Empathy: The Key to Thriving Relationships and 6 Elements for Success
By Jorge Valenzuela
“Relationships are the most important thing in life, yet often the most challenging!”
Today for many people, the world often seems divided and disconnected. Many of our relationships are also fragmented, causing us pain and uncertainty about navigating and nurturing them appropriately. Luckily research shows that there’s science that supports fostering successful relationships. We just have to want to learn how.
In relationships, many of us desire connection, recognition, acceptance, and respect, with a seat at the right tables. However, in our pursuits for happiness, we may focus inward and overlook the opportunity to connect and grow with others.
Often when I ask my workshop participants what’s the prerequisite for successful relationships, I hear standard responses like “good communication” and “respect.” No doubt they are essential for maintaining good relationships, but what causes us to communicate effectively with someone we respect or do not respect? I believe showing empathy towards others is the secret to successful relationships and is critical in maintaining strong connections with both friends and professional acquaintances.
Furthermore, empathy is a powerful tool that helps us navigate human interactions with kindness, compassion, and reciprocation by understanding and sharing in their feelings. Embracing empathy as a guiding principle can help us develop deeper harmonious connections and a thriving environment for relationships to flourish. Empathy can be used to set fertile conditions for our relationships — especially the ones we cherish most.
Key Consideration before Continuing: Cultivating empathy towards others doesn’t guarantee they’ll do the same for you. Not everyone we love excels at relationships — nor do all our colleagues and acquaintances.
To help you develop and sustain more empathic relationships, use the following tool and framework.
Deepen Connection Through Empathy Mapping
Don’t confuse empathy with sympathy. Sympathy is to feel sorry for someone or their circumstance. And although that’s not a bad thing, sympathy does very little to improve someone’s situation or our relationship with them. Empathy is all about perspective-taking for validating and honoring the experiences of others — meaning we try to understand how they feel.
Some time ago, I struggled to understand my wife’s perspective during a recurring disagreement. I hit a brick wall regarding our communication and needed something easy to implement. I turned to a tool known as an empathy map, which I had previously adapted from the business world.
As you can see, my iteration of the empathy map has the following four quadrants, which I fill in the blanks for whomever I’m attempting to empathize with:
- What I heard _____ say.
- What I saw _____ do.
- What I think _____ thinks.
- What I think _____ feels.
The tool can make understanding someone’s thoughts and feelings easier by paying attention closely to their words and actions. For example, the disagreement between my wife and I was one we couldn’t solve quickly. When things got really tense, I heard her say, “You don’t listen to me!” and I saw her retreat into another space in the house. Zooming out and just focusing on what she said and did put me in a better position to understand her thoughts and feelings. Using the tool didn’t lead to perfect results, but it helped raise my empathy levels for her and improved my communication.
Check out the completed empathy map below.
6 Elements for Building Empathetic Relationships
The previous section establishes empathy as a prerequisite for thriving relationships and provides a quick tool for helping us empathize with many of the people in our lives. Now that we know the value of empathy, how can we intentionally create the personal and professional empathetic relationships we desire? I have tried to figure this out for years, as do many of my coaching clients. I’ve made some personal strides and am covering this topic to help.
Podcasting allows me to learn from other educators, and in a recent episode with educator Phil Bristol, we discussed the importance of cultivating lifelong relationships. I have known Phil for over 20 years and have always respected his ability to foster long-lasting and meaningful relationships. He’s 47 years old, and some of his closest friends are from elementary school. He is also married to his college sweetheart and is a terrific father.
After listening closely to Phil’s journey and doing some of my own research, here’s an illustration of the framework we arrived at.
Element 1: Effective Communication
A pillar of empathetic relationships is good communication. Effective communication in relationships ensures that both the sender and receiver feel heard and understood. Here are some tools and strategies for fostering it:
- To ensure that everyone shows up at their best, it is important to establish mutually shared agreements on what is needed from each other.
- Speak from the heart but be open to feedback when our words offend others and break the community.
- Engage in active listening from the heart and without judgment. This is difficult to do when emotions run high. At times it’s best to table discussions for later.
- Engage in dialogue, not monologue.
- Set aside time to talk regularly and make sure to check in with each other often.
Element 2: Trust
Trust is believing that someone or something is good, safe, reliable, and truthful and will not harm you. When it comes to people, having trust is essential in relationships and can be the glue that holds them together. Understand that for some of the people we interact with, it can take time to build their trust and quickly be shattered.
