A Feminist manifesto to my Non-Feminist Lover
Stop feeling threatened by my sisterhood
Dear my love,
Please don’t dilute my feminism because it ‘hurts’.
My feminism gives me strength, freedom, and solidarity. My feminism gives me a place to unleash my unearthing rage at the world we live in today, and the lack of progress we have made towards genuine gender equality. My sisters do not fight me, they console and share in my deep rage. Because they feel that rage too.
I love leaning into the protective warmth of female energy. The way that sisters look after each other. The warmth that comes from conversations of empathy and understanding. The sharing of similar experiences. I will always look out for, push up, propel forward and embrace my sisters, wholeheartedly. It is not to put down, or at the exclusion of the other sex. But out of recognition of the adversities that we mutually face, and the need to celebrate the successes of our sisterhood.
My feminism cannot be washed away by your gendered insecurities. My feminism will only remain emboldened. Determined to continue to break down the barriers that are placed in our way. Determined to shake and break and unearth those who put us down. I cannot shape my feminism into a palatable version. Because I do not want to dilute the power that my feminism contains. I do not want to wash it away so that you can feel the comfort of entrenched gendered norms.
That in itself is not an act of war against you, personally. It is an act of resistance against how ‘men’ collectively use and abuse power towards women. It is not to say that you are a perpetrator. But it is to say that you, as well as I, are a product of the gendered norms which we have grown up in. Which has shaped what it means to be a man, and a woman. As a by-product of the society, we are born into we cannot always easily wash away deeply entrenched beliefs. But we can seek to identify and uproot them.
You want to protect me from harm. You think that it is your responsibility to do so. Both an expectation of yourself and also of society. When a man protects a woman, he uses aggressive power. I hate that I need to rely on the strength of another man to feel safe when it is the threat of a man that puts me ‘at-risk’ in the first place. When I feel the pull of your strong warm arms to cradle me from danger, I hate that I need them. I refuse to believe the myth of the need for female protection. I refuse to believe that it is a norm to live and breathe in a world where we cannot feel equal safety and security. I refuse to give in to that reality.
I think I know deep down that you are not ready to leave the security of your masculinity. And I, am not ready to remain bound by the reality of my femininity. In saying all this, I do not seek to undermine the realities and hardships that you as a man face. They are real, they are relevant, they are important. But my feminism should not feel a threat to those injustices. The emboldening of female does not mean the disempowering of male.
I need your empathy. I need your equal rage. Not from a place of protectiveness over something you deem as yours, but rage at the abuse and misuse of power by other men. Whether it be physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual. I want you to be my equal advocate, my ally, not my protector. As I am not something that needs protection. You are more than happy to use your physical power to protect me. Why can you not use your voice to also advocate for me? Why can’t you see where it starts. How gendered perceptions of women and men in everyday life shape our attitudes towards the other sex. Attitudes of dominance vs. weakness, attitudes of protector vs. nurturer, attitudes of powerful vs. respectful. When you endorse such attitudes, you are endorsing gendered roles, which ultimately lead to gendered violence. Gendered violence is most commonly an act of power and control. An act of ownership, and an entrenched belief that they are taking what is rightfully theirs. That a women’s place is to serve a man’s needs. Fight that. Fight that when you see it in everyday life. Don’t fight me for resisting it.
Your beloved feminist,
Ella
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