to the boy who didn’t love me back

hi

i know you’re never going to read this. but maybe that’s okay. because this story is going to consist of me sending my thoughts through my fingers pushing the keys to put it down in writing. it’s going to be sloppy and out of order and probably poorly written. but it’s real. and it’s how it’s going to be.

there’s nothing that i would want to say to your face anymore. honestly i don’t want to see it. because it’s a reminder of the time i wasted pretending that you loved me too. because i’m battling the constant feeling that it’s my fault that you didn’t love me back. i would love to act as if i’m okay with you not being in my life anymore, but it hurts. wow. it hurts. i really hope the next girl is luckier. the next girl who falls for you is probably strong-willed and sure of herself, and maybe she won’t fall down as hard and as fast as i did when i met you. because the truth is there’s never going to be anyone else like you. at least, i hope not. because the feeling i get with you is the feeling of being euphoric and yet nauseous about the fact that you’re never going to mutter those three little words to me.

things remind me of you every day. songs, pictures, places, smells, sounds. it’s true what they say about memories being tied to other things. it’s like being a kite being tied to too many things at once and it can’t go anywhere anymore because it just feels like one big trap that i can’t escape. i suppose i’m better now. much better than how i was maybe last year at this time. i still have those nights though. the nights where i start doubting myself, then worrying, then being upset, then crying until i’m sleeping. my mind drifts at night. it drifts off back to the past and then goes way far into the future, which brings be back to the present, worrying that both directions are not looking up.

i just wonder what it would have been like if i had never met you. what i would be like, who i would talk to, what i would’ve done with all of the time that wouldn’t have had to be wasted on you. my thoughts, my words, my tears. what i would have turned out like. because my worst fear is the idea that my life would’ve been better without you being such a big part of it for so long. and i believe it sometimes. i believe that you ruined me. and that i’m not the right person anymore. i think you threw a loop into my journey, and i’m not sure if i’m back on course yet, or if i’m always going to be lost in the back roads trying to find my way back to who i am.

i suppose that’s all i have to say. i’d like to think i’m moving past you, and i hope you’re doing okay. please never come back into my life.