Some ways you can be diligent in establishing and maintaining trust with others may include:
- Using empathy to build trust.
- Avoid trusting others blindly. Instead, allow them to earn your trust.
- Be reliable and consistent in your actions and words.
- Avoid breaking promises or commitments.
- Promptly apologize and change your behavior when you come up short.
Element 3: Shared Values
It’s essential to have shared values in any relationship, be it professional, friendship, romantic partnership, or with family. Therapist Dr. Gary Brown explains shared values refer to core beliefs that parties in relationships share regarding fundamental ideas about life and relationships. For example, a successful couple may have shared values encompassing faith, marriage, family, children and conflict resolution. A thriving friendship may have shared values around fun, companionship, fashion, dining and common sports teams.
Partners, families and colleagues can begin to align their values by doing the following:
- Finding common ground when it seems impossible.
- Taking time to discuss their values and beliefs with each other to strive for consensus. I like to use this “Getting to Know You Wheel” in my workshops.
- Creating understanding of each other’s perspectives and using empathy to connect on a deeper level.
Element 4: Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in defining what is expected within relationships. Various types should be set accordingly in our different relationships. That’s why knowing and communicating our intentions are important. For example, I seek love, companionship, and community in my personal relationships. In my professional relationships, I aim to accomplish my professional goals and assist others in achieving theirs. Understanding my intentions helps me set limits on using my time, energy, resources, and emotions. In relationships with blurred boundaries, there can be emotional chaos — especially when one of the parties doesn’t understand where personal and professional boundaries begin and end.
Furthermore, healthy relationship dynamics can be formed when all parties agree to respect each other’s boundaries. Doing so enables everyone to comprehend the expectations and limitations of the relationship as well as prevent unnecessary misunderstandings and conflicts. Here are some helpful tips for boundary setting:
- Not everyone appreciates boundaries — still set yours.
- Not everyone is comfortable expressing their boundaries. Use your empathy skills to understand them better.
- Convey your boundaries politely and respect those of others.
Element 5: Forgiveness
No relationship is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes, we will offend someone or be offended. Forgiveness can be an action or the process of letting go of resentment and anger, depending on the gravity of an offense. I don’t think anyone should tell anyone how or when to forgive. My life experiences have taught me that forgiving others is best for our own well-being in the long run.
In empathizing with others, it’s essential to understand that forgiveness or granting others grace isn’t easy for everyone. But learning to forgive is necessary for sustaining strong relationships. Here are some items to consider:
- Be willing to apologize and make amends when you’ve done something wrong. Find appropriate steps for apologizing at this link.
- Offer forgiveness when someone has made a mistake.
- Accept the apologies you deserve but don’t receive.
Element 6: Having Fun
All work and no play isn’t good for strong relationships or our health, so be intentional about making time to have fun! According to a survey conducted by the American Psychological Association in 2022, 76% of adults claimed that stress related to politics, racial tensions, violence, and inflation had impacted their overall health and well-being. Their stresses resulted in various physical and mental issues, including headaches, fatigue, depression and anxiety. For those of us struggling with any of these issues, we don’t have to go at it alone—our relationships can provide comfort.
Here are some ways to have fun in our personal and professional circles:
- Enjoy people’s company and create new memories to strengthen bonds.
- Celebrate the successes of your friends, families and colleagues.
- Travel together when possible.
- Find activities everyone enjoys and make time to do them regularly.
- Engage in lighthearted and playful activities, such as game nights, movie marathons, or outdoor adventures, to create moments of laughter and joy.
The Framework Tweaked for Professional Settings
One of my coaching clients suggested swapping out “Forgiveness” for “Grace” and “Having Fun” for “Celebrating Team Wins.” See below.
Empathy Unlocked: Forge Deeper Connections for Lasting Relationships
I hope you find the empathy map and framework in this article helpful as you navigate the complexities of your many relationships with empathy, patience, and understanding. Relationships are hard, but they’re the most important thing in life.
I sincerely thank my friend Phil Bristol for inspiring me in this direction. And special thanks to Dr. Crystal Caballero for helping to tweak the framework.
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Jorge Valenzuela is the lead education coach at Lifelong Learning Defined.
You can connect with Jorge @JorgeDoesPBL via Twitter and Instagram to continue the conversation.
