Who Will Be The Next Bachelor?

Monday night finally put a cap on one of the most unsurprising reality tv seasons in history: Jordan “Golden State ‘16-’17” Rodgers, earned the final rose and won the engagement of Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher. This means that one of the 23 other mediocre dudes or Chad will be the next Bachelor, which is bad news for ABC. Will the network take the leap and make Chad their next Bachelor, will they fold and choose one of the other cardboard cut-outs that we knew Jordan Rodgers was going to beat about 15 minutes into the first episode, or will they do something truly unprecedented?

Here’s the breakdown of who the contenders are to be the next Bachelor, separated into three tiers based on how likely they are to be picked:

The Frontrunners

Luke: Luke seems to be the fan favorite; the chiseled Texan bowl of vanilla ice cream nearly rode his combination of abs, arms, and pecs to the final three but was put out because of his inability to say anything of substance. His ruin came by way of not telling JoJo he loved her early enough (roughly 6 weeks after he met her). Now, this could be because Luke was thinking like a real-life person and taking a relationship at a normal pace, but if he was looking for something normal he wouldn’t have inserted himself into the Bachelor universe. All the same, he was in the final four and when Chris Harrison asked the audience to choose between Chase and Luke, Luke got more applause. So, here’s your leader.

Chase: In my opinion Chase is who the producers should choose if they select one of the frontrunners, but it won’t happen. Chase has a half ounce more personality than Luke, which is what matters in the long run for a Bachelor, because he’ll be the center of attention for so long. The problem with Chase is how soft-spoken he is, and possibly even more reserved and vanilla than his counterpart Luke. Outside of the reality tv realm, both of these guys are probably the kind of people you would enjoy having in your life, but they just aren’t dramatic.

Fringe Contenders

James Taylor: I promise I won’t watch the next season if this guy is somehow the Bachelor. Yeah, he’s a nice guy. Good for him, we need more nice guys in the world. He can go play country music benefit shows and recycle and drink soda somewhere else, because you have to be a certain mixture of petty and mildly terrible to be a successful reality star, and James Taylor isn’t that. Any dude who leaves a show like this and vigorously tells the girl that he’s happy for her isn’t the kind of guy I want to spend 3 months worrying about.

Robby: The runner-up on JoJo’s season told her he was in love with her a week after their first kiss. He’s also the real life embodiment of “Hi, how are ya” Spongebob. The dude didn’t say anything of substance all season, so it’s a stretch to say that he’ll magically form a personality if he has his own season.

Alex: This guy has the size of Tyrion Lannister but none of the likability. He definitely was in the running for top 3 worst dudes on JoJo’s season, and I could do without hearing him find a way to complain about Chad any more than I already had to. The only way Alex makes the cut is if negotiations with the previous four fall through and ABC makes the PC move and puts on for the little guys.

What If?

Chad: Obviously. Make no mistake, JoJo’s season was Chad’s season. I still can’t decide if I like him or not, but he would be electric as the Bachelor. Chad is the Donald Trump of Bachelor contestants, and if he plays his cards right he just might land himself in the top spot. On the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise, he proceeded to get housed and call fellow contestant Sarah Herron (a one-armed amputee) “Army McArmenson.” So that didn’t help. He’s factually a terrible person, but he’s everything that all of his peers in this race aren’t, and that’s a wonderful reality tv star.

A Woman: This may seem like a stretch, but who knows with the social climate we now live in. Would ABC really risk a same-sex Bachelor/Bachelorette in the near future? Never say never. I personally don’t think they’ll have a same-sex season on the main show, but there’s definitely the possibility of a spin-off series, so much so that I’d even call it probable. I’m calling it right now, there will be a same-sex Bachelor/Bachelorette before the year 2024.

There you have it. The next Bachelor will most likely be Luke or Chase, but don’t write off Chad or even a woman as the next contestant.