Ranking Every MLB Mascot

Well, it has come to this: I’m actually about to rank every MLB mascot, from worst to best. Sports journalism has reached a new low. Well, before I swallow my pride and start the rankings, here’s a few things to keep in mind:

1. The mascots are being evaluated on everything. Their design, their relationship with the team, their history (yes, some mascots have more storied histories then others), and a good deal of what I call a “je ne sais quoi” factor. I mean, ranking something as silly as MLB mascots can only be so academic.
2. A lot of teams now have secondary mascots. Although they won’t be ranked on their own, they will play a small part for consideration in the overall rankings. I think we can all agree that DJ Kitty should bump up the Tampa Bay Rays a few spots. There is one exception to this rule, but we’ll see them when we see them.

Alighty then, let’s jump in…

30. Los Angeles Dodgers, no mascot — Automatic last place. It’s honestly shocking that the Dodgers have been in LA for almost 60 years, and they never came up with some sort of celebrity themed mascot. Hell, make it the Kardashians. Actually, on second thought, anybody but the Kardashians.

29. New York Yankees, no mascot — Another automatic failure. The evil empire does get out of last place though, because they actually had a failed mascot back in the 70’s. The organization denies his existence to this day.

28. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, no official mascot — Yet another automatic failure, thought the Halos do have an unofficial mascot in the Rally Monkey. Too bad he isn’t official, the monkey would have put the Angels comfortably into the top 10.

27. Atlanta Braves, Homer the Brave — By far the worst official MLB mascot. He’s just a rip-off of another, much higher ranked baseball-headed-mascot. The Braves committed total plagiarism, but I guess it’s still a step up from their last mascot, the incredibly racist “Chief Knockahoma”.

26. Cleveland Indians, Slider — Another godawful mascot. Slider looks like a cross between Barney the Dinosaur and a much more famous/higher ranked mascot. He’s pretty lame, though I do credit the Indians for not going the racist route and having a stuffed American Indian as their mascot. Then again, Slider’s jersey does include the infamous red faced “Chief Wahoo”, so maybe the Indians don’t deserve too much credit.

25. San Diego Padres, Swinging Friar — No disrespect to any Christians, but human mascots that aren’t actually human creep me the hell out. Just look at his toothless smile and unblinking eyes. Look closer. Closer. See what I mean? Totally nightmare inducing. Many people confuse the beloved San Diego Chicken as the Padres’ mascot, but the Chicken isn’t technically the official mascot of anything. Still, the Chicken’s occasional appearances keeps San Diego out of the “Homer the Brave” level terrible.

24. Kansas City Royals, Sluggerrr (Yes, KC’s mascot is spelled with 3 R’s at the end) — Sluggerr is great idea for a mascot. Lions are known as the kings of the jungle, so that makes them Royalty in the animal kingdom. Cute idea, right? Well, the execution is terrible. Why is his crown fused to his head?! He looks like a cross between Alex the Lion from the Madagascar films and Bart Simpson. The crown should go atop the head, not be the head!!! Honestly, poor Sluggerrr is almost as scary looking as the aforementioned Swinging Friar.

23. Chicago White Sox, Southpaw — Sure, he’s (she’s?) just a ripoff of a certain iconic green furry MLB mascot, but Southpaw is actually isn’t that bad. Southpaw is lingo for left-handers, and given the White Sox’s rich history of left handed pitching and the fact the White Sox play in the South side of Chicago, the name is shockingly sort of clever. I don’t know, Southpaw doesn’t look any scarier to me then fellow Chicagoan Rod Blagojevich.

22. Houston Astros, Orbit — While I appreciate the Astros returning to an alien mascot after years of the mismatched Junction Jack, Orbit’s design kind of scheeves me out. Should aliens really be that furry? What kind of galaxy do its lifeforms have baseball antennas? To me, Orbit looks more like a Monster Inc. reject then a martian. His antics with the other teams’ players is always fun though, so its hard to to hate the big green fur-ball.

21. Texas Rangers, Rangers Captain — Again, another example of a good idea, but bad execution. A horse is the perfect mascot for the Rangers, but the Rangers Captain design is just bland. The only unforgettable aspect of the captain is his huge open mouth, which is just plain creepy. Somebody should call that woman in the image above, and make sure she wasn’t eaten alive. Also, Rangers Captain is by far the most boring name for a mascot in any sport.

20. Chicago Cubs, Clark — The newest member of the MLB mascot family, Clark certainly looks the youngest. I suppose that makes sense, seeing how he’s a cub rather then a bear, but I just not feeling his look. Clark looks more like a kid from Leave it to Beaver or the Andy Griffith Show rather then a current millennial that he often entertains. At least his open mouth isn’t as creepy as the Rangers Captain.

19. Tampa Bay Rays, Raymond — Raymond is yet another poser furry creature. I give Raymond a little bit more respect then other wannabe furry creatures, as he has his own cool little backstory, and he’s not afraid to go there with Steve Irwin jokes. Also, I must restate that DJ Kitty is the best secondary mascot in MLB.

