New Hampshire Feels the Bern; Nervously Awaits STD Test Results While Ruminating Over Life Decisions
Public health officials are cautioning all Americans to use safe sex practices after an outbreak of “The Bern” was reported by the state of New Hampshire during a routine primary exam on Tuesday night.
The health scare is currently being linked to the state’s democratic primary, which took place earlier in the day.
After declaring the Iowa Caucuses in favor of, “Ah, fuck it, who needs Iowa anyways?”, the democrats looked to regroup in New Hampshire and deliver the first big victory for liberals since the all-female cast of Ghostbusters was announced. After actually counting votes this time, Bernie Sanders was declared the winner, giving your out-of-touch uncle hope that he may, one day, be cool enough to use instagram.
Sanders’s supporters erupted as he took to the stage to deliver his victory speech, excitedly waving biodegradable “Bernie 2020” signs**. Speaking from the podium, Bernie thanked his thousands of grassroots supporters who, “knocked on doors in the rain and the snow and the cold,” adding, “I know you people probably can’t afford to take an Uber.”
**Bernie 2020 Signs can be exchanged for 10% off any Moons Over My Hammy order at participating Denny’s locations, offer valid thru February 16th, 2020.
Symptoms of The Bern can include:
- Birkenstocks
- Irrational Fear of Showering
- Student Loan Debt for Unusable Philosophy Degree
- Self-Righteousness Masked by Excessive Patchouli
- An Unhealthy Relationship with Money
See a doctor if you experience any of the following serious symptoms:
- Birkenstocks with Socks
- Spontaneous Drum Circles
- More Student Loan Debt for Less-Unusable Communications Degree after Philosophy Degree Didn’t Pan Out
- Forcing friends to Watch Graphic Vegan Documentaries in an Attempt to Meat-Shame them into Compliance
For its part, New Hampshire was unsure of how it contracted the illness, though all signs point to a regrettable one night stand with New Jersey a week prior.
When asked about the severity of “The Bern,” New Hampshire offered that it was way better than the time it got Trump, adding “Now that was bad. It was like it grabbed me by the pussy and never let go.”
Originally published at https://thepennypress.press on February 12, 2020.
