Last Minute Gift Ideas (Screw You Gary)

Haven’t finished (or even started) your Christmas shopping yet? Don’t panic! Here’s a list of last minute gift ideas that even my ass hat ex-fiance Gary can appreciate.

The Amazon Echo

It listens to what you have to say without interrupting and then provides helpful information. It sounds like the opposite of you Gary, doesn’t it?

The Mattel View Master

Place your phone in the view master to create a world of virtual reality. You can go anywhere without leaving your home. This one sounds right up your alley Gary since you never like to leave the couch. How many times did I say we should visit London? You said it was too far. You think the kitchen is too far you lazy bastard.

Crosley Portable Turntable

If this had a vagina, you’d bang it Gary. “Look at me, I’m Gary, I listen to music on huge discs that need to be treated like delicate babies.” Get with the times, grow up, and listen to music on your phone like the rest of the world. “But the sound quality is so much better on vinyl.” Shut the F up Gary.

Pigs in a Blanket Maker

Hey Gary, this is named after you and the loose women you roll around with in your disgusting bed.

Custom Coffee Mugs

Gary, this is a hilarious daily reminder about your flaccid, useless penis.

Donate to Charity

I’m donating all the clothes you left behind to the shelter. So, Gary, when you see the worst-dressed homeless men walking around in Ed Hardy T-shirts and Seven jeans with rhinestones on the back pockets, you’ll know your douche wear helped those in need.

DIY Gift Basket

I’m putting everything that reminds me of you into a basket and then lighting it on fire! This is my ceremonious way of saying goodbye to you forever Gary.

Treat Yourself

I’m using the money I would’ve spent on you this Christmas and buying myself a fun, party dress. Come New Year’s Eve I’m going out and having a good time with MY friends. I’m a smart, confident, beautiful woman who does not need you. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for Gary. But my guess is, it’s not at the bottom of those beer cans.

Good luck in life Gary.