18. Baltimore Oriole, The Oriole Bird — The Oriole Bird is as basic as they come. He’s a plain, somewhat timeless bird wearing an Orioles cap. The bird is pretty dull, though I give him points for his longevity (He’s been the Orioles mascot since 1979), and his occasional visitors, like Poe the Baltimore Raven. He must be pretty tech savvy to, as he has his own Twitter account.

17. Detroit Tigers, Paws — Sort of like the Oriole Bird, Paws is about as basic as they come. He’s just a big, timeless looking tiger, wearing a way too small Tigers ballcap. He’s cool looking, but there’s very little personality to him. Seriously, I’ve been to Tigers games in the past, and I barley saw him. Still, my cat bias has Paws slotted at 17 on the list. How are we not half way through yet?!

16. St. Louis Cardinals, Fredbird — Fredbird is actually pretty iconic in the the MLB mascot field, as he dates back to the 70’s, and his general design has remain unchanged ever since. He should probably ranked higher, but I think his design looks so antiquated. The dude needs a huge makeover. Still, his mini-mafia of young women and the wonderful sidekick of the Rally Squirrel helps moves Fredbird to dead center on the list.

15. Minnesota Twins, TC Bear — TC Bear has a pretty cool backstory, as he was based on the Hamm’s Beer Bear, a beloved Minnesota icon and quasi-unofficial Twins mascot. He’s not the most fun or zany mascot out there, but I don’t think he should be. His squeaky clean, beer influenced identity is as Minnesota as Mary Tyler Moore and the Land of 10,000 Lakes’ crazy, crazy, politicians. Plus, I’m a sucker for mascots with blue eyes.

14. Miami Marlins, Billy Marlin — Billy Marlin is another deceptively clever mascot. Marlins are considered by marine biologists as a type of “Billfish”, so the Marlins having as mascot named Billy is kind of clever. I also really like the design of his head. Making a fish mascot on land is not an easy task, but the plastic looking head weirdly really works for me. Keep on swimmin’ Billy.

13. Toronto Blue Jays, Ace — Ace is basically the Sonic the Hedgehog of MLB mascots. He’s blue, he’s athletic, and he has a lot of attitude. Look at his cocked grin and arched eyebrows, and tell me that he’s not ready to kick someone’s ass. One of the best bird mascots in baseball, Ace is pretty awesome. Oh, and he has a child friend (Son?) named Junior. He leaves very little impression whatsoever.

12. Pittsburgh Pirates, Pirate Parrot — The best bird in baseball. Pirate Parrot is fun, creative, and well-themed with the Pirates. He’s famous for being introduced the same season the Pirates last won the World Series, though more infamously known for his drug dealing with the Pirates back in the 80’s. Still, the Parrot has cleaned up his act in recent years, and is joined with the secondary mascots in the racing pierogies as one of the most fun mascot squads in the MLB today.

11. Cincinnati Reds, Gapper/Rosie Red/Mr. Red/Mr. Redlegs (In order, left to right) — Here’s the one exception to the multiple mascot rule that I mentioned in the beginning . The Reds have a bit of a mascot identity crisis, as they use all four of their mascots equally as the primary mascot. On one hand, you have Gapper, who is yet another generic furry creature. He’s pretty lame, and named after a weird gap in Great American Ballpark. On the other hand, you have what I assume is the baseball family. The father, Mr. Redlegs, is an old fashioned dude from the dead-ball era of baseball. He’s pretty neat, he looks like the type of guy who snacks on cracker jack even outside of baseball contexts. His wife, Rosie Red, is a sultry, mid-century gal who truly is a trailblazer for female MLB mascots. She truly is the Gloria Steinem of the MLB mascot community. Finally, their son is Mr. Red, a cocky looking millennial who looks just a little too full of himself. Maybe it’s just me, but I really love the subtle time progression of the baseball family’s designs. It’s very hard to rank the Reds’ mascots, as I’m not sure if I should reward Cincy for embracing four mascots, or punish the Queen City for not committing to just one. Keeping the Reds’ mascot team just outside the top ten seems like the most fair way to judge the fab four. Sorry Rosie Red!

10. Boston Red Sox, Wally the Green Monster — Wally is basically the Kim Kardashian of MLB mascots, he’s this high on the list for his name alone. He’s the realization of the iconic Green Monster left field wall at Fenway Park, and his is Wally for good measure. His design his pretty dopey, but Wally’s name is so on the nose that he makes it into the top 10. His younger sister Tessie doesn't affect the rankings at all.

