Ranking All 32 NFL Uniforms

NFL uniforms — there’s the good, the bad, and the ugly. They help us identify who’s on which team, and its time that the unis get a list of their own. I’m ranking all of them from worst to first, and setting up a few general categories as we go along. Here’s a few things to keep in mind:

1. Every aspect of the uniform is considered. From helmet to cleat, nothing is ignored.
2. Home (also known as “color”), road (also known as “white”), and alternate unis are all considered, but some teams are weighted differently. For example, the Cowboys almost always wear there “away uniform” at home, so their road unis will be considered much more than there technical home uniform.
3. “Color Rush” uniforms will not be considered, because they’re a lame gimmick and they look terrible.

With all of that out of way, let’s get started!

32–29: The train-wrecks

32. Jacksonville Jaguars — Holy hell, these uniforms are vomit inducing! The black, white, teal, and gold color scheme is the worst in the NFL, the number font looks like it was scribbled by a 2nd grader, the ‘Jags’ patch is stupid and belongs on the “other football” jersey, and don’t even get me started on those gradient helmets! I honestly feel sorry for the Brits who see “their team” annually trot out of the locker room in these piles of crap. What a disaster.

31. Cleveland Browns — Nike did a redesign of the Cleveland “factory of sadness” Browns uniforms last season, and they look horrific. I get that the browns aren’t a great name to work with and all, but the color scheme is possibly worse than Jacksonville’s! The weird shoulder stripe thingy is lame, and the “CLEVELAND” atop the numbers makes the Browns look like some sort of second rate SEC school. It’s a perfect analogy that Johnny Football wore these craptacular unis. If not for the Jaguars’ gradient helmet, these threads from hell would be dead last.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Another abomination. While color scheme isn’t that bad (The orange sucks, but mercifully minimal), the numbers look downright ridiculous. They make the uniforms look like your parents’ alarm clock, just plastered onto large mens’ torsos. The weird angles near the shoulder aren’t doing much for me either. The flag on the helmet is also way too big, but at least it looks kinda cool. Seriously though, the alarm clock look here is some of the worst in sports, period.

29. Cincinnati Bengals — The stripes are the creme de le creme of the “love it or hate it” kind of NFL uniforms. I hate them. Like, really hate them. To me, they look like a tiger beat magazine (pun somewhat intended) from 1987 threw up, and became an NFL uniform. Ewww. The home unis also have way too much black, so the alternate jersey looks better me. Of course orange is my least favorite color, so sort of a moot point. Another disastrous train-wreck, though Cincy’s is a bit iconic for its train-wreck. That’s why it’s 29.

28–25: The Identity crisises

28. Miami Dolphins — The Dolphins worked with Nike on a uniform/logo redesign in 2013, and it looks like a downgrade to me. The “aqua green” looks way too bluish, the orange usage is minimal even for my taste, and the new “swimming dolphin” logo looks less “dolphin-y” than the old one. I don’t know why, but these new unis make the ‘fins look like a shell of their former selves to me. One the plus side, the Dolphins continue to wear all white at home, a historical tradition in large part to cool down players against the South Florida heat. That’s a far better look then the quasi teal “home” jerseys they would otherwise wear.

27. Atlanta Falcons — The Falcons’ color scheme is pretty decent (not to mention reminiscent of Georgia’s more popular football team), but the designs on these uniforms are butt ugly. The striping and patches on the shoulders really bother me, as do the shoulder-to-sock- stripe along the sides. They look like scraped jumpsuits from Tron or something. I’m sure they looked cutting edge back in the Michael Vick era, but they certainly haven’t aged well in the past ten years or so. Also the the drop shadow on the numbers are puzzling at best. The saving grace here is the retro alternate uniform, which is a throwback to the Falcons of the 80’s. Those are admittedly pretty sweet. Oh, and Falcon on the helmet is shaped like an “F” for falcon. GET IT?!

26. Tennessee Titans — The Titans are like that fashionista girl at school who literally cannot decide on a dress for her junior prom. They constantly switch back and forth between using the the white, dark blue, and baby blue as the primary color for the jerseys and the pants, and end up with a messy hodgepodge of the three. Let’s hope the team can find the perfect look and stick to it, just like that girl who just tried on dress #8. At least the helmets are a nice nod to the Tennessee state flag.

