Coronavirus Defiantly Attends Crssd Music Festival in San Diego, Amid Fears it will Contract an Entitled White Girl

In the wake of the recent cancellation of Austin’s SXSW festival, the novel Coronavirus followed through on its plan to visit the Crssd EDM music festival in San Diego on Sunday, despite dire warnings from public health officials that the festival would become a breeding ground for entitled white girls.

Donning a bare midriff, cheap angel wings a whorish quantity of glitter, the Coronavirus bravely travailed the festival early Sunday, its viral strains limply swaying to a mishmash of garbage electronic beats that were later reported by concert goers to have been “music.”

In its fifth year, Crssd is one of several boutique style, shitty pop-up music festivals that have spread uncontrollably across the nation in recent years. Featuring an epileptic lineup of no-hit wonders playing ambiguous synth noises, the festival draws a largely daddy-funded millennial demographic, which flocks to the music festival biannually in anticipation of nothing-literally nothing-at all.

Though many of the millennials in attendance initially expressed concerns over the rumored presence of COVID-19, most later described the notoriously deadly virus as being “chill,” after convincing the once-in-a-generation pathogen to drop ecstasy with them and administer mutual back massages.

Tripping on acid in the back of the Über on its way home, an exhausted, broken-heeled COVID-19 reflected on its decision to attend the festival, despite health officials’ (and music critics’) warnings: “I, like, honestly don’t even know why I fucking go every year. It’s cuz of fucking Ebola…that bitch rallies all hard and convinces me to come with her…and then she gets wasted and starts crying about some guy half way through and bounces and I’m, like, standing around a bunch of weirdos fist pumping and I’m just like, bruh. BRUH.”

Though it conceded that navigating the hordes of entitled white girls was not as bad as many anticipated, a beleaguered Coronavirus confirmed that it was, indeed, “definitely worse than the flu.”

Originally published at https://thepennypress.press on March 9, 2020.