An Unfulfilled Multipotentialite Searching for His One Thing
I envy people who can pick one thing and stick with it. The only thing I ever did long enough to do well was writing, and it makes me hope I can finally settle down and stop jumping from one thing to another.
But my mind wants me to keep searching. Even though I write every day and love everything about it, for some reason I am not being allowed to stop and focus. My brain wants to jump to new territory and learn everything I can about each new interest, then abandon it to a folder on my hard drive and real estate on the back of a neuron floating around in my skull.
Writing has always been a constant for me, for as long as I have been able to properly use a pencil, but nothing else in my life has been.
Take just the last twenty years, for instance.
I have started projects, took courses, read books, created businesses, and became proficient in using technologies I would never use again. I have tried podcasting, video production, audio mastering, electronic music production, web design, publishing, editing, digital marketing, UI/UX, teaching, cannabis farming, cannabusiness marketing, life coaching, woodworking, landscaping, cooking, eCommerce, gaming, and photography.
I’ve opened businesses or at least created business plans for a design firm, restaurant, mental health websites, too many blogs to count, custom gaming computer manufacturing, and an online social media marketing company.
I’ve built websites, publications, YouTube channels, podcasts, and started hundreds of social media accounts. I have hard drives, floppy disks, CDs, thumb drives, and cloud drives full of business ideas, logos, social media graphics, business plans, website backups, blueprints, articles, essays, journals, and book ideas.
I would probably still be carrying a library of books in boxes around with me had I not moved to the other side of the world. As it is, I have more books in my Kindle account than I will read in four lifetimes.
I am a polymath, scanner, multipod, and renaissance man — I am a generalist. I reject niches and labels. I refuse to be put in a box.
The problem is that I have so many interests and paths I want to walk, that I cannot decide on only one road to take.
Yes, I want to be a writer, but I can’t seem to settle for just that. After all these years, I am still looking for the one thing I want to be when I grow up.
But fuck. I am almost 53 years old. When will this search end?
As much as I love writing, the fact that I am still looking makes me think that I haven’t found the one thing yet.
You know, THE ONE THING.
Some people would say that my family should be my one thing, but this is separate from them. My family is THE REASON — but out there somewhere is something I have been searching for that will give my life meaning beyond being a father, husband, and decent human being.
Some people search for their one thing in the pursuit of wealth. They feel like if they have enough money, everything will be clear to them, but that is a dead end. At the end of the day, money is worthless, and greed is the bottom of the barrel.
Love is a noble pursuit but will often leave you broken and alone.
For the longest time, I thought the answer was altruism. What could be better than putting the needs and wants of others in front of your own? Deep down, I would like to believe that when I find my one thing it will be something honorable and generous. I’d like to believe that my liberal ideals have something to do with what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life.
I hope I am not some dormant super-villain, and my purpose is to cause the end of life as we know it.
Wouldn’t that just be my luck?
So still I search, and as much as I try to trim from my life, it keeps growing substantially. I have a tech YouTube channel, a podcast, writing on medium, and more social media accounts than I can keep up with.
I read, absorb, and keep finding things I am interested in: gaming, technology, digital art, music, graphic design, politics, and finance. I am still an activist against racism, capitalism, conservatism, sexism, ableism, and mental health stigma.
Every day is something new to research and read about. Every day I find a new course to start or have an idea for a “can’t miss” channel idea.
Every day I start a new diet and wish something about myself is different than it is.
I don’t know if I can settle a just be grateful for all the wonderful things I have. Why can’t the things I possess and the people who love me fulfill every part of my being? Why am I always looking for newer and better?
I love my wife and family with all my heart, but why can’t I look them in the eyes and say I am happy, without thinking of everything I haven’t done with my life in the back of my mind?
The thing about this is there are so many of you out there who are just like me. I am looking at you, creatives! Every time I write on this subject, I get comments from people who are in the same situation and wonder why they just can be happy.
What makes us the way we are? What makes us spend our lives in the search for the ONE THING when we already have every element of a fulfilled life in our possession?
I hope it’s because we are waiting to reach our full potential, and our purpose is so great that nothing we have will ever be good enough until we find our one thing.
I hope all this effort wasn’t a waste.