25. Minnesota Vikings — The Vikings make strange choices with their uniforms. As you can see above, they frequently mix and match the home/away jerseys with the home/away pants. They’re not horrible, but the purple on purple look makes the players look like Barney the Dinosaur. The Vikes are also one of the few teams with no alternate uniform, so you better really like purple and white! Also, the helmets make no sense to me. It took me 16 years to realize that those are viking horns. I don’t buy it. Overall, a very underwhelming set to me.

24–20: The Mediocre sets

24. New Orleans Saints — These uniforms are just meh to me. While I appreciate the use of the fleur de lis on the helmets as a symbol for the French/Cajun culture in Louisiana, the colors of black, white, and metallic gold feel very uninspired to me. You would think playing in New Orleans would lead to much more colorful and fun unis, but these look so drab and depressed. The Saints are another team with no alternate jersey, so mixing and matching the pants is the only thing to spruce up such a boring look. Very unimpressive.

23. New York Jets — Another very uninspired uniform set. That shade of green looks terrible to me, its looks so washed out and faded. I’m also not buying the fact that there is no illusion to a jet or really anything aerial related, so the helmets feel like a big missed opportunity. Add to this that once again there are no alternate jerseys, as well as the fact the 80's/90's unis looked much better, and we can see just how lame these are.

22. Arizona Cardinals — There’s actually a lot to like about Zona's set. The cardinal red looks very apropos given the team name, I weirdly like the curved stripe from the chest down, and I appreciate the consistency of the white pants. However, there are two things that kill it for me: the cardinal on the helmet looks ridiculous; it looks like that wimpy kid in 6th grade that wants to look tough, but ends up just making a jackass of himself. Also, the black alternate uniform looks so mismatched, because there’s absolutely no black on either the other two. I really want to like Arizona's threads, but the not so tough bird and the black alternate uni just ruins it for me.

21. Buffalo Bills — These are okay. I can get into a red, white, and blue color scheme, but the Bills’ looks dated to me. I thinks it’s the weird juxtaposition of the jerseys in pants that date back to the 60’s, yet with the more modern helmet design. That’s why the alternate throwback looks the best to me, because the helmet matches the time period of the jerseys. The Bills have a “classic” look here, but a very flawed one if you ask me.

20. Houston Texans — I have to give the Texans credit, it’s hard to embody what exactly a “Texan” is onto a uniform design. The dark blue, white, and red matches the lone star motif nicely, but I’m also not so hot for a bull design on the helmet (Then again, how else would you design a helmet for a team called the Texans? A cowboy hat? George Bush relaxing at the Crawford Ranch for 1/3 of his presidency?) I also wish they wore the red jerseys as often as the blue ones, though maybe not if they ever to the red pants again; and the big shoulder stripes bother me to. These duds aren’t bad, just kind of disappointing when asked to live up to a name like the Texans.

19–13: The Flawed Classics

19. Detroit Lions — The Detroit Lions have kept the basic blue and silver look for a very long time now, and holds up okay today. However, the look has slowly been bastardized over the years with little things like “fiercing up the lion”, or updating the font on the jerseys. The addition of the black jersey makes about as much sense as the Cardinals’, but at least it appears that Detroit has been phasing them out over these past few years. The Lions’ unis feel like a poor man’s Packers uniform set — enriched in history, yet slowly adding unnecessary updates.

18. San Francisco 49ers — Ah, the classic red and gold for San Fran, what great set… UNTIL LAST SEASON! Last season, the Niners followed the Arizona and Detroit trend, and added hideous black alternates to the mix. Please click in the link, and see just how bad they look. The worst part about them is that the helmet is the only gold part! God, they’re terrible. San Francisco would be a top 10 uniform set easily, but the black just ruins what is an otherwise classy set of red, white, and gold. Somebody get Joe Montana to fix the madness!

17. San Diego Chargers — I think I speak for everyone, when I say that the powder blue alternate unis are beautiful. The only problem is, they make the navy blue home regulars look lame as fudge by comparison. San Diego really needs to get their act together, and swap the home set with the alternates. Jersey selection aside, the lightning bolt looks great on the helmets; though the jury (well, my jury anyways) is still out on the bolts on the shoulders and the pants. They sort of make the team look a little too charged up me. All around decent set, with one really stealing the show. #PowederBlueEveryWeek

16. Washington Redskins — Racism aside, Washington has a mixed set here. I really dig the maroon and yellow color scheme, the striped socks, and the historical alternates, but there are some serious problems as well. The neon yellow pants look awful, and they make the home uniformed players look like some weird ass 1/2 ketchup 1/2 mustard bottles. Gross. I’m also iffy on the American Indian on the helmet. It’s not exactly offensive (unlike other team logos), but having such a realistic humanoid figure on a uniform is puzzling to say the least. Putting Washington here at #16 feels about right — right in the middle of greatness and atrociousness.

