What is Happening To Me?

Drastic change is turning me into something else entirely

Jason Weiland
May 14 · 5 min read
Photo by Matt Duncan on Unsplash

I can feel myself changing in ways I never expected. Sure when you make a drastic lifestyle change, you have to expect things probably won’t go according to the plan. Maybe, what happens is far better than you could have envisioned in the beginning.

I haven’t weighed myself in a week, but I know I am shedding pounds and inches like mad. Since I stopped eating carbs, my body is changing for the better. It would be cool if I had some of those strips you pee on to see if you are in ketosis. I haven’t been fasting more than 12 hours a day, but it would interesting to see if my body is producing ketones from burning fat and protein.

I can feel my body loosening and tightening up at the same time. A combination of walking, fascia stretches, and yoga is getting my sore aching muscles to work and extend. The places that hurt terribly and kept me from exercise are now getting flexible and lubricated easily, if I take the time to warm them up properly.

My walk this morning was brilliant, and I was able to range farther at a quicker pace than I have been able maintain for quite a while. I meditate when I walk, focusing on the present and what my body and mind are telling me, and this is where it is starting to get a bit weird.

Since I have been eating better, learning how to breathe and meditate, and listening to what is going on in my head instead of cringing in fear of what the psychosis is saying, I’m starting to realize why people meditate to expand their mind, and work to meld their bodies into well-oiled machines.

My brain is starting to enlighten me.

Now, I am at the very early stages, but I can already see the benefit of having a mind not focused on sickness and vitriol. The voices and violent noise in my head is lessening more each day, and I can start to hear something I long to hear again — my inner voice.

You know that voice that narrates your day and argues with you when you have a big decision to make? You know that reasonable part of you mind that talks to you gently teaching you the ways of life?

It’s been so long since I’ve heard that voice, because the three evil sisters have been cackling and screaming, using up all the attention I can give and still work and exist. They filled me with negativity and dread, and my inner voice was lost somewhere in the dark.

People asked me why I was so robotic and unfeeling, and it was a combination of medication deadening my nerves and my own safeguards that I have in place to keep the ugly voices locked in the back of my head.

The gentle and caring part of me that helps when I have no one else to turn to was replaced by depression, anxiety, disordered eating, self-harm, and the shrieking of my psychosis.

I didn’t know how to relate to any of what was happening to me so I defaulted to being miserable all of the time. My body hurt and ached, as did my mind, and I walked around with my discomfort painted all over my face.

I was a ghost of my former self, and everytime I tried to shake the shit from my gears, it only made the problem worse.

Then I started eating differently and getting in touch with my spiritual side. No, I’m still an atheist. What I mean is that I was starting to focus on the present, the here and now, instead of dwelling on past mistakes and hoping and wishing for a better future.

I wasn’t looking for a god to make me whole, I was looking inside myself for the peaceful warrior that was there all along.

I’m only a month into eating differently and treating my body like a temple, and already I can feel my mind changing and melding into something I can work with to help me focus on what is happening in my life at this very moment.

I’ve welcomed the inner me back, and although he is still a faded ghost of what he was, I am looking forward to strengthening our bond and having conversations and adventures.

Most people ignore the shit going on in their heads, but if you listen really closely, you may find a better friend and companion that anyone in your real life.

As my inner life becomes more pleasant and fulfilling, my outer responds. Financially, we are finally coming out of the hole. My present self can finally see through the false dreams I had of becoming a billionaire, and see a simpler future where money isn’t the main concern in life and everything we focus on is to improve the present moment.

I still have thoughts of winning the lottery or creating the next big thing, but my daydreams are no longer so obsessively about what I would do if I could buy anything in this world I wanted.

I don’t fear death in my future, because I know the warrior in me will live on somewhere else in time and space. I focus on the present, because the present moment lives forever.

I can’t say I’m happy, because that is such as loaded concept and I have no clue what it means for me. But, I’m fulfilled, and my life now, in the present, is filled with moments of stunning joy and pure gratefulness for the positive things happening to me and my mind right now.

I am enjoying the ability to write about the important present things instead of dwelling on the evil in my past and wishing for a future that will never come to pass.

I could never express what is happening to me before in this kind of detail, because my inner voice was lost to me and I had no one on my side when the words wouldn’t come.

Things are falling into place and I am going to stay on this path I have chosen and keep improving my mind, body, and spirit.

I feel wonderful and light, and in this present moment the bliss is so overwhelming its hard to not to cry tears of joy and hug everyone I meet on this street.

If this is drugs, I want more of whatever it does for me. If this is what life is supposed to be, I never want to go back to the way I was.

The plan is to live in the present, and improve a little each day. They benefits are already showing what they can do, and my inner voice is singing a song I haven’t heard in ages.

Life is bliss.

Jason Weiland

Written by

Introverted essayist and creator- I am doing it my way and it might take a bit longer. Don't wait up! https://jasonjamesweiland.com

The Personal Essayist

We want your personal stories. Essays that enlighten, amuse, inspire, captivate. The human experience is complex, but rife with identity, commonality. Share your words with us so that we may embrace the world we live in and fully cherish our eclectic humanity.

Jason Weiland

Written by

Introverted essayist and creator- I am doing it my way and it might take a bit longer. Don't wait up! https://jasonjamesweiland.com

The Personal Essayist

We want your personal stories. Essays that enlighten, amuse, inspire, captivate. The human experience is complex, but rife with identity, commonality. Share your words with us so that we may embrace the world we live in and fully cherish our eclectic humanity.

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