm of angry bees. Luckily they’re far away so if you keep going they won’t be able to catch up with you. Still, remember to be kind to bees — it’s not their fault that they’re angry. We’ve totally screwed them over. Don’t be a dick about it.
Pisces: Some days you’re the mouse. Other days you’re the cheese. This week you’re mostly a mouse made out of cheese being chased by a great big cat who’s lactose intolerant. Who or what is the cat…
