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My Interview with Drunk Evolution

I arranged for an interview with Evolution to get some background from the source, but when I showed up, she was drunk. I didn’t expect that.

Mitchell Diamond
Published in
7 min readAug 19, 2022

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MD: Are you drunk?

Evolution: Hey, I’m fucking Evolution. I’ll get fucked up if I want to. Want a tipple?

MD: No thanks. Are you trying to emulate the TV show, Drunk History?

Evolution: Sure, if you want. It’s great stuff, quality entertainment. But no, think platypus. I came up with that. You think that happens all by itself? I’m an artiste. I need a little motivation sometimes, if you know what I mean. But seriously, how long’s that stupid TV history show been around? I’ve been here for almost four billion years…on Earth. And the fruit eaters really get off on those yeasty beasties fermenting…

MD: Wait, are you saying you’ve been managing evolution on other planets?

Evolution: [Snorts] You’ll never know.

MD: Undoubtedly true if you don’t tell me. [Evolution remains tight-lipped.] So what’s your process? How do you decide how things will evolve?

Evolution: I don’t decide nothin’. I’m rolling craps, but instead of dice, I’m rolling genes, nuleotide, I mean nucleotide bases…

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Mitchell Diamond

Author of Darwin’s Apple: The Evolutionary Biology of Religion, a new take on the function and purpose of religion. http://www.darwinsapple.com