Newspaper Headlines from the 2000's I Wrote Down for Some Reason

Test Your Hurricane IQ

Cheerleader Chant Helps Cops Nab Suspect

Racing Legend Stung By 200 Bees

Men Relieve Stress Through Mystical Tales

Hanging Suicide Mistaken for Halloween Decoration

Italy’s Youth Caught in Grip of TV Wrestling

Neil Young Calls for Bush Impeachment

Baby’s Hand Severed at Chocolate Factory

Bears Eat Monkey in Front of Zoo Visitors

Beauty Queen Off to Iraq

Scientists Discover Spiders That Snuggle

Keanu Reeves Grazes Photographer with Car

Man on Cream of Wheat Box Finally Gets Tombstone

Wonder Woman Finds Dead Body

Ryan Seacrest Bitten By Shark

Six Legged Deer Recovering After Dog Attack

Fan Distracts Quarterback with Laser

Woman Wants Web Cam Installed in Prosthetic Eye

Swordsman Killed at Scientology Center

Vandals Set 15 Kangaroos Loose in French Theme Park

Man Slashes Auctioneer’s Throat with Knife

Toolbag Lost in Space Meets Fiery End in Atmosphere

8 Foot 1 Turkish Farmer Hopes Guinness World Record Will Finally Bring Him Love

Hundreds of Scholars Gather to Study Bruce Springsteen

The Burger That Shattered Her Life

I-Phones Attacked by Rick Astley Virus

Boy Playing Football Tackled by Deer

Man Returns Book He Stole from Hitler

Invertebrate’s Sophisticated Use of Coconuts Excites Researchers

Choir to Honor Teacher Killed in Horse Accident

Islamic Extremist Unleashes on Triscuits

Ricky Martin: I Am a Fortunate Homosexual Man

Mark Russell is the author of God Is Disappointed in You, published by Top Shelf Productions and available at fine bookstores everywhere.