15. Indianapolis Colts — The Colts have kept the basic blue and white look since the days of Johnny Unitas in Baltimore, so points for tradition I guess. These unis are incredibly plain though. Literally the only difference between the home and away uniforms is the blue to white jerseys. Same pants, same socks, same shoulder stripes, same horseshoe, same everything. A lot of people call these horseshoe clad unis total classics, but I think they’re a wee bit too plain to be truly iconic. I guess these duds sort of represent Indiana culture perfectly— traditional, inoffensive, and pleasant, but not attention grabbing enough to be really memorable.

14. Kansas City Chiefs — You could pretty much copy and paste what I said about Indy’s uniform set and it would apply here. I would bump up KC a few spots having three colors instead of two and the cool arrowhead on the helmets, but the red pants with the red jersey looks terrible. It makes the team look like a bunch of kool-aid men, or… Yeah… Um, moving on. The uniforms feel weirdly a little dated rather than classic to me, but I do give credit to KC for finding a PC way to go about embodying a Native American team name.

P.S. — Sorry for the unofficial picture, it’s the only one that had all 4 combinations.

13. New York Giants — These simple NY Giants uniforms should be classics: The simple blue, the block numbers, the grey pants for both home and way, yada yada yada. It’s the red that bothers me. The red is just stripes on the home threads, so why are there red number/socks/weird arm stripes on the white jerseys?! I mean, its not as bad as the horrible red jerseys from a few years ago, but I say that red has no business anywhere on the Giants. The Giants are so lucky the helmet’s “NY” is so iconicaly New Jerse.. I mean New York City football, or else these would be ranked worse than the Colts. Get your stuff together, Big Blue!

12-10: The Cool Birds

12. Seattle Seahawks — If you ask me, the Seahawks do a lot of things really great, and one thing terribly. The vaguely Native American looking hawk on the helmet is a great design, I dig the modern elements on the shoulders and the pants, and I think deep blue, lime green, and space gray are great colors for a team in the Pacific Northwest. However, I simply loathe the constant use of the blue pants, especially on the home unis. If you haven’t noticed by now, I really can’t stand the colored jersey combined with same color pants look, though at least Seattle will occasionally switch up the pants. If Seattle wore just white or even grey pants at home, these would be easily in the top ten.

11. Philadelphia Eagles — My home team. The Eagles have very good unis, because they do the little things right. The jersey-pants combinations work well, the colors are decent (though I do sort of want kelley green to come back to Philly), the black jersey makes more sense then other teams (*cough Cardinals, Lions cough*) because there’s a little black already on the regular jerseys, and I really like the Eagle on the shoulder. However, these unis simply aren’t strong enough to be top 10 worthy. The eagles’ wings on the helmets looks sort of dated to me, and “midnight green” just isn’t a very compelling color. These uniforms have the Eagles flying pretty high, but not truly soaring.

10. Baltimore Ravens — Now these are top 10 worthy. There’s so much to love about this set. The Raven on the helmet looks hardcore and scary, the dark purple looks less Barney-the-Dinosaurish than the Vikings’ purple, the numbers’ font is unique, the freaking flag of Maryland (a top 3 state flag of mine) makes an appearance, and there’s black pants!!! So awesome. This set probably belongs in the next category below, but the gold pants from lat year are unforgivable. They only wore ’em once, but they were bad enough to cost them a few spots better in the rankings. This blog post that 10 people will read seems like adequate punishment for the Ravens’ equipment people, for thinking gold pants were a good idea.

9-6: The Future Classics

9. St. Loui… I mean Los Angeles Rams — The Rams do a fantastic job of blending the old and the new in their uniform set. I really love the ram horns on the helmets, it’s the only “gimmicky” helmet design I really enjoy; so having the awesome design in both the modern navy and gold and the retro royal blue and yellow is great. The navy pants on the home uniform do bother me a bit, but make no mistake: the Rams have a great trio for a great design.