9. Washington Nationals, Screech — The Nationals went the obvious route, and picked the USA’s iconic bald eagle as the mascot. Screech is a simple, but effective eagle, the perennially screeching mouth is cool look. He doesn’t have a huge personality, but his backstory is one of the coolest in the realm of MLB mascots. I still believe that the Pirate Parrot is the best bird in the majors, but the Nationals are ranked above him with the aid of the Racing Presidents. They’re by far the best “Racing ________s” mascots in any American sport, mainly because they’re the freakin’ US Presidents. #MakeAmericaGreatAgain #JustKidding #NeverTrump

8. Colorado Rockies, Dinger — Dinger is the ultimate love him or hate him MLB mascot. On one hand, the fact that the Rockies made a dinosaur their mascot because they found actual dino fossils during the construction of Coors Field is absolutely brilliant. Finding a creative mascot for a team called the “Rockies” isn’t easy, so finding a mascot out of real life events is incredible. Then again, it’s a known fact that Dinger is sort of a huge a-hole to opposing pitchers. I actually appreciate a mascot with the stones to do what he does.

7. San Francisco Giants, Lou Seal — I love Lou Seal. He looks freaking adorable, but he doesn’t flaunt it. His shades and frequent costume changes makes him look so suave and cool. His full-name sounds like the first name of the mom from Arrested Development; and given the Giants’ seaside ballpark location, a seal makes perfect sense. He’s sort of like the Frank Sinatra of mascots, he’s amazingly cool in a timeless way, and you can’t but feel sort of envious of him. At least I can’t. It’s too bad the Crazy Crab isn’t around any more, he would have propelled the Giants into the top three on the list.

6. Seattle Mariners, Mariner Moose — For a such a simple mascot, everyone who talks about MLB mascots (all five of us) always adores the Mariner Moose. I am no exception. His identity fits perfectly with the Pacific Northwest climate of Seattle, and I will always admire is driving skills around Safeco Field. I weirdly like his antlers, they’re big and assertive, but not overly aggressive. I can’t believe I just wrote that last sentence.

5. Arizona Diamondbacks, Baxter the Bobcat — Being a cat fan, Baxter is already pretty awesome to me. His confident snarl is both comical and a little intimidating. However, Baxter’s name is even more amazing. His “full name” is D. Baxter, a play on the “Dbacks” abbreviation for Arizona’s baseball team. Furthermore, he’s a bobcat, an indigenous Arizona desert feline; and a play on Chase Field’s old name, Bank One Ballpark (frequently abbreviated by fans as ‘The BOB’). Yeah, Arizona thought of everything in naming Baxter, which is why he made it all the way up to the #5 spot on the list.

4. Oakland Athletics, Stomper — In order to get Stomper, you need to know a little baseball history. Back more then a hundred years ago, Philadelphia business man Benjamin Shibe purchased the team. New York Giants manager John McGraw said that Shibe bought a “white elephant”, an old timey term for a dumb investment based on its enormous upkeep. After that comment, Athletics legend Connie Mac embraced the name, and began to use the elephant as a team symbol. Fast forward to 1997, and Stomper the elephant took the analogy to a whole new level. Regardless of Stomper’s silly appearance (that smile of his looks a bit too jovial, and the fact that Stomper looks more GREY then white), all of that backstory from the annals of the Athletics’ history earns Stomper the honor of being in the top 5.

3. New York Mets, Mr. Met — Mr. Met is by far the best baseball-headed mascot in the Majors. Unlike Homer and Mr. Red, Mr. Met looks so earnest and genuine. How can you not feel a little happy looking into his warm smile? He looks like a extended family member, whose visits are always anticipated and beloved. He’s the Mr. Rogers of the MLB mascots, his presence just fills the room with joy. Also, Mr. and Mrs. Met make the cutest couple in mascot history. Perhaps sports history.

2. Milwaukee Brewers, Bernie Brewer — Bernie Brewer is crazy popular in Wisconsin. He could probably beat Scott Walker for Governor of Wisconsin if he really wanted to, and for good reason. From his early days of being a real life man sliding into a giant beer stein, to his current costumed appearance sliding down his giant yellow slide, Bernie Brewer rivals Mr. Met as the most charming fella in baseball. Sure, his costumed head is vaguely creepy (then again, how can you not trust a man with a handlebar mustache?), but make no mistake: Bernie Brewer is possibly the most likable mascot in all of sports. Oh, and the racing sausages are almost as amazing as the presidents. The rare appearances from Bonnie Brewer are also a joy, especially if you are lucky enough to be a coach for the rival team.

1. Philadelphia Phillies, Phillie Phanatic — Bernie Brewer may be the most likable mascot in baseball, but the Phanatic is the most fun. Hailing from the Galapagos Islands, the Phanatic transcends the baseball world and into the real World. What other mascots can say that they were on 30 Rock and The Simpsons? His antics, his ATV, his dugout dancing, his famous fights, all make the Phanatic is the poster boy for mascot popularity in American sports. I feel truly blessed for having the best mascot in baseball just twenty minutes away from home. May the Phillie Phanatic always entertain baseball fans as long as the game exists.

Thanks for reading! Disagree with the ranking of the MLB mascots? Write your own rankings in the comments below, and then reevaluate your life choices that brought you to this listicle. Stick around here on the Phanzone, for more fun content!