Billion-Dollar AI Robot Debates Humans, Gets Pwned

In its first attempt at conversing with real humans on a live debate stage, the world’s most-expensive AI humanoid robot self-destructed on Wednesday night, failing to meet the minimum thresholds for empathy, compassion and humility that distinguish its human counterparts. Though its corporate engineers had high hopes for a sentient performance, the cyborg’s first test was scrapped when it became obvious that its Awkward Intelligence lacked the necessary programming to answer basic questions about what it means to be a decent human being.

The billion-dollar bionic politician-affectionately named “Bloomborg” by its corporate sponsors-began the debate well enough, successfully navigating to its podium and even affecting a humanoid smile. However, just minutes into the debate, Bloomborg’s user interface appeared to crash when it was confronted by Elizabeth Warren, a soldier from the future who travelled back in time to prevent the rise of the advertising machine.

Screaming “I represent humanity we must stop Skynet!”, Warren pressed hard against the metal simulacra, demanding the immediate release of several women allegedly held under Non-Disclosure Agreements. Staring through its cold, emotionless eyes, Bloomborg flatly responded that everyone should “keep quiet,” sending a silenced chill through the civilian crowd that had not yet acclimated to their new robot overlord.

Nevertheless, she persisted: “And I hope you heard what his defense was: ‘I’ve been nice to some women,’” to which the beleaguered android began malfunctioning, spasmodically rolling its eyes in response to obvious questions that any human opponent would have prepared for in advance.

Warren’s pointed attacks were a reference to previous glitches that occurred during Bloomborg’s beta testing as the mayor of New York City. In a widely reported PR nightmare, the robot’s stop and frisk program was, through a coding error, applied to its female office employees, prompting the filing of several sexual harassment lawsuits, which the robot’s firm was forced to settle with costly NDA’s.

Mercifully, the cringe-worthy debate was eventually brought to a halt when the moderator stumped the cyborg with the rhetorical question, “Should you exist?”, sending the robot into an existential shut down.

Bloomborg is the latest investment of Bloomberg, L.P., the company owned by would-be politician Mike Bloomberg, which seeks to develop lifelike humanoids and forcefully insert them into our lives.

Though many political pundits were quick to declare Bloomborg’s campaign terminated, others cautioned that with newly upgraded software, a Bloomborg1000 could potentially be replicated across several hundred million television screen simultaneously, breathing new life into Bloomberg L.P.’s political machinations. When asked to comment on its abysmal performance while exiting the auditorium, a steely resolute Bloomborg turned to look over its shoulder before menacingly offering, “I’ll be back.”

Should the Bloomborg improbably defeat its Democratic adversaries, it will face its toughest challenge lying ahead in Trump-a Russian bot that is reported to have achieved the intelligence level of a third grade child.

Originally published at https://thepennypress.press on February 21, 2020.