8. Carolina Panthers — What a great set of uniforms. I love the bold choice for having the black jerseys as the primary home ones, because it makes sense for a team called the Panthers to wear the black jerseys. The silver pants also work well with the silver helmets, and that’s one tough cat on said helmet (as well as on the hip of the pants). My only nitpick is that the away uniforms don’t balance the black and blue very well. Nonetheless, this is no doubt a future classic, and one of the very best in the NFL.

7. Denver Broncos — It is very impressive that I like the uniforms a lot, considering how much I hate the color orange. The orange, white, and navy are all great looks; and I’m glad the Broncos promoted the orange jersey to primary home status, it just looks cleaner. The real star of the show is the bronco himself on the helmet. Just look at him! He looks so ready to charge in and kick some ass! These would be the best “newish” uniform out there, but I’m not buying the curvy stripe on the side. I sort of makes the players look like walking commas. Even so, these another future classic. I’m really glad NFL greats like John Elway, Terrell Davis, and Peyton Manning rode off into the sunset wearing such great threads. Even Tebow looked like a capable QB in these!

6. New England Patriots — I’m glad NFL legend Tom Brady won all of his Super Bowls wearing such great uniforms. I love the modern red, white, and blue look on the home/away unis; as well as the retro alternates, featuring a very American shade of red. Best of all, The Patriots are blessed with two great helmet designs. The “Flying Elvis” on the main helmets look awesomely patriotic, but the real star is “Patriot Pat” himself, ready to snap on a second’s notice. Give these bad boys another 20 years, and I might be ready to upgrade them into legendary classic status. They’re that good.

5–1: The Immortals

5. Oakland Raiders — Silver and black. It’s so iconic for the Raiders, that it’s really all the color they need. The Raiders have worn these uniforms without any changes since 1963, and it is a perfect representation of the tough reputation of Oakland and even american football and its growing popularity for 50+ years. The one eyed Raider on the helmet is a perfect compliment to the black and silver color scheme. Just stare into his eye. You don’t screw around with him, and the team better not screw around with uniform changes in the next 50 years. It would ruin the bad-ass Raider image.

4. Chicago Bears — The original orange and navy clad team looks as good today as they did way back in the 40’s. The color scheme, the three simple stripes on the arms, the wishbone “C” on the helmets all remind us of a simpler time, when football was still the edgy alternative to baseball. The retro alternates are a throwback to the actual 40’s uniforms, and they look decent, though seems sort of unnecessary. While Chicago’s image may not be iconic enough to crack the top three, always remember that Da Bears’ look goes way back to the annals of NFL history.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers —The black and gold. The tri-diamond logo. The one sided helmets. Pittsburgh’s uniforms and image don’t really need an introduction, because they are so iconic and rooted into NFL history. They looked great in the days of Bradshaw and the Steel Curtain, and they still look good well into the Roethlisberger era. A lot of people really hate the alternate “bumblebee” uniform (A callback to the Steelers of the 1930's), and while I don’t hate them, I admit they do look very out of place and tarnish a tiny bit of the classic black and gold legacy. Even so, I give major praise to the uniform set that Pittsburgh wore for all 6 super bowl wins.

2. Green Bay Packers — Bart Starr. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. All of these legends have had the honor of adoring the green and gold, the absolute best color scheme in sports. To me, the green and gold have the perfect balance of having such great historical value, and still looking stylish today. In all honesty, the Packers should probably be #1 on the list, but I just can’t love the alternate uniform. A throwback to the Acme Packers of the 1920’s (The Acme Packing Co. bought uniforms for the team when they formed, so team named themselves the Packers in appreciation), they look like they belong in the past to me. I don’t have a problem with Green Bay wanting to honor the team’s origins, but dammit not like this. Not by tarnishing the perfect colors of the regular uniforms. Ugh. Alternates aside, the Packers are truly blessed with such wonderful colors to adorn on fall Sundays.

1. Dallas Cowboys — I didn’t want the Cowboys to be #1. As an Eagles fan, I hate this team with a burning passion. All of that aside, Dallas always looks great. Between the team almost always wearing the immortal white away uniforms, the silver pants and helmets, and the Texas lone star adorning the helmets, the Cowboys fail to look great on the field. Furthermore, the Cowboys are the only team to have an historically great alternate uniform, with the blue and white Thanksgiving uniforms appearing every turkey day at 4:00 since the 60’s. I hope the Cowboys never win a game again, but I certainly hope they never change any of the three uniforms. They’re too perfect to improve upon.