Iowa Caucus Collapse: In Absence of Republican Opponent, Dems Still Find a Way to Not Win

In a courageous display of perseverance in the face of accessibility, the Democratic Party staged a stunning come-from-ahead defeat on Monday night, inexplicably finding a way to not win in their own Iowa Caucuses, despite the absence of an opposing Republican candidate on the ballot.

Speaking with Penny Press sideline reporters after the contest, veteran quarterback Bernie Sanders had this to say about the gutsy failure: “It was tough. Really tough out there. Ya know, things were just going our way; it seemed like no matter how hard we tried to fail, we just couldn’t miss. But then, when all hope seemed found, we managed to pull apart at the seams, dig deep and gut out the hard-lost L.”

In a back-and-forth contest in which the democrats struggled against themselves, the epic collapse was eventually secured when it was discovered by DNC officials late Monday that Shadow-the app procured by the DNC to report voting results-required an in-app purchase to actually deliver said results.

Recounting the big play, DNC Chair Tom Perez said, “I kept trying to hit download but this error message kept popping up, saying, ‘Please Update Your Payment Information.’ So I tried going to General, Settings…but then I couldn’t remember where you click to get to your iCloud. So I finally figured out it’s at the very top, buried amongst Apple ID, iTunes & App Store, etc. But then when I finally found it, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember my password. It’s soooo confusing.”

The most recent loss is, per DNC chair Tom Perez, part of a larger strategy by Democrats to differentiate themselves from their Republican opponent. “Trump’s brand is all about winning. We needed to find a way to differentiate ourselves from our competitor. So we went with losing. We figured that if we could become known for being the most incredible losers of all time, it might just give us a shot to win in November.”

Following the big loss, the democrats look to extend their losing streak in New Hampshire on Tuesday night. When asked if he thought they could continue to hamper their own momentum, rookie Pete Buttigieg offered, “I’ll be honest: I don’t know why I’m here, or how, or what’s going on. So yea, if we keep our heads down and keep falling backwards, I’d say we’ve got a chance to keep this losing streak going right up through November.”

Originally published at https://thepennypress.press on February 5, 2020.